Man, I can't seem to wrap my head around this 2nd cat 5 hurricane headed towards (they think) Galveston TX. Holy cow! Seems like to me, that sometimes, enough is ENOUGH.. but, hopefully with the devastation of Katrina, there were lessons learned, and things will be swifter this time, and people that need to get out of harm's way will do so. How does that saying go.. "those that do not learn from history are destined to repeat it" - I hope that is not the case here. Jimbo has finished his proposal for his research paper. Now to get that idea approved, and get to the researching and writing part :) - He is planning on writing about the importance of continued missions to Mars, to delve into the future, as well as the past. -- well, he writes it much more elegantly than that, but that is the jist of it :)
On a side note, this stomach-ache can go AWAY now, and stay far far away.
Another side note, www.give.org shows a listing of many charities, and where there dollars go. A few people I have run into said that the American Red Cross loses a lot of the dollars that you and I donate, to administrative costs. It looks to be about 5.4% from this site's info.. just wanted to share that, thought I am not saying I am an expert on it.
PS
I am addicted to TV (not a new thing) but now we have a DVR - so we can tape shows and fast forward through commercials, and etc... so I have quite the list of things recording..
ER
House
Two and a half men
King of Queens
Anything Rachael Ray and lots of food network.. shocker there :)
How its made on the Science channel
7th Heaven
The Apprentice: Martha Stewart
Desparate Housewives
Sex and the city on WGN Channel (where did the extra 8 minutes of show go??)
I am sure there are more, but that is all I can think of for now :) That's bad :)
Angel Chasse (again)
www.jimandangel.com
9/22/2005
9/15/2005
What I did in Louisiana
The day to day of what I did while working at my shelter…
I had intended to stay for 3 weeks, but I got salmonella poisoning, and came home early. When I am feeling a bit better, I will volunteer with my local Red Cross chapter, and will certainly go back the coast if they need me there once I am 100% here is what a typical day was kind of like…
610 am wake up get ready
630 am head to home-ec room/kitchen and help prepare breakfast I usually just opened cans, or stirred stuff or washed dishes and cleaned… there were 2 ladies that were residents of the shelter that kind of took the lead on what to cook for breakfast… lots of pancakes, grits, eggs, biscuits stuff like that, and tons of little cans of fruit cocktail and assorted other stuff that needed to be opened up - I was good at that.. In the home-ec room there were two huge center islands, and 4 stoves, a little bigger than a usual home stove but not industrial by any means we used the tools and pans and containers that the school had there for us so we would cook everything up, and then sit it on the center island and make an assembly line to scoop the food into the Styrofoam containers that we had.. (I am informed they are called clamshells – and some couldn’t remember that name and called them oyster shells) - so we would let people start in line about 8am and be done serving by 9-915 – then I helped with cleanup and washed all tables and chairs down, put the chairs up on top of the tables and vacuumed… there were always things to do in the kitchen… take out the 10 garbage cans, or fill the big tub with more ice and bottled water… or mop, or wipe stuff down, there were a ton of things to do in the kitchen…
930 we had a brief staff meeting. I was technically in charge of events and happenings, and news, and helping in kitchen and planning and doing activities with the little kids each night… Anyone who knows me, knows I loved that part (
So about 10 I would meet with Joe, the shelter manager, and we would go over any news that he wanted me to write out on papers and post at all major doors, or stuff that just needed to go on our updates bulletin board… by the time I got all those signs made up and dispersed, it was usually time go to the back of the school area and get bags of ice to restock the kitchen and front office, or various errands and then on to helping with lunch at 1130 – lunch and supper were hot meals cooked for us by the volunteers of the Southern Baptist Convention churches… They had volunteers much like the Red Cross does, and would cook all day… that food was put into big red containers, called Cambros, that kept hot food hot, and cold food cold, losing only one degree per hour if they were not opened… So the ERV (emergency response vehicle) would deliver us that food, and also supplies that they knew we needed and could get their hands on for us like cups and clamshells, and misc. snacks etc… after serving lunch, we again cleaned up so at about 2pm I usually went up to the front desk to see if they needed any help with room counts.. every day (or nearly every day, depending) we would knock on all the residents doors and ask who was all still there in that room, and make an accurate count, so we would know who had gone, and who all remained… it was a nice time to get to check on everyone and see how they were doing, and if they needed anything (that we could provide) they all needed things we couldn’t even begin to help with.
From about 4-530 I just ran errands and helped anyone who was doing something, there was always plenty to do, and I tried to plan something to do with the kids that evening
Again, 530 prepare for dinner, 730 done with cleanup from that … 730to 9 was fun time for the kids, and we did coloring contests, and had story time, and watched a movie, always with a snack involved… Sometimes this part was hard, because I was the only staff assigned to entertain 20-25 kids, from way too young (like 2 and in diapers) to old, like 15… so sometimes the kids got a bit out of hand, but they knew the rules - you don’t listen, you get sent back to your room - no snack -- I had a few little stuffed animals that Joe the shelter manager had scrounged up too, so I could give those out as top prize for the night, who behaved best that night etc… after the kids got their snack and headed back to their rooms, I just cleaned up the area we used, and then headed for bed, usually by 930-10 and for my baby-wipe shower, and for my cell phone to call home and see how the family was…. We girls had our own classroom that we slept in, and usually we would swap stories of our day, and a few tears over things that had been said, or witnessed, or just over a long, rough day.
Our Staff at Pearl River High School Red Cross Shelter
Joe – Shelter Manager (In Charge) Went out into town to get supplies from Wal-Mart, oversaw all of us other Red Crossers and volunteers, and I would assume made any and all contact with the Red Cross headquarters
Bob- 1st time disaster volunteer, handled front desk and housing (assigning rooms etc) He was also the ice hauler, the overflowing sink/toilet fixer, the all around helpful guy if you needed anything done that took two people, he would always come to your rescue
Pam- Canadian Red Cross Volunteer, Experienced… Front desk, in charge of list of residents and checking in and out and various questions/concerns
Sandy – Canadian Red Cross Volunteer, Experienced - Headed the kitchen ordering and supplies, and oversaw menus etc…
Sharon – Nurse (RN) – experienced volunteer – took care of sick (as best we could) oversaw the special needs people in the shelter library, and coordinated when the doctors came to see residents – also helped us with whatever was needed when she was not busy
Angel – 1st time disaster volunteer - did whatever was asked of me, helped with all 3 meals, in charge of signs that went up giving info on showers and news and FEMA and various other happenings… ran children’s programs at night
We had 3 other people with us, that were running the shelter with Joe before Bob, Pam, Sandy and I arrived. They were from Ohio I think, and they were Ralph, Fred, and Carl (Carl was the manager)
They have a term at the Red Cross LDV Local Disaster Volunteers …usually people residing in the shelter that agree and want to help with meals or cleaning or whatever they would like to do… we had some great ones!!! A couple of guys usually volunteered to take out all the garbage after mealtime, and some helped us serve meals if we were spread too thin, 2 ladies in particular helped cook breakfast every morning, it was great since they knew what the people of LA would want to eat, and they could tell us Yankees how to make it … they were wonderful!!!!
For a short time, we also had Victor. He is a HAM radio operator and drove from Texas (I think) to help us get communication with headquarters… sometimes he could get right through, and sometimes he had to relay messages through someone in Slidell, a neighboring town, and get them to Covington or Baton Rouge that way. He was a very nice guy, and even offered to let us hear the radio news, or TV news at ten when he got it to come in Only bad thing was we were all so tired, that we just opted to go to bed instead. He is a very smart guy, with a lot of contacts it seems I don’t really think he got the respect he deserved in our staff meetings, but I think he was great. Our link to the outside world
I don’t think I am really ready to figure out what I want to say about how it was down there, as far as the residents we talked with and met and lived with, or the stories we heard, there is good and bad, and I don’t think I can get out what I want to say fully.
One thing was, even though we KNEW that the people were upset with the Red Cross being so slow in their efforts of help, not many of those residents ever had a bad thing to say to us. I know they talked on their own, but when we were serving dinner, or walking by, or offering them help in any way, they were for the most part all very, very thankful that we were there, and of the things we COULD do for them up to that point. It felt very weird hearing them say thank you, when they had things much worse than we did. They were still grateful.
