Hurricane Katrina

I'm sad

That is about all I can say about this.





Angel Chasse (again)

The Website ... Part II

So, I spent like 6 hours yesterday making a new page for the site, and updating lots of pictures from the old site... and then I did something (not sure what) and 2 of my pages were missing all their pictures and were basically screwed up.. so I was mad, sad, upset, and I didn't want to work on the site anymore.. -- but a new day, and a new challenge I guess. I didn't sleep much last night, so I might just be tired, and willing to start over cuz of that.. but is probably cuz Jim encouraged me :) :) - Yep, pretty sure that was it
So, some of the pages are updated again now, and I hope they don't wreck themselves any time soon.... so on the webpage saga goes.. but really, I think I am in over my head on this. .I can do simple simple stuff, but when it gets at all complicated, I get confused and mess it all up... anyway... so its just a website in the long run :)

http://www.jimandangel.com

Enjoy :)

Angel Chasse (again)

Jim and Angel's Website

Our site is up!! Yay.. Thanks to Jim, our site is up. I have updated some of the pages, but some still need some updates .. soon there will be a page that shows pictures of our new apartment (well new in may I guess) - I am excited. Jim showed me some of how to edit pages, so I have done a fair amount of that today, with more all week long :)
The site is at:

http://jimandangel.com

Stop by anytime.. and sign the guestbook if you'd like :)

Angel Chasse (again)

What to write about, what to write about?

I need to keep this thing as a more "daily" part of my life.. I promised myself I would.
Today, just listening to some music, and catching up on everyone's blog.
Jim starts back to college on Wednesday. Woo hoo for him :)
I've been thinking of what "larger cities" I would like to move to once he has his degree.
He hates winter here in the midwest, and hates the humidity of the summer..
Soooo.. somewhere south possibly? Both coasts are too expensive, especially when
you consider we are used to Iowa/South Dakota prices for everything.
So, maybe Arizona.. a couple of online friends rave about Tucson.. we'll see..
it's 4 years from now.
I am going to look up now (I think) to see if there are any ways to do something before
you go to bed, to keep the nightmares to a minimum (is that how you spell that?)
I've had more than my fair share of nightmares these last couple of weeks, but I
am not sure why? - Ok, so here is some portion of a song by Garth Brooks

It's called Face to Face :

Your date showed up with flowers
And you thought your dreams had come
But with every passing hour
You felt it come undone
Then the night exploded and you begged him no
But he forever changed your life
And now he waits a judge and jury
Thinkin' you'll break down inside
And with a finger you can put his fists away
And you're face to face
Face to face with the devil that you've been dreadin'
Eye to eye finally has arrived
But bad as it was, well little sister wasn't it better
Dealin' with him face to face
'Cause it'll never go away
Until the fear that you are runnin' from is finally embraced
Drivin' by the grave yard
On a wicked winter's eve
And you're wonderin' why a man of faith
Is whistlin' nervously
Then you stop the car
And you hold your heart
'Cause you finally realize
Hell, the devil ain't in the darkness
He's 'rattlin' 'round inside
And with folded hands you truly start to pray
And you're face to face
Face to face with the devil that you've been dreadin'
Eye to eye finally has arrived
But bad as it was, well now brother wasn't it better
Dealin' with him face to face
'Cause it'll never go away
Until the fear that you are runnin' from is finally embraced
Face to face



Then you stop the car
And you hold your heart
'Cause you finally realize
Hell, the devil ain't in the darkness
He's 'rattlin' 'round inside

I have that devil, I think he resides in my heart. He would probably be the reason I hear strange and mean voices in my head telling me I should just kill myself, and that I will never be loved and I will never deserve anything. Anything good that is. I suppose for me, I need to get rid of that devil, and then I can move on. I was thinking the other day. It was the weirdest thing. I realized that I can't feel someone's love. I know that my husband loves me, and he says it enough. I even believe that he is not lying about loving me. I guess my thought of "how could he love ME" takes over, and it makes it hard, if not impossible for me to take it on faith, and look at all the evidence that he loves me, and let that in, feel it. Weird.. I know.. weird for me even to think about. It's the same way with everyone. I know how *I* feel towards them, there is no doubt for me that others deserve and have my love. I just don't really get that some people actually, really, truly, deeply, for real, forever love *ME* - weird. I suppose that would make a good topic with a therapist. I just always feel like at any moment people could all just walk away from me thinking I am too much work, and too dramatic, and I half expect them to actually walk away. - I really need to work on that, cuz it messes with me a lot. *Special note if your name is Jim and you are reading this * - I love you, I *know* that you love me more than anyone has ever loved me.. ever.. - the part I need to work on is feeling like I could ever be deserving of your love, and that you aren't just going to come home one day and tell me to get lost. If that makes sense? -- anyway, back to my music, no more deep thinking today...

