Happy New Year!

Very happy new year to all of my friends and family. I hope that 2014 is the best year yet for all of you. Make lots of memories, take pictures, smile and laugh. My wish for each of you is inner peace and for the load that you bear to be easy on you... *hugs*



My 2014 Resolutions :

I want to leave all hatred for anyone behind.
I want to eat less processed foods, better things for my stomach
I want to serve Jim breakfast in bed, even like 4 times
I want to see all of my family via Skype once we move to Reno.
*hint hint family, ask me how to chat on Skype*
I want to make this blog about Jim and I (and hopefully Tristan's) adventures and good findings.
I am excited to learn how to navigate their bus system instead of driving.
I cant wait to get my new glasses. Ordered online by having my optometrist write down all of the specs that apply to me and then I typed them into this website and blammo 11.95 glasses and lenses shipped to me :) I like good deals.. I'll find the link again. Let me know if you or anyone you know orders from them and how they like the glasses. This was the most simple and straightforward site we could find.. I hope someone can use it; (free shipping is 7/10 business days so if you need them sooner you'd have to pay shipping...

http://www.zennioptical.com/women?Ns=sku.price_listPrices|0 that is a link to their site. If you need an extra pair or need a pair for kiddos its a great site.. Enjoy!

A song that I love

"The Storm"

She sits among the pieces
Of broken glass and photographs
Reluctantly releases the
Last of what was her past
It struck without a warning or
Did she just ignore the signs
In those dark clouds forming
Behind her silver lines?

The door
It slammed like thunder
And the tears
They fell like rain
And the warnings
From her family
Whirl like a hurricane
She's drowning in emotions
And she cannot
Reach the shore
She's alive but
Can she survive the storm?

A broken jewel box dancer
Lies in pieces down the hall
She's finding out the answers
Don't change nothing at all
It's time that
She stopped searching
For who's to blame or
What went wrong
The only thing
For certain is he's gone
She's got to move on

[Repeat chorus]

Someday days just roll on by
Without a grey cloud in the sky
She keeps telling herself
"I will make it on my own"
And her friends they've all
Gone back to their lives
Thinking she will be all right
As she races through
The night to make it home

[Repeat chorus]

I am going to start blogging again!

I am back in this blog world to share my thoughts and feelings and offer you places to get things for free.


we had a a lazy day today and fed the ducks. Now we are home about to eat and have a few drinks and watch a movie. What a great Saturday. We were supposed to chosen a good place to move next year after this lease is up though. Northern FL or South Carolina....or we are not quite sure yet....

The cat has been cleaning herself all day today. I am glad that we have a clean cat and she is not dirty but some days it seems that all that she gets done is washing herself with her face and paws.....

now Jim and I are off to eat some pizza from the oven and find a good movie to watch on our netflix. Have a great saturday everyone!


Fun Day at The State Park :)

I got to have a great day with my husband today.

We got to go out for breakfast then to the state park to grill out.
We were going to use a solar oven that he took lots of time and effort to build from scratch  but it would not cook higher than 150 degrees :( *sad faces all around on that*

We did get to play some yahtzee and throw the mini football around and have a good day together, just wish the solar oven would have worked better. Jim said he thinks that it needs to be bigger is the problem. Still a great day was had by us both and now we have both come home to blog :)

I am not sure what we are going to do this weekend but I hear that the weather is going to be great, so I hope that we get out and take advantage of it again. Its been a long time since I kept up on my blog and I am promising myself that I will keep up on it now. I love having a blog :)

Well I had a great Friday, I'll check back in with you guys to let you know how our weekend goes :)


What is wrong with me.

In the first week of June I got a stomach bug. Went to the Dr and he prescribed antibiotics. Started vomiting so much that I could not keep much down at all. I went back to the Dr about a week or so later. I was getting dehydrated and lost 5 lbs. Continue the antibiotics the Dr says, and see me in another week if you are not feeling better. Another week goes by, I still try to eat but keep next to nothing down, and am now sipping blue Gatorade all day and night long. My stomach hurt and I was sick a lot.

I went into the hospital before fourth of July. (I remember because I was in for 2 weeks and the first week included 4th of July). They did test after test after test of my tummy and digestive tract and had me drink this and sip this and took pictures of this and that and everything. I could not keep any food down, and was throwing up or trying to almost constantly now. They finally let me go home with an n/g tube going down my nose into my tummy to give me food. That is a scary thing to have and is not pleasant at all. They were still not sure what was wrong, but for whatever reason I could not keep food down at all.. barely water.

During the last part of my hospital stay in July, they mentioned the word "gastroparesis." they told me that it was a "weak stomach" and that it means that the muscles that usually contract to digest the food I eat were not working well, if at all. I asked them how to get rid of that condition and they said there are some drugs to try and I went on some of them. My condition did not get better but I was stable so I was able to go home with my tube feedings.