I will write more about the people and how they were coping and that type of thing, but right now, I am still not feeling 100% and, I don’t know for sure what stories to share, so I will think a bit more on that and post it when I think I have a good plan
I had intended to stay for 3 weeks, but I got salmonella poisoning, and came home early. When I am feeling a bit better, I will volunteer with my local Red Cross chapter, and will certainly go back the coast if they need me there once I am 100% here is what a typical day was kind of like…
610 am wake up get ready
630 am head to home-ec room/kitchen and help prepare breakfast I usually just opened cans, or stirred stuff or washed dishes and cleaned… there were 2 ladies that were residents of the shelter that kind of took the lead on what to cook for breakfast… lots of pancakes, grits, eggs, biscuits stuff like that, and tons of little cans of fruit cocktail and assorted other stuff that needed to be opened up - I was good at that.. In the home-ec room there were two huge center islands, and 4 stoves, a little bigger than a usual home stove but not industrial by any means we used the tools and pans and containers that the school had there for us so we would cook everything up, and then sit it on the center island and make an assembly line to scoop the food into the Styrofoam containers that we had.. (I am informed they are called clamshells – and some couldn’t remember that name and called them oyster shells) - so we would let people start in line about 8am and be done serving by 9-915 – then I helped with cleanup and washed all tables and chairs down, put the chairs up on top of the tables and vacuumed… there were always things to do in the kitchen… take out the 10 garbage cans, or fill the big tub with more ice and bottled water… or mop, or wipe stuff down, there were a ton of things to do in the kitchen…
930 we had a brief staff meeting. I was technically in charge of events and happenings, and news, and helping in kitchen and planning and doing activities with the little kids each night… Anyone who knows me, knows I loved that part (
So about 10 I would meet with Joe, the shelter manager, and we would go over any news that he wanted me to write out on papers and post at all major doors, or stuff that just needed to go on our updates bulletin board… by the time I got all those signs made up and dispersed, it was usually time go to the back of the school area and get bags of ice to restock the kitchen and front office, or various errands and then on to helping with lunch at 1130 – lunch and supper were hot meals cooked for us by the volunteers of the Southern Baptist Convention churches… They had volunteers much like the Red Cross does, and would cook all day… that food was put into big red containers, called Cambros, that kept hot food hot, and cold food cold, losing only one degree per hour if they were not opened… So the ERV (emergency response vehicle) would deliver us that food, and also supplies that they knew we needed and could get their hands on for us like cups and clamshells, and misc. snacks etc… after serving lunch, we again cleaned up so at about 2pm I usually went up to the front desk to see if they needed any help with room counts.. every day (or nearly every day, depending) we would knock on all the residents doors and ask who was all still there in that room, and make an accurate count, so we would know who had gone, and who all remained… it was a nice time to get to check on everyone and see how they were doing, and if they needed anything (that we could provide) they all needed things we couldn’t even begin to help with.
From about 4-530 I just ran errands and helped anyone who was doing something, there was always plenty to do, and I tried to plan something to do with the kids that evening
Again, 530 prepare for dinner, 730 done with cleanup from that … 730to 9 was fun time for the kids, and we did coloring contests, and had story time, and watched a movie, always with a snack involved… Sometimes this part was hard, because I was the only staff assigned to entertain 20-25 kids, from way too young (like 2 and in diapers) to old, like 15… so sometimes the kids got a bit out of hand, but they knew the rules - you don’t listen, you get sent back to your room - no snack -- I had a few little stuffed animals that Joe the shelter manager had scrounged up too, so I could give those out as top prize for the night, who behaved best that night etc… after the kids got their snack and headed back to their rooms, I just cleaned up the area we used, and then headed for bed, usually by 930-10 and for my baby-wipe shower, and for my cell phone to call home and see how the family was…. We girls had our own classroom that we slept in, and usually we would swap stories of our day, and a few tears over things that had been said, or witnessed, or just over a long, rough day.
Our Staff at Pearl River High School Red Cross Shelter
Joe – Shelter Manager (In Charge) Went out into town to get supplies from Wal-Mart, oversaw all of us other Red Crossers and volunteers, and I would assume made any and all contact with the Red Cross headquarters
Bob- 1st time disaster volunteer, handled front desk and housing (assigning rooms etc) He was also the ice hauler, the overflowing sink/toilet fixer, the all around helpful guy if you needed anything done that took two people, he would always come to your rescue
Pam- Canadian Red Cross Volunteer, Experienced… Front desk, in charge of list of residents and checking in and out and various questions/concerns
Sandy – Canadian Red Cross Volunteer, Experienced - Headed the kitchen ordering and supplies, and oversaw menus etc…
Sharon – Nurse (RN) – experienced volunteer – took care of sick (as best we could) oversaw the special needs people in the shelter library, and coordinated when the doctors came to see residents – also helped us with whatever was needed when she was not busy
Angel – 1st time disaster volunteer - did whatever was asked of me, helped with all 3 meals, in charge of signs that went up giving info on showers and news and FEMA and various other happenings… ran children’s programs at night
We had 3 other people with us, that were running the shelter with Joe before Bob, Pam, Sandy and I arrived. They were from Ohio I think, and they were Ralph, Fred, and Carl (Carl was the manager)
They have a term at the Red Cross LDV Local Disaster Volunteers …usually people residing in the shelter that agree and want to help with meals or cleaning or whatever they would like to do… we had some great ones!!! A couple of guys usually volunteered to take out all the garbage after mealtime, and some helped us serve meals if we were spread too thin, 2 ladies in particular helped cook breakfast every morning, it was great since they knew what the people of LA would want to eat, and they could tell us Yankees how to make it … they were wonderful!!!!
For a short time, we also had Victor. He is a HAM radio operator and drove from Texas (I think) to help us get communication with headquarters… sometimes he could get right through, and sometimes he had to relay messages through someone in Slidell, a neighboring town, and get them to Covington or Baton Rouge that way. He was a very nice guy, and even offered to let us hear the radio news, or TV news at ten when he got it to come in Only bad thing was we were all so tired, that we just opted to go to bed instead. He is a very smart guy, with a lot of contacts it seems I don’t really think he got the respect he deserved in our staff meetings, but I think he was great. Our link to the outside world
I don’t think I am really ready to figure out what I want to say about how it was down there, as far as the residents we talked with and met and lived with, or the stories we heard, there is good and bad, and I don’t think I can get out what I want to say fully.
One thing was, even though we KNEW that the people were upset with the Red Cross being so slow in their efforts of help, not many of those residents ever had a bad thing to say to us. I know they talked on their own, but when we were serving dinner, or walking by, or offering them help in any way, they were for the most part all very, very thankful that we were there, and of the things we COULD do for them up to that point. It felt very weird hearing them say thank you, when they had things much worse than we did. They were still grateful.
I will write more about the people and how they were coping and that type of thing, but right now, I am still not feeling 100% and, I don’t know for sure what stories to share, so I will think a bit more on that and post it when I think I have a good plan
9/13/2005
I'm back home early
http://www.jimandangel.com/katrina/
Jim made a page for updates while I was down in Louisiana.
I am home early. I have a "bit of Salmonella poisoning".. so says the Dr that saw me in Louisiana. He sent me home with a "stomach virus" then got blood work back the next day and called me. I am really bummed that I had to leave the Red Cross early, but I am glad that with salmonella, it is only me that is sick, and I didn't/couldn't spread it to the residents of our shelter.
I am working on a word document that tells a little about what I did when I was down there, and what I thought of the experience.. overall it was WONDERFUL. I wish I wasn't sick now of course, and some things that happened down there were not the greatest, but I will tell you all about it after I have regained my wits and energy a bit.
Please, if you pray, or what ever you might do in lieu of that, the people down in Louisiana and the Gulf Coast could use it. Many of them were poor to begin with, and now they have the clothes on their back....
Take care :)
More later
Angel Chasse (again)
Jim made a page for updates while I was down in Louisiana.
I am home early. I have a "bit of Salmonella poisoning".. so says the Dr that saw me in Louisiana. He sent me home with a "stomach virus" then got blood work back the next day and called me. I am really bummed that I had to leave the Red Cross early, but I am glad that with salmonella, it is only me that is sick, and I didn't/couldn't spread it to the residents of our shelter.
I am working on a word document that tells a little about what I did when I was down there, and what I thought of the experience.. overall it was WONDERFUL. I wish I wasn't sick now of course, and some things that happened down there were not the greatest, but I will tell you all about it after I have regained my wits and energy a bit.
Please, if you pray, or what ever you might do in lieu of that, the people down in Louisiana and the Gulf Coast could use it. Many of them were poor to begin with, and now they have the clothes on their back....