Anyone want cookies? I am drinking water, and eating cookies.. I am pretty sure that is not going to cancel out :)

Angel Chasse (again)

What do I believe Part II

Does anyone have any advice?
I don't know what I believe in...
I know I love my husband
I know I love my family
I know I love children
I know...
I know, or I am pretty sure.. that I am not the kind of person who can take things on faith...
I'm not even talking about religion yet.
I mean, like when people don't tell me they love me for a long time, I start to figure they don't..
And, when someone stops returning my calls, I assume they have nothing to say to me..

I have never been a person that could just really believe stuff, without it making sense to me.

I think this might be why religion is so confusing/complex/unfavorable for me to think about..


Examples, I have a ton of them. When something goes wrong, I assume it is something I did. When my sister doesn't call me back, I freak out, and assume that she doesn't want to talk to me specifically. I don't just figure (like most people, I would assume) that she is busy, has a new baby to take care of and lots of stuff to do .. I assume that she is not calling ME back, because she doesn't have anything that she wants to say to ME ...
When my husband has had a bad day, and is in a bad mood, I usually assume that there is something I could be doing for him to make him feel better, and if I can't do that, then I am not a good wife, and we are not right for each other anymore, and he probably is falling out of love with me......
When my little brother doesn't call, or stop by, I figure he doesn't have time for me either..

I don't know. I could go on and on about how I feel like I am always saying the wrong thing and doing the wrong thing (and sometimes I am, cuz I have a temper) -- but I just can't let things be. I can't just let someone be too busy to talk to anyone, let alone me, and I can't seem to stop taking it to heart when these kinds of things happen to me. I am missing that blind faith that others seem to have .... the kind that tells them that their sisters and brothers and family and husbands and moms and dads love them 110% of the time.. and that they would always love hearing from them.. and that no matter what, their husband can have a bad day, and even if you can't make it better, you are not failing as a wife.. I don't know about me sometimes. Sometimes it seems very self-centered to me that I would think that anyone takes enough time out of their busy day to even notice if they haven't called, or returned calls, or said hi, or stopped by.. I just don't know. I DO know that it feels crappy to feel this way, and it ruins your life to be this way... Talk therapy.. yup, should do it.. and should get back on some meds.. yup.. and should check out the dr's office that says they go on a sliding scale here, yup.. Maybe this coming week I will do all of this....
Other things that suck about being me:
Feeling like I am less of a person than basically any other person I have ever met.
Feeling like I am going to die having not done any one significant thing to help society
Wanting a baby so bad that it hurts sometimes..
Wanting/Needing/Loving my husband, but constantly feeling as if I should just do the right thing and let him get on with the life that he was supposed to lead, before he met me
Being scared of the dark
Hating to go anywhere around other people
Being so needy
Being so sad
Negativity, negativity, negativity
Laziness, and lack of motivation
Wanting to just act like I am "normal" nothing wrong, no need for meds or help ever..
Going off meds, thinking I will be fine without them
Hearing voices.. if most people know how often I hear voices (all the time) - they would not come near me I think
Feeling like suicide is a viable option sometimes.. and having tried it many times
Feeling like I have let my parents, my family, my friends, and most of all my husband down by not just being "fake happy" like I was when I met my husband. Sometimes I feel like if he had known I would be the way I am today, there is no way we would have gotten close, much less gotten married...

I know.. I know... distorted thinking.. I have been told.. I have been retold.. I have been told again... but most days it feels so REAL.. so REALITY.. so ALL THERE IS FOR ME TO THINK..
Today wasn't an especially rough day for me, but I sure could use some time off from all of the things swirling in my head.. vacation .. now.. vacation.... now... anyway.. if you have read this.. anyone.. you deserve a gold star :)

Angel Chasse (again)

News...

Not a lot going on here. Just spending time with the husband, and the family, and the friends :)
Jim goes back to school on the 24th and he is beyond excited about it. I am excited too, for him.
My jaw hurts. Seems like a muscle used for chewing is hurting, and I am not sure why, I do wish it would go away, and quickly.. 3 days is long enough for that!!! - Today is my Aunt Pennie's birthday, then Tuesday is my friend Shannon's, and then Wednesday is my cousin Brady's - lots of birthdays this month I guess. Still trying to keep up on my water drinking, so I have resorted to putting a bit (like quarter of a cup or less) of strong coffee in my water bottle during the morning, so I feel like I am getting coffee, but am still drinking my water. I always thought that when you started drinking a lot of water (for me I am trying for 3 liters a day, as I am a big person) - well anyway, I thought that once you have been drinking that much water for like a week or a little more, that you would pee less.. I mean like.. I have to pee allll the time now.. I guess that is good, flushing the old system out.. I don't know though. I have never gone to the bathroom this much in my life ;) -- I do have Dr Thunder in the fridge, but now I use that for a treat instead of drinking only that all day. I think in my own mind, I am doing well at the water thing :) lol --- we will see if it lasts... Im 27 years old, inactive, crazy, and extremely obese --- drinking water can't HURT lol --- ok... now back to my sore jaw muscle.. I haven't done anything to injure it or tire it out extremely, so I figure I have been having bad dreams a LOT and maybe when that happens a I grit my teeth and bite down a lot - that is the only thing I can figure that it could be... so anyway, I hope it feels better soon, cuz it hurts to chew.. and hey, that can be another weight loss tool.. .JUST KIDDIN! --
I read/heard about the plane crash in Greece. 121 people killed. *sad* -- I tell ya, the news, whenever I remember to turn it on.. its not good.. - I was also wondering, random thing... I watched the world news tonight show last Friday... are they going to keep calling it World News Tonight With Peter Jennings, or are they just leaving it that way for a time, to honor him? I don't know. I guess I should look it up. I am very happy as we have had some really cool weather lately.. I hate hate hate hate the heat :) I am a fall/winter girl all the way!!!!!! Come on FALL!!!!!!
Ok, I had better go for now, I am going to try to be better at posting more often, but I really don't have anything but complaining to do a lot of the days, so I try to stay away from this totally becoming "Angel's bitchiness blog" --- ask Jim, he knows about it.. he lives in "Angel's Bitchiness World" -- not fun...