In sept of 2010 I was in the hospital again because I was throwing up blood. It turned out to be just from throwing up a lot in general, so no biggie but they kept me for more testing on why I still could not eat. Gastroparesis was usually found in diabetic people or people with damage to their vagus nerve, which I did not have. More tests and more medications and 2 weeks again in the hospital and they inserted a g/j tube for feeding. It goes directly through my stomach wall and into my jeujenum and stomach. (Think tube sticking out of a man made belly button, so now I kind of have two..ha)

I went home with the new tube and feeding pump and supplies. I was on the third or fourth trial medication for the condition and it was not working. In fact today it does not work either. I have ran out of options for medications, so now I am waiting on my 3rd specialist in Minneapolis to see if my insurance company will approve a gastric stimulator, or pacemaker to try to make the stomach muscles remember to work again. There are meds that I take to try to keep me from getting nauseous and to keep food down, but they are not working. I try to eat something every day, because like they said, the condition came on without warning and may heal without any warning as well, so if I try to eat every day then I will know when/if I am able to tolerate food again.

This process has been long, frustrating, mind numbing, scary, gross and all around bad. I hope that soon I can get the pacemaker put in, and that it is the answer we have been looking for since last June. Eating is such a big part of so many human interactions, and to not be able to do it is very tough. Not to mention the physical side effects that will come with vomiting so much and only taking in liquids and multivitamins.

I have lost about 75 lbs through this process and I have chosen to see that as the one good thing that has come of all of this. I can now wear regular pants off the rack and xl shirts and etc. I have been shopping in the plus sizes for so long that it feels good to just pick something up off of the normal rack.

Ok, this got long and rambling, but I wanted to update on my health status and hope to get back to "regular" blogging soon.



Finally! Moved back to Sioux Falls!


We just moved back to Sioux Falls. Jim and I both love it here!

I have a few problems to handle though. I need to start being ok with the fact that our apartment, while large in size,and great,is OLD, and has things wrong with it that many OLD places have wrong with them. It seems we have any odd smells under control though...(I think the fridge was left shut and unplugged maybe?),so that is nice in and of itself. Floors creaking loudly, stained carpet, non-frost free fridge that gets a smell in it, those things I can not help. Perma-Dirt on the sliding glass doors I can't help (I have tried cleaning them :)

I need to get to a place where I can just have people come and visit and say "This is our place, we hope you will be comfortable spending time here with us" Right now I am in the "oh my goodness, is it going to smell funny in here if someone comes over, and will they notice this little thing or that little thing, and is this good enough and is that good enough. Do I have their favorite soda/beverage and snacks on hand? All of those types of things.

I know that life is not about possessions, and I don't have a whole heck of a lot of them, so I really don't normally think of myself as a materialistic person. For some reason though, this apt has me on edge. I know that in truth, if one of our friends IS coming to visit, its to talk with/eat with/visit with us, and that they probably don't give one hoot about the apt or if it is old or new, clean or dirty, organized or a mess. So why is it that I can type this out, I can say it to myself in my mind, but I can't shake the feeling.. urgh.

I love Sioux Falls and all that there is to do here! We can see the baseball team's fireworks on Friday nights when they shoot them off from our deck. We have a deck that runs the entire length of our apartment, so I can not wait to have people visit and congregate by the grill. :) We are near a thrift store, a grocery store and go-kart place, with mini-golf and well pretty much anything is about a mile away via the interstate exits :)

I want to be 10000% happy about this move and this apartment, and I want to be the person that is always inviting people to come, visit, eat, drink, share time with us. I want to do all of that without the feeling like I am going to physically be sick over it. Without looking over the house to make sure that everything is as perfect as it can be, and without having to go over a list in my head of good talking points, things to say if the conversation is lacking. I don't think that most people do these things. It seems to me that most people just say "come on over" and let whatever happens happen.. I want to be *THAT* person.

I hope that soon, very soon, I am able to invite people over (I have already invited some people, they just haven't made it over for the big bbq or anything yet...) and have a great time visiting with them, and spending time focused on them, and making memories instead of worrying all the time about stupid things that I don't even want in my mind...

The same goes I guess for me, with any social gathering of any type, even when it is not at my place. I want to be carefree, and fun and be able to just soak in friends and family and not think about "well, I should be helping with this, or should I see if they need help with... " or etc etc I am sure you get where I am headed with this by now.

I do see a counselor regularly, and at times I feel like I have made progress, but at times like this, I have a hard time understanding who I am, and why I allow myself to be this way, and have a hard time seeing these things ever improving. I am not giving up by any means, I am just tired. Tired. Tired of being anxious over everything and nothing all at the same time. Tired of making lists in my head so that I don't forget things... Tired of feeling like I want to pick up the phone and call a friend (now that I live right in town) and then not doing it because I assume they are too busy or that I will get too nervous to go, or too nervous to have fun and be fun to be around...