Take care :)
More later
Angel Chasse (again)
9/02/2005
Angel and Katrina
I am going with the Red Cross down to Houston tomorrow. From there they will assign me to a post. I am told we won't be going yet into New Orleans, but I am willing to help wherever I can. I called my local red cross chapter, and let them know that I knew they needed cash right now, but that is not something I have.. what I do have is time, and a willingness to help. So, they got me into a class, and I did paperwork, and tomorrow I leave for Houston by plane. From there I will go to the staging area for more training/paperwork, and then to what will be my post. I am committed to them for 3 weeks, but who knows, if they need me, and I can handle it, I would love to stay longer.. but time will tell how that goes... I am so nervous, and so happy to be able to help all at the same time.. I know I will see and experience things there that I have never seen or experienced before, but all in all, I think it will make me a better person than I know how to be now. So if any of you out there reading this do not have any cash to give, let me be the first to tell you that they need volunteers. You don't have to go to Katrina, like I am doing, but the local chapters are flooded with work for volunteers as well. So if you don't have cash, but you have time.. consider it?
Here's to hoping that the people of the gulf coast start to get what they need... and soon..
Angel Chasse (again)
Friday night, 10:49 Central. From Home in Iowa
Here's to hoping that the people of the gulf coast start to get what they need... and soon..
Angel Chasse (again)
Friday night, 10:49 Central. From Home in Iowa
8/30/2005
8/25/2005
The Website ... Part II
So, I spent like 6 hours yesterday making a new page for the site, and updating lots of pictures from the old site... and then I did something (not sure what) and 2 of my pages were missing all their pictures and were basically screwed up.. so I was mad, sad, upset, and I didn't want to work on the site anymore.. -- but a new day, and a new challenge I guess. I didn't sleep much last night, so I might just be tired, and willing to start over cuz of that.. but is probably cuz Jim encouraged me :) :) - Yep, pretty sure that was it
So, some of the pages are updated again now, and I hope they don't wreck themselves any time soon.... so on the webpage saga goes.. but really, I think I am in over my head on this. .I can do simple simple stuff, but when it gets at all complicated, I get confused and mess it all up... anyway... so its just a website in the long run :)
http://www.jimandangel.com
Enjoy :)
Angel Chasse (again)
So, some of the pages are updated again now, and I hope they don't wreck themselves any time soon.... so on the webpage saga goes.. but really, I think I am in over my head on this. .I can do simple simple stuff, but when it gets at all complicated, I get confused and mess it all up... anyway... so its just a website in the long run :)
http://www.jimandangel.com
Enjoy :)
Angel Chasse (again)
8/24/2005
Jim and Angel's Website
Our site is up!! Yay.. Thanks to Jim, our site is up. I have updated some of the pages, but some still need some updates .. soon there will be a page that shows pictures of our new apartment (well new in may I guess) - I am excited. Jim showed me some of how to edit pages, so I have done a fair amount of that today, with more all week long :)
The site is at:
http://jimandangel.com
Stop by anytime.. and sign the guestbook if you'd like :)
Angel Chasse (again)
The site is at:
http://jimandangel.com
Stop by anytime.. and sign the guestbook if you'd like :)
Angel Chasse (again)
8/21/2005
What to write about, what to write about?
I need to keep this thing as a more "daily" part of my life.. I promised myself I would.
Today, just listening to some music, and catching up on everyone's blog.
Jim starts back to college on Wednesday. Woo hoo for him :)
I've been thinking of what "larger cities" I would like to move to once he has his degree.
He hates winter here in the midwest, and hates the humidity of the summer..
Soooo.. somewhere south possibly? Both coasts are too expensive, especially when
you consider we are used to Iowa/South Dakota prices for everything.
So, maybe Arizona.. a couple of online friends rave about Tucson.. we'll see..
it's 4 years from now.
I am going to look up now (I think) to see if there are any ways to do something before
you go to bed, to keep the nightmares to a minimum (is that how you spell that?)
I've had more than my fair share of nightmares these last couple of weeks, but I
am not sure why? - Ok, so here is some portion of a song by Garth Brooks
It's called Face to Face :
Your date showed up with flowers
And you thought your dreams had come
But with every passing hour
You felt it come undone
Then the night exploded and you begged him no
But he forever changed your life
And now he waits a judge and jury
Thinkin' you'll break down inside
And with a finger you can put his fists away
And you're face to face
Face to face with the devil that you've been dreadin'
Eye to eye finally has arrived
But bad as it was, well little sister wasn't it better
Dealin' with him face to face
'Cause it'll never go away
Until the fear that you are runnin' from is finally embraced
Drivin' by the grave yard
On a wicked winter's eve
And you're wonderin' why a man of faith
Is whistlin' nervously
Then you stop the car
And you hold your heart
'Cause you finally realize
Hell, the devil ain't in the darkness
He's 'rattlin' 'round inside
And with folded hands you truly start to pray
And you're face to face
Face to face with the devil that you've been dreadin'
Eye to eye finally has arrived
But bad as it was, well now brother wasn't it better
Dealin' with him face to face
'Cause it'll never go away
Until the fear that you are runnin' from is finally embraced
Face to face
Then you stop the car
And you hold your heart
'Cause you finally realize
Hell, the devil ain't in the darkness
He's 'rattlin' 'round inside
I have that devil, I think he resides in my heart. He would probably be the reason I hear strange and mean voices in my head telling me I should just kill myself, and that I will never be loved and I will never deserve anything. Anything good that is. I suppose for me, I need to get rid of that devil, and then I can move on. I was thinking the other day. It was the weirdest thing. I realized that I can't feel someone's love. I know that my husband loves me, and he says it enough. I even believe that he is not lying about loving me. I guess my thought of "how could he love ME" takes over, and it makes it hard, if not impossible for me to take it on faith, and look at all the evidence that he loves me, and let that in, feel it. Weird.. I know.. weird for me even to think about. It's the same way with everyone. I know how *I* feel towards them, there is no doubt for me that others deserve and have my love. I just don't really get that some people actually, really, truly, deeply, for real, forever love *ME* - weird. I suppose that would make a good topic with a therapist. I just always feel like at any moment people could all just walk away from me thinking I am too much work, and too dramatic, and I half expect them to actually walk away. - I really need to work on that, cuz it messes with me a lot. *Special note if your name is Jim and you are reading this * - I love you, I *know* that you love me more than anyone has ever loved me.. ever.. - the part I need to work on is feeling like I could ever be deserving of your love, and that you aren't just going to come home one day and tell me to get lost. If that makes sense? -- anyway, back to my music, no more deep thinking today...
Anyone want cookies? I am drinking water, and eating cookies.. I am pretty sure that is not going to cancel out :)
Angel Chasse (again)
Today, just listening to some music, and catching up on everyone's blog.
Jim starts back to college on Wednesday. Woo hoo for him :)
I've been thinking of what "larger cities" I would like to move to once he has his degree.
He hates winter here in the midwest, and hates the humidity of the summer..
Soooo.. somewhere south possibly? Both coasts are too expensive, especially when
you consider we are used to Iowa/South Dakota prices for everything.
So, maybe Arizona.. a couple of online friends rave about Tucson.. we'll see..
it's 4 years from now.
I am going to look up now (I think) to see if there are any ways to do something before
you go to bed, to keep the nightmares to a minimum (is that how you spell that?)
I've had more than my fair share of nightmares these last couple of weeks, but I
am not sure why? - Ok, so here is some portion of a song by Garth Brooks
It's called Face to Face :
Your date showed up with flowers
And you thought your dreams had come
But with every passing hour
You felt it come undone
Then the night exploded and you begged him no
But he forever changed your life
And now he waits a judge and jury
Thinkin' you'll break down inside
And with a finger you can put his fists away
And you're face to face
Face to face with the devil that you've been dreadin'
Eye to eye finally has arrived
But bad as it was, well little sister wasn't it better
Dealin' with him face to face
'Cause it'll never go away
Until the fear that you are runnin' from is finally embraced
Drivin' by the grave yard
On a wicked winter's eve
And you're wonderin' why a man of faith
Is whistlin' nervously
Then you stop the car
And you hold your heart
'Cause you finally realize
Hell, the devil ain't in the darkness
He's 'rattlin' 'round inside
And with folded hands you truly start to pray
And you're face to face
Face to face with the devil that you've been dreadin'
Eye to eye finally has arrived
But bad as it was, well now brother wasn't it better
Dealin' with him face to face
'Cause it'll never go away
Until the fear that you are runnin' from is finally embraced
Face to face
Then you stop the car
And you hold your heart
'Cause you finally realize
Hell, the devil ain't in the darkness
He's 'rattlin' 'round inside
I have that devil, I think he resides in my heart. He would probably be the reason I hear strange and mean voices in my head telling me I should just kill myself, and that I will never be loved and I will never deserve anything. Anything good that is. I suppose for me, I need to get rid of that devil, and then I can move on. I was thinking the other day. It was the weirdest thing. I realized that I can't feel someone's love. I know that my husband loves me, and he says it enough. I even believe that he is not lying about loving me. I guess my thought of "how could he love ME" takes over, and it makes it hard, if not impossible for me to take it on faith, and look at all the evidence that he loves me, and let that in, feel it. Weird.. I know.. weird for me even to think about. It's the same way with everyone. I know how *I* feel towards them, there is no doubt for me that others deserve and have my love. I just don't really get that some people actually, really, truly, deeply, for real, forever love *ME* - weird. I suppose that would make a good topic with a therapist. I just always feel like at any moment people could all just walk away from me thinking I am too much work, and too dramatic, and I half expect them to actually walk away. - I really need to work on that, cuz it messes with me a lot. *Special note if your name is Jim and you are reading this * - I love you, I *know* that you love me more than anyone has ever loved me.. ever.. - the part I need to work on is feeling like I could ever be deserving of your love, and that you aren't just going to come home one day and tell me to get lost. If that makes sense? -- anyway, back to my music, no more deep thinking today...