Angel Chasse (again)

My birthday 2005

Well,
I am 27 now (and my license is expired, I need to go get a new one tomorrow)

Went swimming, grilled out some food, spent time with Jim (the husband) - and Becky (the friend) -- Drank a few too many strawberry daquiris.. but miraculously for me, only had a mild headache/tummyache combo to wake up to the next morning. WOO HOO!
Now see, I am not a drinker.. I used to do more than my fair share, but it just doesn't agree with me, and I finally said I was gonna quit trying to drink, and not puke :) lol -- gotta love me.. soooo... I hardly ever drink now, and when I do, its one or two.. I am a lightweight I think my brother calls it .... but ahh well.. drinking isn't what life is all about :)

Got an email from Rosie, cuz I signed up to be a part of her mailing list. That was very cool. She is going to be back on broadway as Golde, in fiddler on the roof. She is happy, and I am happy for her... lol .. .not much broadway going on in Iowa.. but oh well.. I'll never be cultured in that I am sure... I also learned today on Rosie's blog that Peter Jennings passed away. That is sad. I looked up lung cancer when he announced it 4 months ago, and all the news articles were bad, saying survival rate was like 15% or something.. so I kind of figured ... but wow.. an American Icon, passed on.. only 67 years old. Tragic...

Got my "dogtag" necklace in the mail today from www.americasupportsyou.mil I will wear it. I have always been saying... You can support the troops without supporting the liar that put them there. Cuz they are there, and they are doing what was asked of them, and I couldn't be any more proud of each and every man and woman over there.

Saw my grandma and aunt and cousin and my brother and his gf last night. Not much new on that front, except that my brother forgot it was my birthday last Thursday. I guess I would rather have 100000 people forget that it was my birthday, than to ever forget the birthday of someone close to me. My friend Shannon's is coming up pretty soon, so I'll have to make sure to send her a note :)

Ok, so I wanted to say hi to all the blogsters that I read:

Rosie :) HI!
Jimmie :) HI!
Becky:) HI!
Lu :) HI!
Cindy :) HI!
Hollie :) HI!
Marty :) HI!
Toni :) HI!
Ashley :) HI!
Dr Deborah Serani :) HI!

I enjoy getting a peek into your lives through your blogs :) I hope that you all continue blogging, and that you feel like you get something out of it :) Take care all!!!!

Angel Chasse (again)

27 Candles on the cake for me...

So,
Tomorrow is my birthday - the 27th one in the series.
What am I going to do to celebrate? I don't know.

I don't really feel much like celebrating.

Jim isn't feeling well. Been to the Dr twice this week.

It really sucks seeing someone you love this much suffer.
And knowing there isn't really anything you can do.
And not knowing what is wrong, and why he feels crappy.
And wanting them to feel better NOW - and not wanting them to have to take pills to get rid of the pain and ickiness... URGH

Of course, I just want the world to be perfect :) and I want people not to have to struggle to make ends meet, and I don't want people to be sick.. or tired.. or sick and tired..
I realize trully that I can't live in a perfect world, but man, some days, it seems like mine has gone to crap!

But a few good things:
I get to spend a lot of time with Jim soon, cuz he will be back to college and be at home working on homework, and guess where I will be? You guessed it, home :)
I get to see my mom whenever I want, now that we live here in Sioux City
Becky is here, and she always has the time and the ear to listen to all my bs, and crap, and whining, and usually has a different way to look at things for me to try.. that's cooool
Leo (our cat) is awesome! He is loving, but not over-bearing, and can take care of himself, but doesn't mind being alone :)
My brother and all of the rest of my family are great. It is not that I don't KNOW that I have a lot of good things going on. It just seems like sometimes, Jim and I get screwed.. I mean, combo of our bad choices, and bad karma, or whatever you want to say it is.. but sometimes it's like the road keeps getting bumpier, and then they tear out the road, you think they are going to put it back in, and you find out that it is even worse than the first road was.. urgh
Another good thing is that I love reading other people's blogs, and I think that this one might be good for me too.. It just seems that lately everything is so negative... but.. this too shall pass..

Angel Chasse (again)