I honestly DO NOT know how any friends I have had for years and years put up with me, and I don't know how/why they keep sticking around. Its like my phobia is heights, and to go out for a visit with a friend requires me to climb up a free hanging rope to the 20th floor with no net.... urgh.

I will keep working on things though, and even hope to have a friend over or go out and do something with her and her family this week.... I hope it works out well :)


Teeth..or tooth

Finally I come back to my blog. Mostly because I am annoyed. Not a great reason to blog, I know this, but...

So on January 30th I had an appt to get my (#14) molar pulled. It broke/cracked, and the filling fell out. Without dental insurance, the cheapest easiest route was to have it pulled...

I researched/googled, and my brother's girlfriend reccomended a "cheaper than most" dentist.. so I get nervous, go see him, expecting to have my tooth out. Good thing I already take anxiety meds, so I can take one before I go.

He can't pull it out. He says it will break, and he is not set up for that in his office. He puts me on an antibiotic and refers me to an oral surgeon. How thankful I will be for this, I do not yet know.

They refer me to a couple of local oral surgery places. I call around and find out about prices. Fixing teeth is not the least expensive thing to do, is what I figured out. We decided on a place, and made the appt for Feb 25. The broken tooth was now starting to be pretty painful when I ate.. so I was eating mostly softer things, on the other side of my mouth.. waiting for this appt so that the pain would be done...

I went into the dentist chair on the 25th of Feb.. he tells me that he could do a root canal to save the tooth. I decline (its very expensive and not always effective). He asks me if I want to be IV sedated for my procedure. I say no, just hte local. He makes me sign a paper that says that pulling upper molars can sometimes cause a "communication" between your sinus and your....nose? Well, ok, if they have a paper typed up about it to sign I figure it is not a big deal... I sign...

He puts all the novacaine shots in and I tap on my teeth because it feels weird and I want to tell Jimbo about it... the Dr comes back in after a few mins and checks if I can feel anything. I can't. He says we are ready to go and gets out ... pliers? Well a surgical instrument that looked like pliers to me. He says I will feel pulling and pressure but no pain. He is right.. a LOT LOT LOT of pulling and a LOT of pressure. But I did not actually feel pain. Just fear and hopes that it would be over soon... there might have been tears, I am pretty sure there were tears.. P O P.
The tooth broke the dr says (but to me it felt/sounded like an explosion. Well then he is taking out small parts of bone, and drilling.. not pleasant, but I am happy it is finally done.

He told me then that there was a small hole in my sinus so I would need to follow "sinus precautions" ... take an antihistamine every day 3xs a day and no blowing the nose for 2 weeks and no straws, no anything like sneezing that would possibly make pressure, and keep the sinus hole open. Ok, I get home in pain, and take the pain medicine. By the 4th or so day I was almost out of pain medicine, and Jim called the on call Dr. They said it should not still be hurting too much, and to come in for my check up appt early. So we make the appt and go in.

The Dr sees a (I am not certain, but pretty sure) 5mm hole. Shows it to Jimbo on the little dentist mirror. He says that it should have healed up by now, and that I will have to come back in 2 days for the "buckle flap closure." More pain medicine and more antibiotics.. and we go back 2 days later...

This time I opted for the conscious sedation.. iv drug (versed I think) and nitrous oxide to make me not remember. After they take a really cool xray of my teeth/sinus, he starts the surgery, and thankfully this time I dont remember ANYTHING about it. I went and sat in some recliner while they went to get Jim, and after a little excess bleeding, was out of there after 30 mins...

Now I am home, on pain killers, antihistamine, no sneezing, no nose blowing, no straws etc.. after the first full week it didn't hurt so much, so I was not on soft foods anymore (yay).. so after that 2 weeks of minor sometimes pain.

Then I wake up Tuesday night with bad "sinus" pain on that side. I take some medicine and wait it out and call on wed afternoon to move up my next appt, due to the pain. So we go in today, and he takes a new xray and says that things look closed, and healing well. He is not sure what is causing the pain, but thinks it is probably a sinus infection starting and gives me my (fourth) round of antibiotics. I see him again next week. If everything is fine, then the misadventure is over, if not, then he will refer me to an Ear Nose and Throat Dr, to look at my sinus.

I guess I laid out this whole ordeal becuase of a few things. 1. I didn't know until the age of 30 that I have a healthy about of fear of the dentist. That fear is pretty HUGE now. 2. I believed everyone who told me that you "go in, get the tooth out, feel better, easy peasy" 3. I have not felt this sick or not human, or dependent since I was a small child. Without Jim's help, support and taking care of me, I would have been sad and scared for weeks. 4. The oral surgeon is a great guy, and very reassuring and smart, yet he scares the CRAP out of me. 5. I am vain. I had a back molar taken out, I don't think anyone would know it if I didn't tell them... but to me it feels like a huge crevice, embarrassing and gross. I never knew I was this way... The things the dentist can teach you about yourself.....

If you have read this post, you deserve cookies and ice cold milk :)