Anyone want cookies? I am drinking water, and eating cookies.. I am pretty sure that is not going to cancel out :)
Angel Chasse (again)
8/18/2005
What do I believe Part II
Does anyone have any advice?
I don't know what I believe in...
I know I love my husband
I know I love my family
I know I love children
I know...
I know, or I am pretty sure.. that I am not the kind of person who can take things on faith...
I'm not even talking about religion yet.
I mean, like when people don't tell me they love me for a long time, I start to figure they don't..
And, when someone stops returning my calls, I assume they have nothing to say to me..
I have never been a person that could just really believe stuff, without it making sense to me.
I think this might be why religion is so confusing/complex/unfavorable for me to think about..
Examples, I have a ton of them. When something goes wrong, I assume it is something I did. When my sister doesn't call me back, I freak out, and assume that she doesn't want to talk to me specifically. I don't just figure (like most people, I would assume) that she is busy, has a new baby to take care of and lots of stuff to do .. I assume that she is not calling ME back, because she doesn't have anything that she wants to say to ME ...
When my husband has had a bad day, and is in a bad mood, I usually assume that there is something I could be doing for him to make him feel better, and if I can't do that, then I am not a good wife, and we are not right for each other anymore, and he probably is falling out of love with me......
When my little brother doesn't call, or stop by, I figure he doesn't have time for me either..
I don't know. I could go on and on about how I feel like I am always saying the wrong thing and doing the wrong thing (and sometimes I am, cuz I have a temper) -- but I just can't let things be. I can't just let someone be too busy to talk to anyone, let alone me, and I can't seem to stop taking it to heart when these kinds of things happen to me. I am missing that blind faith that others seem to have .... the kind that tells them that their sisters and brothers and family and husbands and moms and dads love them 110% of the time.. and that they would always love hearing from them.. and that no matter what, their husband can have a bad day, and even if you can't make it better, you are not failing as a wife.. I don't know about me sometimes. Sometimes it seems very self-centered to me that I would think that anyone takes enough time out of their busy day to even notice if they haven't called, or returned calls, or said hi, or stopped by.. I just don't know. I DO know that it feels crappy to feel this way, and it ruins your life to be this way... Talk therapy.. yup, should do it.. and should get back on some meds.. yup.. and should check out the dr's office that says they go on a sliding scale here, yup.. Maybe this coming week I will do all of this....
Other things that suck about being me:
Feeling like I am less of a person than basically any other person I have ever met.
Feeling like I am going to die having not done any one significant thing to help society
Wanting a baby so bad that it hurts sometimes..
Wanting/Needing/Loving my husband, but constantly feeling as if I should just do the right thing and let him get on with the life that he was supposed to lead, before he met me
Being scared of the dark
Hating to go anywhere around other people
Being so needy
Being so sad
Negativity, negativity, negativity
Laziness, and lack of motivation
Wanting to just act like I am "normal" nothing wrong, no need for meds or help ever..
Going off meds, thinking I will be fine without them
Hearing voices.. if most people know how often I hear voices (all the time) - they would not come near me I think
Feeling like suicide is a viable option sometimes.. and having tried it many times
Feeling like I have let my parents, my family, my friends, and most of all my husband down by not just being "fake happy" like I was when I met my husband. Sometimes I feel like if he had known I would be the way I am today, there is no way we would have gotten close, much less gotten married...
I know.. I know... distorted thinking.. I have been told.. I have been retold.. I have been told again... but most days it feels so REAL.. so REALITY.. so ALL THERE IS FOR ME TO THINK..
Today wasn't an especially rough day for me, but I sure could use some time off from all of the things swirling in my head.. vacation .. now.. vacation.... now... anyway.. if you have read this.. anyone.. you deserve a gold star :)
Angel Chasse (again)
I don't know what I believe in...
I know I love my husband
I know I love my family
I know I love children
I know...
I know, or I am pretty sure.. that I am not the kind of person who can take things on faith...
I'm not even talking about religion yet.
I mean, like when people don't tell me they love me for a long time, I start to figure they don't..
And, when someone stops returning my calls, I assume they have nothing to say to me..
I have never been a person that could just really believe stuff, without it making sense to me.
I think this might be why religion is so confusing/complex/unfavorable for me to think about..
Examples, I have a ton of them. When something goes wrong, I assume it is something I did. When my sister doesn't call me back, I freak out, and assume that she doesn't want to talk to me specifically. I don't just figure (like most people, I would assume) that she is busy, has a new baby to take care of and lots of stuff to do .. I assume that she is not calling ME back, because she doesn't have anything that she wants to say to ME ...
When my husband has had a bad day, and is in a bad mood, I usually assume that there is something I could be doing for him to make him feel better, and if I can't do that, then I am not a good wife, and we are not right for each other anymore, and he probably is falling out of love with me......
When my little brother doesn't call, or stop by, I figure he doesn't have time for me either..
I don't know. I could go on and on about how I feel like I am always saying the wrong thing and doing the wrong thing (and sometimes I am, cuz I have a temper) -- but I just can't let things be. I can't just let someone be too busy to talk to anyone, let alone me, and I can't seem to stop taking it to heart when these kinds of things happen to me. I am missing that blind faith that others seem to have .... the kind that tells them that their sisters and brothers and family and husbands and moms and dads love them 110% of the time.. and that they would always love hearing from them.. and that no matter what, their husband can have a bad day, and even if you can't make it better, you are not failing as a wife.. I don't know about me sometimes. Sometimes it seems very self-centered to me that I would think that anyone takes enough time out of their busy day to even notice if they haven't called, or returned calls, or said hi, or stopped by.. I just don't know. I DO know that it feels crappy to feel this way, and it ruins your life to be this way... Talk therapy.. yup, should do it.. and should get back on some meds.. yup.. and should check out the dr's office that says they go on a sliding scale here, yup.. Maybe this coming week I will do all of this....
Other things that suck about being me:
Feeling like I am less of a person than basically any other person I have ever met.
Feeling like I am going to die having not done any one significant thing to help society
Wanting a baby so bad that it hurts sometimes..
Wanting/Needing/Loving my husband, but constantly feeling as if I should just do the right thing and let him get on with the life that he was supposed to lead, before he met me
Being scared of the dark
Hating to go anywhere around other people
Being so needy
Being so sad
Negativity, negativity, negativity
Laziness, and lack of motivation
Wanting to just act like I am "normal" nothing wrong, no need for meds or help ever..
Going off meds, thinking I will be fine without them
Hearing voices.. if most people know how often I hear voices (all the time) - they would not come near me I think
Feeling like suicide is a viable option sometimes.. and having tried it many times
Feeling like I have let my parents, my family, my friends, and most of all my husband down by not just being "fake happy" like I was when I met my husband. Sometimes I feel like if he had known I would be the way I am today, there is no way we would have gotten close, much less gotten married...
I know.. I know... distorted thinking.. I have been told.. I have been retold.. I have been told again... but most days it feels so REAL.. so REALITY.. so ALL THERE IS FOR ME TO THINK..
Today wasn't an especially rough day for me, but I sure could use some time off from all of the things swirling in my head.. vacation .. now.. vacation.... now... anyway.. if you have read this.. anyone.. you deserve a gold star :)
Angel Chasse (again)
8/14/2005
News...
Not a lot going on here. Just spending time with the husband, and the family, and the friends :)
Jim goes back to school on the 24th and he is beyond excited about it. I am excited too, for him.
