To Sarah...

10/22/05 Saturday

The people that I used to see all the time when I was in the hospital a time ago, always said that if something is really bothering you, and you can't put it out of your mind, and you don't think that you can say anything to those people, that you should write them a letter, and tell them what you wish you could say to them.. Hopefully, they are right, and I will feel better after writing this... here goes...

To Sarah,
I know that you and I were not born sisters, and I understand that our lives and the things we do in our lives are very different. I know that you have the choice to hang out with me, and to have me as part of your life, and you have the choice not to. I realize I am not the most stable person in the world, and I can imagine that some of the things that you know about me make you not want to be near me.

I also understand that when I needed my friends and family, back in 2000, and I told you and the rest of the people in my life how I felt like I had never measured up to their expectations, and I never really felt that anyone spent time with me because they wanted to, only because they felt obligated to, you told me that you didn't see it that way, and you wouldn't ever do that. We became (I thought) a lot closer, and had many long talks, and many coffees, and many bitch sessions with one another. Like sisters did, I thought. You came to my aid, and even took me to visit our parents when you knew it would help me feel happy. You never asked me for money to go, and never let me feel guilty that you took care of me on those trips, my self, and my soul. We talked and talked, and got closer and closer (I thought). I tried my best to listen to you, and give you any advice I had to give, good or bad I don't know. I really started to feel like you wanted me around, and to be a part of your life. It felt good. Really good. Jim always commented on how I was so talkative and in good spirits when I got home after a trip that we had taken. I really loved spending that time, just you and I.

When you told the family that you were pregnant, at Thanksgiving last year, I was SO happy for you, so happy for Larry and You. I was ecstatic. I knew you were scared, but I knew that you would give this baby 110% of your love. There would be tough times, but you would do great, and when you had questions, I assumed that your mom would be there with bells on, ready to help you take on this new role as an expert. I was scared for you too, because I knew that you were scared, and that couldn't feel good. But in the end, I knew that you were capable, and you would get things done. We even joked one time that your only job, was to "make sure you don't kill the kid" - Joking of course..

I was so excited to be going with Mom and Steve to Sioux Falls when you were in labor. I never thought I would actually be in the room with you all that time, and get to witness the birth of Peyton. It was life changing for me. You dealt with the pain, and the sickness, and all the people and the pressure so well. My hero at that moment :)

I knew that you would be overwhelmed, and overworked, and sleep deprived when Peyton was born. I knew that I would not be a priority with you, and I never expected to be one. I knew that your attentions needed to be on yourself, and Larry and Peyton. You are a family, and you need to take care of them #1. I didn't expect though, that Jim and I moving here to Sioux City in May would have such an impact on you. I knew that you said you wanted me to babysit, but really, I didn't figure that you would have us babysit that often. You have your mom, and some of Larry's family that you trusted, and I figured that you would only use us as a "last resort" babysitter. I didn't figure that our little apartment there would be a place you would want Peyton to sepnd that much time at. I guess I am starting to think that I was wrong on those things. I want to believe that you are just too busy to return my calls. I want to believe that you want to talk to me, but you just don't have the time. I want to believe that when I called you and let you know we were in town, and would love to have seen you, that you were out of town, or didnt get my messages, or something. I really want to believe these things because it really hurts to think that right now you are upset at me for moving, and not being there for you and peyton, and that your punishment for those things that I have done is to just completely stop talking to me, unless I am with Mom or Steve, or I suppose at holidays when you happen to be at their house. I want to think that you love me like a sister, and that you understand that our moving here was for the good of our family, Me and Jim, and it was something that we needed to do. I want to believe that you know that I wouldn't choose to abandon on a whim, and that I would help you any way that I could, even from 85 miles away. I want to think that you will start calling just to talk once you have more time. I want to think that you are not upset and punishing me for not being there for you.. I guess time will tell how this story plays out..
Either:

A> I am paranoid, and things with us were always fine.. no big deal, just me freaking
B> You are mad, and you will continue to be, for who knows how long, and I will miss this time with you, and this time of Peyton growing up, except of course when you are here to visit your dad, and want to keep peace, so you will be nice to me

Either way, I guess I just wanted you to know that I love you, and that I miss you, and that if I have upset you, it was not intentional. I love Peyton too, and I really hope to be a part of her life and of yours.

Love,
Angel