6/07/2009

Finally! Moved back to Sioux Falls!


Finally!

We just moved back to Sioux Falls. Jim and I both love it here!

I have a few problems to handle though. I need to start being ok with the fact that our apartment, while large in size,and great,is OLD, and has things wrong with it that many OLD places have wrong with them. It seems we have any odd smells under control though...(I think the fridge was left shut and unplugged maybe?),so that is nice in and of itself. Floors creaking loudly, stained carpet, non-frost free fridge that gets a smell in it, those things I can not help. Perma-Dirt on the sliding glass doors I can't help (I have tried cleaning them :)

I need to get to a place where I can just have people come and visit and say "This is our place, we hope you will be comfortable spending time here with us" Right now I am in the "oh my goodness, is it going to smell funny in here if someone comes over, and will they notice this little thing or that little thing, and is this good enough and is that good enough. Do I have their favorite soda/beverage and snacks on hand? All of those types of things.

I know that life is not about possessions, and I don't have a whole heck of a lot of them, so I really don't normally think of myself as a materialistic person. For some reason though, this apt has me on edge. I know that in truth, if one of our friends IS coming to visit, its to talk with/eat with/visit with us, and that they probably don't give one hoot about the apt or if it is old or new, clean or dirty, organized or a mess. So why is it that I can type this out, I can say it to myself in my mind, but I can't shake the feeling.. urgh.

I love Sioux Falls and all that there is to do here! We can see the baseball team's fireworks on Friday nights when they shoot them off from our deck. We have a deck that runs the entire length of our apartment, so I can not wait to have people visit and congregate by the grill. :) We are near a thrift store, a grocery store and go-kart place, with mini-golf and well pretty much anything is about a mile away via the interstate exits :)

I want to be 10000% happy about this move and this apartment, and I want to be the person that is always inviting people to come, visit, eat, drink, share time with us. I want to do all of that without the feeling like I am going to physically be sick over it. Without looking over the house to make sure that everything is as perfect as it can be, and without having to go over a list in my head of good talking points, things to say if the conversation is lacking. I don't think that most people do these things. It seems to me that most people just say "come on over" and let whatever happens happen.. I want to be *THAT* person.

I hope that soon, very soon, I am able to invite people over (I have already invited some people, they just haven't made it over for the big bbq or anything yet...) and have a great time visiting with them, and spending time focused on them, and making memories instead of worrying all the time about stupid things that I don't even want in my mind...

The same goes I guess for me, with any social gathering of any type, even when it is not at my place. I want to be carefree, and fun and be able to just soak in friends and family and not think about "well, I should be helping with this, or should I see if they need help with... " or etc etc I am sure you get where I am headed with this by now.

I do see a counselor regularly, and at times I feel like I have made progress, but at times like this, I have a hard time understanding who I am, and why I allow myself to be this way, and have a hard time seeing these things ever improving. I am not giving up by any means, I am just tired. Tired. Tired of being anxious over everything and nothing all at the same time. Tired of making lists in my head so that I don't forget things... Tired of feeling like I want to pick up the phone and call a friend (now that I live right in town) and then not doing it because I assume they are too busy or that I will get too nervous to go, or too nervous to have fun and be fun to be around...

I honestly DO NOT know how any friends I have had for years and years put up with me, and I don't know how/why they keep sticking around. Its like my phobia is heights, and to go out for a visit with a friend requires me to climb up a free hanging rope to the 20th floor with no net.... urgh.

I will keep working on things though, and even hope to have a friend over or go out and do something with her and her family this week.... I hope it works out well :)