My jaw hurts. Seems like a muscle used for chewing is hurting, and I am not sure why, I do wish it would go away, and quickly.. 3 days is long enough for that!!! - Today is my Aunt Pennie's birthday, then Tuesday is my friend Shannon's, and then Wednesday is my cousin Brady's - lots of birthdays this month I guess. Still trying to keep up on my water drinking, so I have resorted to putting a bit (like quarter of a cup or less) of strong coffee in my water bottle during the morning, so I feel like I am getting coffee, but am still drinking my water. I always thought that when you started drinking a lot of water (for me I am trying for 3 liters a day, as I am a big person) - well anyway, I thought that once you have been drinking that much water for like a week or a little more, that you would pee less.. I mean like.. I have to pee allll the time now.. I guess that is good, flushing the old system out.. I don't know though. I have never gone to the bathroom this much in my life ;) -- I do have Dr Thunder in the fridge, but now I use that for a treat instead of drinking only that all day. I think in my own mind, I am doing well at the water thing :) lol --- we will see if it lasts... Im 27 years old, inactive, crazy, and extremely obese --- drinking water can't HURT lol --- ok... now back to my sore jaw muscle.. I haven't done anything to injure it or tire it out extremely, so I figure I have been having bad dreams a LOT and maybe when that happens a I grit my teeth and bite down a lot - that is the only thing I can figure that it could be... so anyway, I hope it feels better soon, cuz it hurts to chew.. and hey, that can be another weight loss tool.. .JUST KIDDIN! --
I read/heard about the plane crash in Greece. 121 people killed. *sad* -- I tell ya, the news, whenever I remember to turn it on.. its not good.. - I was also wondering, random thing... I watched the world news tonight show last Friday... are they going to keep calling it World News Tonight With Peter Jennings, or are they just leaving it that way for a time, to honor him? I don't know. I guess I should look it up. I am very happy as we have had some really cool weather lately.. I hate hate hate hate the heat :) I am a fall/winter girl all the way!!!!!! Come on FALL!!!!!!
Ok, I had better go for now, I am going to try to be better at posting more often, but I really don't have anything but complaining to do a lot of the days, so I try to stay away from this totally becoming "Angel's bitchiness blog" --- ask Jim, he knows about it.. he lives in "Angel's Bitchiness World" -- not fun...
Angel Chasse (again)
Jim goes back to school on the 24th and he is beyond excited about it. I am excited too, for him.
My jaw hurts. Seems like a muscle used for chewing is hurting, and I am not sure why, I do wish it would go away, and quickly.. 3 days is long enough for that!!! - Today is my Aunt Pennie's birthday, then Tuesday is my friend Shannon's, and then Wednesday is my cousin Brady's - lots of birthdays this month I guess. Still trying to keep up on my water drinking, so I have resorted to putting a bit (like quarter of a cup or less) of strong coffee in my water bottle during the morning, so I feel like I am getting coffee, but am still drinking my water. I always thought that when you started drinking a lot of water (for me I am trying for 3 liters a day, as I am a big person) - well anyway, I thought that once you have been drinking that much water for like a week or a little more, that you would pee less.. I mean like.. I have to pee allll the time now.. I guess that is good, flushing the old system out.. I don't know though. I have never gone to the bathroom this much in my life ;) -- I do have Dr Thunder in the fridge, but now I use that for a treat instead of drinking only that all day. I think in my own mind, I am doing well at the water thing :) lol --- we will see if it lasts... Im 27 years old, inactive, crazy, and extremely obese --- drinking water can't HURT lol --- ok... now back to my sore jaw muscle.. I haven't done anything to injure it or tire it out extremely, so I figure I have been having bad dreams a LOT and maybe when that happens a I grit my teeth and bite down a lot - that is the only thing I can figure that it could be... so anyway, I hope it feels better soon, cuz it hurts to chew.. and hey, that can be another weight loss tool.. .JUST KIDDIN! --
I read/heard about the plane crash in Greece. 121 people killed. *sad* -- I tell ya, the news, whenever I remember to turn it on.. its not good.. - I was also wondering, random thing... I watched the world news tonight show last Friday... are they going to keep calling it World News Tonight With Peter Jennings, or are they just leaving it that way for a time, to honor him? I don't know. I guess I should look it up. I am very happy as we have had some really cool weather lately.. I hate hate hate hate the heat :) I am a fall/winter girl all the way!!!!!! Come on FALL!!!!!!
Ok, I had better go for now, I am going to try to be better at posting more often, but I really don't have anything but complaining to do a lot of the days, so I try to stay away from this totally becoming "Angel's bitchiness blog" --- ask Jim, he knows about it.. he lives in "Angel's Bitchiness World" -- not fun...
Angel Chasse (again)
8/08/2005
My birthday 2005
Well,
I am 27 now (and my license is expired, I need to go get a new one tomorrow)
Went swimming, grilled out some food, spent time with Jim (the husband) - and Becky (the friend) -- Drank a few too many strawberry daquiris.. but miraculously for me, only had a mild headache/tummyache combo to wake up to the next morning. WOO HOO!
Now see, I am not a drinker.. I used to do more than my fair share, but it just doesn't agree with me, and I finally said I was gonna quit trying to drink, and not puke :) lol -- gotta love me.. soooo... I hardly ever drink now, and when I do, its one or two.. I am a lightweight I think my brother calls it .... but ahh well.. drinking isn't what life is all about :)
Got an email from Rosie, cuz I signed up to be a part of her mailing list. That was very cool. She is going to be back on broadway as Golde, in fiddler on the roof. She is happy, and I am happy for her... lol .. .not much broadway going on in Iowa.. but oh well.. I'll never be cultured in that I am sure... I also learned today on Rosie's blog that Peter Jennings passed away. That is sad. I looked up lung cancer when he announced it 4 months ago, and all the news articles were bad, saying survival rate was like 15% or something.. so I kind of figured ... but wow.. an American Icon, passed on.. only 67 years old. Tragic...
Got my "dogtag" necklace in the mail today from www.americasupportsyou.mil I will wear it. I have always been saying... You can support the troops without supporting the liar that put them there. Cuz they are there, and they are doing what was asked of them, and I couldn't be any more proud of each and every man and woman over there.
Saw my grandma and aunt and cousin and my brother and his gf last night. Not much new on that front, except that my brother forgot it was my birthday last Thursday. I guess I would rather have 100000 people forget that it was my birthday, than to ever forget the birthday of someone close to me. My friend Shannon's is coming up pretty soon, so I'll have to make sure to send her a note :)
Ok, so I wanted to say hi to all the blogsters that I read:
Rosie :) HI!
Jimmie :) HI!
Becky:) HI!
Lu :) HI!
Cindy :) HI!
Hollie :) HI!
Marty :) HI!
Toni :) HI!
Ashley :) HI!
Dr Deborah Serani :) HI!
I enjoy getting a peek into your lives through your blogs :) I hope that you all continue blogging, and that you feel like you get something out of it :) Take care all!!!!
Angel Chasse (again)
I am 27 now (and my license is expired, I need to go get a new one tomorrow)
Went swimming, grilled out some food, spent time with Jim (the husband) - and Becky (the friend) -- Drank a few too many strawberry daquiris.. but miraculously for me, only had a mild headache/tummyache combo to wake up to the next morning. WOO HOO!
Now see, I am not a drinker.. I used to do more than my fair share, but it just doesn't agree with me, and I finally said I was gonna quit trying to drink, and not puke :) lol -- gotta love me.. soooo... I hardly ever drink now, and when I do, its one or two.. I am a lightweight I think my brother calls it .... but ahh well.. drinking isn't what life is all about :)
Got an email from Rosie, cuz I signed up to be a part of her mailing list. That was very cool. She is going to be back on broadway as Golde, in fiddler on the roof. She is happy, and I am happy for her... lol .. .not much broadway going on in Iowa.. but oh well.. I'll never be cultured in that I am sure... I also learned today on Rosie's blog that Peter Jennings passed away. That is sad. I looked up lung cancer when he announced it 4 months ago, and all the news articles were bad, saying survival rate was like 15% or something.. so I kind of figured ... but wow.. an American Icon, passed on.. only 67 years old. Tragic...
Got my "dogtag" necklace in the mail today from www.americasupportsyou.mil I will wear it. I have always been saying... You can support the troops without supporting the liar that put them there. Cuz they are there, and they are doing what was asked of them, and I couldn't be any more proud of each and every man and woman over there.
