I need to keep this thing as a more "daily" part of my life.. I promised myself I would.
Today, just listening to some music, and catching up on everyone's blog.
Jim starts back to college on Wednesday. Woo hoo for him :)
I've been thinking of what "larger cities" I would like to move to once he has his degree.
He hates winter here in the midwest, and hates the humidity of the summer..
Soooo.. somewhere south possibly? Both coasts are too expensive, especially when
you consider we are used to Iowa/South Dakota prices for everything.
So, maybe Arizona.. a couple of online friends rave about Tucson.. we'll see..
it's 4 years from now.
I am going to look up now (I think) to see if there are any ways to do something before
you go to bed, to keep the nightmares to a minimum (is that how you spell that?)
I've had more than my fair share of nightmares these last couple of weeks, but I
am not sure why? - Ok, so here is some portion of a song by Garth Brooks
It's called Face to Face :
Your date showed up with flowers
And you thought your dreams had come
But with every passing hour
You felt it come undone
Then the night exploded and you begged him no
But he forever changed your life
And now he waits a judge and jury
Thinkin' you'll break down inside
And with a finger you can put his fists away
And you're face to face
Face to face with the devil that you've been dreadin'
Eye to eye finally has arrived
But bad as it was, well little sister wasn't it better
Dealin' with him face to face
'Cause it'll never go away
Until the fear that you are runnin' from is finally embraced
Drivin' by the grave yard
On a wicked winter's eve
And you're wonderin' why a man of faith
Is whistlin' nervously
Then you stop the car
And you hold your heart
'Cause you finally realize
Hell, the devil ain't in the darkness
He's 'rattlin' 'round inside
And with folded hands you truly start to pray
And you're face to face
Face to face with the devil that you've been dreadin'
Eye to eye finally has arrived
But bad as it was, well now brother wasn't it better
Dealin' with him face to face
'Cause it'll never go away
Until the fear that you are runnin' from is finally embraced
Face to face
Then you stop the car
And you hold your heart
'Cause you finally realize
Hell, the devil ain't in the darkness
He's 'rattlin' 'round inside
I have that devil, I think he resides in my heart. He would probably be the reason I hear strange and mean voices in my head telling me I should just kill myself, and that I will never be loved and I will never deserve anything. Anything good that is. I suppose for me, I need to get rid of that devil, and then I can move on. I was thinking the other day. It was the weirdest thing. I realized that I can't feel someone's love. I know that my husband loves me, and he says it enough. I even believe that he is not lying about loving me. I guess my thought of "how could he love ME" takes over, and it makes it hard, if not impossible for me to take it on faith, and look at all the evidence that he loves me, and let that in, feel it. Weird.. I know.. weird for me even to think about. It's the same way with everyone. I know how *I* feel towards them, there is no doubt for me that others deserve and have my love. I just don't really get that some people actually, really, truly, deeply, for real, forever love *ME* - weird. I suppose that would make a good topic with a therapist. I just always feel like at any moment people could all just walk away from me thinking I am too much work, and too dramatic, and I half expect them to actually walk away. - I really need to work on that, cuz it messes with me a lot. *Special note if your name is Jim and you are reading this * - I love you, I *know* that you love me more than anyone has ever loved me.. ever.. - the part I need to work on is feeling like I could ever be deserving of your love, and that you aren't just going to come home one day and tell me to get lost. If that makes sense? -- anyway, back to my music, no more deep thinking today...
Anyone want cookies? I am drinking water, and eating cookies.. I am pretty sure that is not going to cancel out :)
Angel Chasse (again)
7 comments:
Hell yeah I want cookies!
Dear Blog Friend Angel,
I am worried about you. Is there some way I can help you find a therapist in Iowa?
BTW, Water cancels out the cookies ALL THE TIME in my book.
~Deborah
Dear Angel,
Just read your response. Thanks for contacting me. If I can point you in a direction, let me know. I was worried :).
Take care,
Deb
i was just having this conversation the other day, about not feeling love, or feeling like i cant give it out as well, weird eh? well i hope you start feeling better, but i will take you up on the cookie offer :) take care ok?
angel...i so want to give you a big ole hug...and i am totally not the hugging type :)
Angel my love,
I hope that I can explain this to you in a way you will understand.
I know that you must feel like a bad person because you are not recognizing the love you feel from me and other people in your life. I wish I could say I know what it is like to feel that way, but I can’t. I can tell you that what you are feeling will pass. Like all of the obstacles you have over come in your life, you will overcome this one. With time and direction you will see things in a way you are not used to seeing them. I hope that I can help you along the way and you will trust me and those in your life that want to show you that there is more to life and love than what you see it is being now.
If I can offer something to you now, I would like to point out that you do feel the love from people. You are just not seeing it for what it is. An example would be when you tell me about how much you fear for you mother dying. How you hope that you die first. You tell me that you would be lost without her. Those thoughts you have, even thou they are painful, are indeed thoughts of love. Love is not always the smile in someone’s on face, or the joy you feel when the person you love is around you. Sometimes Love is the feeling you have when you gut hurts so much you are sick because something bad has just happened to a member of your family. Love can be the pain in your heart because your brother just does not understand how to think about his future. It is also the pain you feel when someone you love tell you that you need help and you feel shame because you don’t want them to think poorly of you.
Love is not always the best feeling in the world. Sometimes is can hurt so much, the pain blocks out all other feelings and emotions. It is clear that you feel love. What I am hoping we can work on is recognizing the love that feels good when it comes along. Maybe the love that feels good does not slap you as hard as the love that hurts, but it is love. The more you can feel it, the more you will realize you have so much of it in your life. Feeling all the love you have in your life may quit the voices in your mind. Or at least it may arm you with more tools you can use to get rid of them.
I know it has been a long hard road for you my love. You may not see it, but you have come so far. You are a long way from the woman that was crying in her hospital room praying for her life to end. You may still have a long way to go, but there are lots of people that love you that will stand by you every step of the way giving you what ever help we can. We, I, will always be here for you. ALWAYS.
I love you my sweet. I will always love you. I will always remind you. I will always try to make sure you hear me. One day, maybe not so long from now, you will hear me. You will feel me. You will see me. Until then, I hope that you will keep working hard at making your life richer, happier and full of love.
I love you.
Jim
The man making the comment before this one is my husband. He is the greatest man I have ever known. I know we were meant to be together. I hope it is forever.
Angel Chasse (again)
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