To Jim

Every once in a while, you hear a song, and it seems as if it was written about you and for you and even like you wrote it yourself... For me the most recent one is by

Rascal Flatts called.. Every Day

And I would dedicate every last word of this song to my husband, Jim
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You could've bowed out gracefully
But you didn't
You knew enough to know
To leave well enough alone
But you wouldn't

I drive myself crazy
Tryin' to stay out of my own way
The messes that I make

But my secrets are so safe
The only one who gets me
Yeah, you get me

It's amazing to me
How every day
Every day, every day
You save my life

I come around all broken down and
crowded out and you're comfort

Sometimes the place I go
Is so deep and dark and desperate
I don't know, I don't know


Sometimes I swear, I don't know if
I'm comin' or goin'
But you always say something
Without even knowin'

That I'm hangin' on to your words
With all of my might and it's alright
Yeah, I'm alright for one more night-

Every day, every day, every day
Every day, every day
You save me, you save me, oh, oh, oh
Every day
Every, every, every day-

Every day you save my life

What do you do?

What do you do?

Motherhood. Mom. Grandma

What if those things are never going to happen for you?

What if you want more than most anything to be a mother, but your body is just not going to let that happen for you? How do you deal with that?

I struggle. I see kids. I see babies. I see people with babies.. I see people who don't even want babies but have them. I know people who have had abortions... I just dont know what to do with these feelings. I am sure that somewhere, probably even near me... is a support group of some sort, or there are online communities.. I guess my point is how does one just accept this, how does one become ok with the fact that they will never have a child of their own, and that adoption, may never be available for them either.

Is there just an epiphany one day where you can all of the sudden see how great it is to not have to worry about a child, or care for one, or afford one? Cuz if that is the case, I have not yet had that epiphany. Or do you just stop wanting what you can't have one day? Do you see all the positives in your own life as it is now and just stop wanting to add a child to that life? I would really really like to know, because sometimes now it feels like I have been robbed...

It seems to me that being a woman might not entitle you to much in the world, but it seems that everywhere I look, women are having babies. Some planned, some not planned, some loved and cherished.. others not so much. It seems that this is an easy thing. Fall in love CHECK Get married CHECK have a baby (BIG NO CHECK HERE)

I know that to some it seems that I obsess over this one thing. To me it is a big thing. I am not getting any younger. I am not saying that I would even be close to a perfect mother.. no way jose.. but I would LOVE and CHERISH and CARE FOR a baby, and to me, it seems like enough. If you are willing to put that baby above all else and care for it and love it and support and nurture it.. I dont see that as a bad thing. I know that adoption agencies have to be choosy about who they place these precious babies... but does being mentally ill and not having a job right now really mean that I would be any less of a good mother to a child? I dont think so.. but there are some.. many I would guess that do feel that way...

I know this post is angry, and hurtful in the way that it is written, but sometimes I really just dont know what to do with some feelings, and I had to vent somewhere.. where better than the good old world wide web. URGHHHHHHH