Saw my grandma and aunt and cousin and my brother and his gf last night. Not much new on that front, except that my brother forgot it was my birthday last Thursday. I guess I would rather have 100000 people forget that it was my birthday, than to ever forget the birthday of someone close to me. My friend Shannon's is coming up pretty soon, so I'll have to make sure to send her a note :)
Ok, so I wanted to say hi to all the blogsters that I read:
Rosie :) HI!
Jimmie :) HI!
Becky:) HI!
Lu :) HI!
Cindy :) HI!
Hollie :) HI!
Marty :) HI!
Toni :) HI!
Ashley :) HI!
Dr Deborah Serani :) HI!
I enjoy getting a peek into your lives through your blogs :) I hope that you all continue blogging, and that you feel like you get something out of it :) Take care all!!!!
Angel Chasse (again)
8/03/2005
27 Candles on the cake for me...
So,
Tomorrow is my birthday - the 27th one in the series.
What am I going to do to celebrate? I don't know.
I don't really feel much like celebrating.
Jim isn't feeling well. Been to the Dr twice this week.
It really sucks seeing someone you love this much suffer.
And knowing there isn't really anything you can do.
And not knowing what is wrong, and why he feels crappy.
And wanting them to feel better NOW - and not wanting them to have to take pills to get rid of the pain and ickiness... URGH
Of course, I just want the world to be perfect :) and I want people not to have to struggle to make ends meet, and I don't want people to be sick.. or tired.. or sick and tired..
I realize trully that I can't live in a perfect world, but man, some days, it seems like mine has gone to crap!
But a few good things:
I get to spend a lot of time with Jim soon, cuz he will be back to college and be at home working on homework, and guess where I will be? You guessed it, home :)
I get to see my mom whenever I want, now that we live here in Sioux City
Becky is here, and she always has the time and the ear to listen to all my bs, and crap, and whining, and usually has a different way to look at things for me to try.. that's cooool
Leo (our cat) is awesome! He is loving, but not over-bearing, and can take care of himself, but doesn't mind being alone :)
My brother and all of the rest of my family are great. It is not that I don't KNOW that I have a lot of good things going on. It just seems like sometimes, Jim and I get screwed.. I mean, combo of our bad choices, and bad karma, or whatever you want to say it is.. but sometimes it's like the road keeps getting bumpier, and then they tear out the road, you think they are going to put it back in, and you find out that it is even worse than the first road was.. urgh
Another good thing is that I love reading other people's blogs, and I think that this one might be good for me too.. It just seems that lately everything is so negative... but.. this too shall pass..
Angel Chasse (again)
Tomorrow is my birthday - the 27th one in the series.
What am I going to do to celebrate? I don't know.
I don't really feel much like celebrating.
Jim isn't feeling well. Been to the Dr twice this week.
It really sucks seeing someone you love this much suffer.
And knowing there isn't really anything you can do.
And not knowing what is wrong, and why he feels crappy.
And wanting them to feel better NOW - and not wanting them to have to take pills to get rid of the pain and ickiness... URGH
Of course, I just want the world to be perfect :) and I want people not to have to struggle to make ends meet, and I don't want people to be sick.. or tired.. or sick and tired..
I realize trully that I can't live in a perfect world, but man, some days, it seems like mine has gone to crap!
But a few good things:
I get to spend a lot of time with Jim soon, cuz he will be back to college and be at home working on homework, and guess where I will be? You guessed it, home :)
I get to see my mom whenever I want, now that we live here in Sioux City
Becky is here, and she always has the time and the ear to listen to all my bs, and crap, and whining, and usually has a different way to look at things for me to try.. that's cooool
Leo (our cat) is awesome! He is loving, but not over-bearing, and can take care of himself, but doesn't mind being alone :)
My brother and all of the rest of my family are great. It is not that I don't KNOW that I have a lot of good things going on. It just seems like sometimes, Jim and I get screwed.. I mean, combo of our bad choices, and bad karma, or whatever you want to say it is.. but sometimes it's like the road keeps getting bumpier, and then they tear out the road, you think they are going to put it back in, and you find out that it is even worse than the first road was.. urgh
Another good thing is that I love reading other people's blogs, and I think that this one might be good for me too.. It just seems that lately everything is so negative... but.. this too shall pass..
Angel Chasse (again)
7/31/2005
So Tired....
I think I had another post one time about being too tired.
I am tired... like the physical kind, from not getting a good night's sleep, and the other kind..
From mind racing, thoughts crashing into one another. Trying to pay attention when someone I love is talking to me, trying to not listen to the voices... trying to not nag at Jim, trying to stay in a good mood. (Failing at those)
It just seems like a siege, a war inside my head, me wanting to read stuff and do stuff, and my mind firing off all these remarks about what a loser I am, and the paranoid thoughts.
Ha, I just thought about something, that if anyone reads this, they will probably think I am crazy... I would like to say I am :) lol -- nah, not schizophrenic, if that is what you are thinking...
But, I have issues.. and they are sometimes a lot to think about, or should I say a lot to try not to think about. Seems every year near my birthday I find myself looking back on my year and wondering how things went, and how things will go from here.
I need to find a new dr, to do my meds, and therapist and stuff.. - guess I will just pull money out of my ear for all of that :)
I just need to stop having mood swings, and feeling like everyone is out to get me, and starting fights over nothing, at the drop of a hat I feel sad, and like crying.. I need to stop these voices that I hear in my head, and teach myself how to not notice them... I need to do a lot of things.. oh yeah, I have a lack of motivation too to go along with all that ;) - so that is a great combo!!!
Ok, on a lighter note, today is my step-sister Sarah's 27th bday (we are 4 days apart) - and she brought Peyton down so we could hold her and love her up today :) - I posted a picture of Jim holding her for the first time on my Flickr - She is adjusting to motherhood really well, and I am so proud of her!!!!
And, as usual... Jim is being great, and putting up with me, and always being nice to me even when I am not nice to him, and I wish I had a gazillion dollars to give him for putting up with me... and still loving me on top of it all.....
It is a bumpy road, but I am sure one of these days I will get a 4 wheel drive, so I can manage :)
Angel Chasse ( again)
I am tired... like the physical kind, from not getting a good night's sleep, and the other kind..
From mind racing, thoughts crashing into one another. Trying to pay attention when someone I love is talking to me, trying to not listen to the voices... trying to not nag at Jim, trying to stay in a good mood. (Failing at those)
It just seems like a siege, a war inside my head, me wanting to read stuff and do stuff, and my mind firing off all these remarks about what a loser I am, and the paranoid thoughts.
Ha, I just thought about something, that if anyone reads this, they will probably think I am crazy... I would like to say I am :) lol -- nah, not schizophrenic, if that is what you are thinking...
But, I have issues.. and they are sometimes a lot to think about, or should I say a lot to try not to think about. Seems every year near my birthday I find myself looking back on my year and wondering how things went, and how things will go from here.
I need to find a new dr, to do my meds, and therapist and stuff.. - guess I will just pull money out of my ear for all of that :)
I just need to stop having mood swings, and feeling like everyone is out to get me, and starting fights over nothing, at the drop of a hat I feel sad, and like crying.. I need to stop these voices that I hear in my head, and teach myself how to not notice them... I need to do a lot of things.. oh yeah, I have a lack of motivation too to go along with all that ;) - so that is a great combo!!!
Ok, on a lighter note, today is my step-sister Sarah's 27th bday (we are 4 days apart) - and she brought Peyton down so we could hold her and love her up today :) - I posted a picture of Jim holding her for the first time on my Flickr - She is adjusting to motherhood really well, and I am so proud of her!!!!
And, as usual... Jim is being great, and putting up with me, and always being nice to me even when I am not nice to him, and I wish I had a gazillion dollars to give him for putting up with me... and still loving me on top of it all.....
It is a bumpy road, but I am sure one of these days I will get a 4 wheel drive, so I can manage :)
Angel Chasse ( again)
7/26/2005
What do I believe?
Wow,
I never thought that the guy that made that movie called "super size me" would bring any thought to my life...
See, when I was younger, like 10 years ago or so, I started going to church.. I went every Sunday. I even went although my parents did not. They did not really find organized religion to be something they were interested in. I went, and one day I broke down, and the pastor spent probably 4-5 hours answering the questions that I had about being Baptist, about being a Christian, about the Bible.. etc etc... I listened, and planned to join the church, become a member... I went for another 4-5 months, and when it came time to join, I chickened out.. something about it did not seem right to me, but to this day I can't put my finger on any one thing.. It just didn't feel right to me, I didn't have all the answers I needed....
