I often wonder when...
I wonder when I will feel better
I wonder then how I will know I am feeling better
I wonder when my life's purpose will show itself to me
I wonder when, if ever, I will become someone's Mom
I wonder when my own Mom will believe that I am sick, well, my brain is, and I can't just "take a walk" to cure my mental illness(es)
I wonder when I will ever make a difference in someone else's life
I wonder how..
I wonder how my husband can see the light at the end of this tunnel I am in..how does he do that?
I wonder how I have let myself change this much.. once lively, outgoing, now.. not much
I wonder how I messed up so bad when I was a kid, that I turned out like this, and feeling like this..
I wonder how this God, in the bible that everyone seems to believe in, can be omnipotent, all seeing, all knowing, and let things happen .. how could he sit up there, and let all of these things go on? Oh, I forgot, he gave us free will, so I suppose he washed his hands of most of this long ago... if that bible is what you believe I guess...
I wonder how *I* can go on sometimes. I wonder if there is a point?
I wonder how other people see me, and what thoughts go through their heads about me
I wonder why,
I wonder why I hate going to therapy and talking, but when its cancelled for 3 weeks I freak out?
I wonder why I know that medicine helps a bit, but get scared to take it after a while, afraid I wont be "me" anymore....
I wonder why I have to react so emotionally to tiny things, and those around me seem to be able to keep it together under any circumstances
I wonder why I dont have a true sense of who I am yet, and I am 26???
I wonder why I care so much about what other people think of me?
A whole new thought here... cuz it weighs on me every day now it seems...
I wonder... if life can be complete.. without a baby, without a child for Jim and I
I wonder if it is selfish for me to even want a baby, when I have so many problems. I wonder if my wanting to have someone that we created, someone to love, someone to teach, someone to take care of, someone to guide.. I wonder if that is selfish? Why do people want children really? I guess I havent asked anyone that, so I dont know why other people chose to have children. For me, I guess it comes down to wanting to pass on parts of Jim, and parts of me, to someone else, someone who will be here long after we are gone.. someone to carry on... to carry on.. It doesn't have to be a baby from my body, I would love them just the same...we would be connnected at the soul.. and the soul is where the real connection is.. the soul is directly connected to the heart you know.. Jim and I are already connected that way... so .. I am left to wonder.. I have Jim, should that be enough? Am I selfish to want even more? and aside from being selfish, can a life be COMPLETE and FULFILLING witout children in it? I guess I dont really know who I can ask about that, most everyone I know has a child now ...
Ok, in case you couldn't tell by the mood of this post, I am feeling a bit sad, and yuck today.. but, tomorrow is another day, and I will try to make that one better...
Song in my head today is :
Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
A fool of everyone
A fool of everyone
"Look what you've done, by JET"
Angel Chasse (again)
7 comments:
Angel, we all have days like that. Maybe not everyone, but I know that I do.
Thanks for the e-card!
Angel~
Hi there! I followed your link over from Rosie's blog, thanks for leaving it.
I often feel very much like you do. Thankfully, not daily.
I'm 37 in 25 days. I've been obese my whole life and developed lymphedema in my legs in 2002. We've no health insurance for me, so i'm unable to get treatment. I've slowed down. Don't go out much - just to church, family and from time to time a craft show to set up a booth. I work from home and have a very-small-so-far home business. I had been caring for my brother's children from 2000-this past January so i used to get out of the house every day, but we had a falling out. I miss those kids tons, he won't let me see them.
Anyway, i just wanted you to know you're not alone!! :) Stop by my blog or website any time and drop me a line. I'm here!
www.scatteredgemini.blogspot.com
www.GaiasGardenOfSoy.com
~Suz~
Angel...I am going on out a limb here...
I like yourself and a lot of other people have felt some of the same feelings that you are dealing with now...
I have been depressed, I am over weight, there have been times when i had little or no direction... there are those times when i too longed for a child of my own...
for the first 6 years of my marriage i cried for a child...i had suffered one miscarriage and had no hope of ever carrying a child to term...finally i did have my first son...then the time came when i wanted another baby...so we tried and again i miscarried... finally we had a second child who is now 15 months old and has been very sick...(he was born with a congenital heart defect) anyway, i am not trying to discourage you or bring you down...i just know that even though i love my children more than i could have ever known that i could love anyone...they did not fill that void in my life that i was seeking to fill...i have come to realize that i had to find out what made me happy what i needed in my life for me...and it wasn't until i done some serious soul searching and 'fixing' me...that i was able to enjoy my life.. and the things such as my children...that i have been blessed with...
You make a difference in my life every time I need to talk to someone and you're the one I talk to. There are very few people in the world that I will talk to about almost anything, and you are by far the most frequent listener I have.
Becky
If you don't have bad days how can you enjoy the good ones?
Much Love
Hollie
hunterryansmom.blogspot.com
I hope you have a better tomorrow. In fact, I KNOW you will have a better tomorrow!
Blessings Angel!
Thanks to all who have posted.. my Tuesday was not great, but my Wednesday was a lot better! You were all right.. and all very kind to leave me your words here :) Thanks *hugs*
Angel Chasse
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