So fast forward to last night, watching a show on FX channel, called "30 days" - They were sending a farm boy college graduate from Michigan to live in the Castro District of San Fransico. I take it that the 30 days was to see if his ideas about homosexual men would change.. when he lived at home in Michigan, he felt that homosexuality was biblically wrong, and a sin. He didn't think that homosexual men should serve in the Army reserves with him either....
This kind of brings me to my quandry.....
who is right? Those that take the Bible literally, or those that see it as merely a book of parable stories to keep us doing more right than wrong...
I know that there are parts of the Bible that say a man should not lay with another man.. But, the bible also says eye for an eye - so which parts do you pick out and decide that you are going to live your life by? And, are you supposed to believe that we should treat others badly or outcast them because they sin this way? The way I understood it (might be mistaken) -- is that a sin is a sin is a sin.... they are not ranked from bad to really bad to really really evil....
I guess I don't really feel that I would want to be part of any religion that condemns others for their sex life... I guess I could be described as "confused" -- there are so many other questions that I have... I guess I am not a person who does "blind faith" well....
So Jim's advice for me is to sit down with several different pastors/clergy, and see if now that it is 10 years later, I get any answers I can understand, or better deal with...
I think it is a great idea, except right now I feel like with all that is always goin on in my head, that I could be susceptable to taking someone else's view of what is right and wrong, and adopting it to be my own...
Sometimes I feel that organized religion is simply brainwashing in a simple form....
I mean, you go there, they pick out certain snipets of the bible.. they tell you how to interpret it... and then you base your religion for the most part on what the pastor has told you..
I just really think that it seems wrong to pick and choose.. if you are going to believe that the bible is a writing to be taken literally, you shoudln't be able to pick and choose what parts of it you want to apply to your life... that cant be right.. at least to me...
So, as anyone reading this can probably tell, not only do I hear voices more frequently in my head that are not really there, and not only do I get depressed and pissed off, and suicidal, and crabby and lazy and f#c#ed up.. but now I am not even sure if I believe in God, or if I do ( I think I do) - what role he should play in my life, URGH URGH URGH...
On a side note, I personally think that homosexuality is NOT a CHOICE but something that you are born being --- like.. you either have freckles, or you don't, and you have blue eyes or you don't... and I don't think that ANYONE should be treated badly because of who they choose to spend their life with and love.. .Love is Love.. Kindness is Kindness.. People are People... Jerks are Jerks.. and so on ....
Angel Chasse (again)
I never thought that the guy that made that movie called "super size me" would bring any thought to my life...
See, when I was younger, like 10 years ago or so, I started going to church.. I went every Sunday. I even went although my parents did not. They did not really find organized religion to be something they were interested in. I went, and one day I broke down, and the pastor spent probably 4-5 hours answering the questions that I had about being Baptist, about being a Christian, about the Bible.. etc etc... I listened, and planned to join the church, become a member... I went for another 4-5 months, and when it came time to join, I chickened out.. something about it did not seem right to me, but to this day I can't put my finger on any one thing.. It just didn't feel right to me, I didn't have all the answers I needed....
So fast forward to last night, watching a show on FX channel, called "30 days" - They were sending a farm boy college graduate from Michigan to live in the Castro District of San Fransico. I take it that the 30 days was to see if his ideas about homosexual men would change.. when he lived at home in Michigan, he felt that homosexuality was biblically wrong, and a sin. He didn't think that homosexual men should serve in the Army reserves with him either....
This kind of brings me to my quandry.....
who is right? Those that take the Bible literally, or those that see it as merely a book of parable stories to keep us doing more right than wrong...
I know that there are parts of the Bible that say a man should not lay with another man.. But, the bible also says eye for an eye - so which parts do you pick out and decide that you are going to live your life by? And, are you supposed to believe that we should treat others badly or outcast them because they sin this way? The way I understood it (might be mistaken) -- is that a sin is a sin is a sin.... they are not ranked from bad to really bad to really really evil....
I guess I don't really feel that I would want to be part of any religion that condemns others for their sex life... I guess I could be described as "confused" -- there are so many other questions that I have... I guess I am not a person who does "blind faith" well....
So Jim's advice for me is to sit down with several different pastors/clergy, and see if now that it is 10 years later, I get any answers I can understand, or better deal with...
I think it is a great idea, except right now I feel like with all that is always goin on in my head, that I could be susceptable to taking someone else's view of what is right and wrong, and adopting it to be my own...
Sometimes I feel that organized religion is simply brainwashing in a simple form....
I mean, you go there, they pick out certain snipets of the bible.. they tell you how to interpret it... and then you base your religion for the most part on what the pastor has told you..
I just really think that it seems wrong to pick and choose.. if you are going to believe that the bible is a writing to be taken literally, you shoudln't be able to pick and choose what parts of it you want to apply to your life... that cant be right.. at least to me...
So, as anyone reading this can probably tell, not only do I hear voices more frequently in my head that are not really there, and not only do I get depressed and pissed off, and suicidal, and crabby and lazy and f#c#ed up.. but now I am not even sure if I believe in God, or if I do ( I think I do) - what role he should play in my life, URGH URGH URGH...
On a side note, I personally think that homosexuality is NOT a CHOICE but something that you are born being --- like.. you either have freckles, or you don't, and you have blue eyes or you don't... and I don't think that ANYONE should be treated badly because of who they choose to spend their life with and love.. .Love is Love.. Kindness is Kindness.. People are People... Jerks are Jerks.. and so on ....
Angel Chasse (again)
7/22/2005
A baby is born into the world...
So.. picture it, Sicily (ok, that is Golden Girls)
Tuesday night, my mom calls me about 10 after ten... she says that Larry called. He and Sarah are going to the hospital, contractions every 6 minutes. My mom asks him to give a call back once they are checked in at the hospital, so that we know for sure "it's time" - and not "first time mom's false alarm" -- so I am elated. She asks " are you going to ride with us and go to see Sarah?" ------ DUH MOM --------- Hello!!!!!! It's ME!!!
So I get dressed, probably smile plastered from ear to ear :) - Jim reminds me that I might have wanted to wait to put jeans and etc on, it may be a false alarm. I was hot in the apt, yes, but I knew that it would be cold at the hospital. So I am dressed, excited, and ready to go :) --- Then, I wait... and wait, and wait.. and finally it's midnight, and no call back, and I can't get ahold of sarah.. so I call my mom and dad... now.. in our family we don't make late night phone calls.. my parents work early in the morning, so they go to bed early.. anyway, I call and my dad picks up on the first ring.. strange ... but he says he hasn't heard anything.. and asks if I have called Sarah's cell... DUH again.. yah, I called about 6 times :) -- so finally I get the main # to the hospital up there, and the nurse gives me the room # ... I call.. no answer... -- finally I get the RIGHT room # and Sarah's mom picks up, says she is in some pain, and is getting medicine, and that the Dr said "the baby will be here today, but I can't say what time" - she thinks we could wait until morning to make the trip.... I call my dad, relay that info, and hang up... then I go to bed, with the phone on my nightstand.. about 20 mins later, Larry calls, said he didn't want to forget to call me, and that he just talked to my dad, and that he got the impression we were going to be on our way... I wish him luck :):) -- hang up with him and call my dad back, they are indeed coming to pick me up - mom's already on her way... I kiss Jimbo goodbye, and run off to catch my ride.. we stop to get some coffee (as it is about 1:20 am :) -- and I tell the convienience store clerk that we are on "baby patrol" and that I am going to be an aunt :) -- he looks unimpressed, but he plays along, wishing us a good safe trip. -- so we get on the road, and start seeing lightning almost the instant we get on the interstate.. It's 85 miles, all interstate, all 75 mph speed limit from Sioux City *where I live now* to Sioux Falls *where Sarah lives* -- so we get going, and about 30 mins into the drive the lightning gives way to rain, hard hard flooding type rain, and then some stiff wind to go along with it. We slow down dramatically, and mom manages to keep us on the road and get us there safely :) -- I on the other hand, almost didn't make it to the hospital, per I drank my entire 20oz of coffee on the trip, and desparately needed a bathroom... its almost 3am and nothing is open.. so they drop me off in front of the hospital, I find a bathroom, and they park... Its a big maze to get to Sarah's room, but we finally get in there about 3am or so....
Sarah is sore, having "back labor" and is just trying to rest (ya right) When we got there, she had just finished trying the whirlpool to see if it would help.. it didn't -- Larry and the nurses are doing their best to rub her back and keep her comfortable. We just visited with Sarah and her mom, and chatted for about an hour, then they said that Sarah could have an epidural, so we went to the waiting room. When we got to the waiting room, another storm must have been coming through, really pounding those raindrops into the glass of the windows... I think everyone tried to just get some rest in the chairs while we were waiting.. I was a little to excited to think of sleeping though.. so I just sat and talked with mom off and on, and watched the hubbub that is a busy maternity ward (the nurse told us that all rooms were full that night on labor and delivery) -- finally about 7am we went back into the room with Sarah. Larry explained that they had done one epidural, it didn't work, so they did a second, and between, they tried to keep the room empty so Sarah could rest.. turns out she didn't get much rest, but maybe an hour she said.
So about 8:15 they say it is time that she can start pushing, but they want to do a trial push first to see if she has the hang of what to do etc... My mom and her mom and Larry all there to help her, and she pushes - does great, just what they want to see .. uh oh, she feels very nauseous now, and needs to throw up... the nurses tell her to go ahead .. they say something to her that is funny to me.. I keep thinking about it .. they say " puking is worth about 20 pushes anyway dear" -- lol -- ok, I had never heard of this.. it must be what they DON'T tell you on the baby shows on tv :) --- well, anyway, she gets sick for a few minutes... then her dr comes in and the nurse and the dr are kind of talking and they ask Sarah to lay on her side.. they are looking at something, but we all are not sure what... then they tell her that " the baby didn't like you sitting up like that for so long when you were sick, and her heartrate is down.." so they move her a bit from side to side, and finally find a side that normalizes baby.. they also put oxygen on Sarah... she got mad that the oxygen smelled like plastic, she said it was making her more nauseous.... when the nurse told her that the oxygen is for the baby and not for her, I never heard her complain again about it.. Maybe they should have told her about that from the start.... so now it's about 9:30 and baby is doing better, and they want to try some more pushing... there were a lot more pushes, but not a lot of progress, so they let Sarah rest again. I don't remember much from this time until about 12noon but basically it went... push until you can't handle it anymore, and then take a break cuz baby doesn't like the pushing, and then check again to see if the baby is down far enough, (it wasn't) and then try some more pushing... About noon Sarah's Dr came in and said that she was bringing a specialist in, because the baby keeps having times of stress, and is not down far enough for her regular doctor to just try to help get her out.. they would need a vaccuum to help, or forceps... we were all very worried at this point, as we could see that Sarah had been pushing at this point for 4 hours, probably 3 of it actually hard hard work, and some rest time in there... she was tired, but never really got short with anyone, and didn't show any signs of giving up... she knew the baby needed to come out now, and she was determined to make that happen... so about 12:40 the specialist comes in, and brings with her a team of people.. they all set up, and let Sarah know it is going to be forceps, and it's going to go like this... You push as hard as you ever will in your entire life, and I will pull at the same time, just as hard....
Now, this is the part where I think things were most intense... I knew forceps were used frequently, it wasn't a rare thing, but basically the Dr told Sarah, "I'm either getting her out with this pull, or you are going to have to have a c section.... " -- so we knew the time for "wait and see" was up now.... Once that team was in place and sterile, Sarah gave a huge push, the Dr braced herself against the bed and pulled like it looked like she was going to fly back across the room. At the same time, the dr yelled to the nurse haunched below her to "cut now" -- yup.. not only did Sarah give birth, but she go to get a ton of stitches afterward, while everyone else was getting to enjoy Payton. Payton was born at 12:49 PM Wednesday July 20th 2005 - She weighed 6lbs 7 ozs
I haven't ever been in the room when a baby was being born before. I think I felt things I have never felt before, and this was just my niece, not even my own baby... I have watched a ton of shows where they show you the mom giving birth, but until you are there, and actually see how warn out they are, and how they just keep going, and how Sarah hardly complained.. it was truly miraculous to me to be in that room, sometimes just watching, sometimes holding a leg while she pushed, trying to encourage to push harder keep going.. you can do it... -- I don't know how much of this experience minute by minute Sarah will remember, because she is in a whirlwind, now with a new baby to feed and care for and love at home, but I think I will remember it for the rest of my life. I really feel like I should thank Sarah for letting me be a part of such a personal, wonderful experience... I probably won't tell her though, cuz I'm the emotional gushy one, and she isn't -- so she'd prolly say I was being lame :) :) Gotta love sisters :)
For those playing at home, here are the characters in this story
The people who live in Sioux Falls,
Sarah S - My step sister ( Her mom is Cindy, and her dad is Steve (my step dad) )
Larry C - Sarah's boyfriend, Payton's Dad
Cindy S - Sarah's Mom
People that live in Sioux City,
Steve S - Sarah's Dad ( My step dad)
Gayla S - My mom (Sarah's step mom)
Me - New aunt to Payton :)
Tuesday night, my mom calls me about 10 after ten... she says that Larry called. He and Sarah are going to the hospital, contractions every 6 minutes. My mom asks him to give a call back once they are checked in at the hospital, so that we know for sure "it's time" - and not "first time mom's false alarm" -- so I am elated. She asks " are you going to ride with us and go to see Sarah?" ------ DUH MOM --------- Hello!!!!!! It's ME!!!
So I get dressed, probably smile plastered from ear to ear :) - Jim reminds me that I might have wanted to wait to put jeans and etc on, it may be a false alarm. I was hot in the apt, yes, but I knew that it would be cold at the hospital. So I am dressed, excited, and ready to go :) --- Then, I wait... and wait, and wait.. and finally it's midnight, and no call back, and I can't get ahold of sarah.. so I call my mom and dad... now.. in our family we don't make late night phone calls.. my parents work early in the morning, so they go to bed early.. anyway, I call and my dad picks up on the first ring.. strange ... but he says he hasn't heard anything.. and asks if I have called Sarah's cell... DUH again.. yah, I called about 6 times :) -- so finally I get the main # to the hospital up there, and the nurse gives me the room # ... I call.. no answer... -- finally I get the RIGHT room # and Sarah's mom picks up, says she is in some pain, and is getting medicine, and that the Dr said "the baby will be here today, but I can't say what time" - she thinks we could wait until morning to make the trip.... I call my dad, relay that info, and hang up... then I go to bed, with the phone on my nightstand.. about 20 mins later, Larry calls, said he didn't want to forget to call me, and that he just talked to my dad, and that he got the impression we were going to be on our way... I wish him luck :):) -- hang up with him and call my dad back, they are indeed coming to pick me up - mom's already on her way... I kiss Jimbo goodbye, and run off to catch my ride.. we stop to get some coffee (as it is about 1:20 am :) -- and I tell the convienience store clerk that we are on "baby patrol" and that I am going to be an aunt :) -- he looks unimpressed, but he plays along, wishing us a good safe trip. -- so we get on the road, and start seeing lightning almost the instant we get on the interstate.. It's 85 miles, all interstate, all 75 mph speed limit from Sioux City *where I live now* to Sioux Falls *where Sarah lives* -- so we get going, and about 30 mins into the drive the lightning gives way to rain, hard hard flooding type rain, and then some stiff wind to go along with it. We slow down dramatically, and mom manages to keep us on the road and get us there safely :) -- I on the other hand, almost didn't make it to the hospital, per I drank my entire 20oz of coffee on the trip, and desparately needed a bathroom... its almost 3am and nothing is open.. so they drop me off in front of the hospital, I find a bathroom, and they park... Its a big maze to get to Sarah's room, but we finally get in there about 3am or so....
Sarah is sore, having "back labor" and is just trying to rest (ya right) When we got there, she had just finished trying the whirlpool to see if it would help.. it didn't -- Larry and the nurses are doing their best to rub her back and keep her comfortable. We just visited with Sarah and her mom, and chatted for about an hour, then they said that Sarah could have an epidural, so we went to the waiting room. When we got to the waiting room, another storm must have been coming through, really pounding those raindrops into the glass of the windows... I think everyone tried to just get some rest in the chairs while we were waiting.. I was a little to excited to think of sleeping though.. so I just sat and talked with mom off and on, and watched the hubbub that is a busy maternity ward (the nurse told us that all rooms were full that night on labor and delivery) -- finally about 7am we went back into the room with Sarah. Larry explained that they had done one epidural, it didn't work, so they did a second, and between, they tried to keep the room empty so Sarah could rest.. turns out she didn't get much rest, but maybe an hour she said.
So about 8:15 they say it is time that she can start pushing, but they want to do a trial push first to see if she has the hang of what to do etc... My mom and her mom and Larry all there to help her, and she pushes - does great, just what they want to see .. uh oh, she feels very nauseous now, and needs to throw up... the nurses tell her to go ahead .. they say something to her that is funny to me.. I keep thinking about it .. they say " puking is worth about 20 pushes anyway dear" -- lol -- ok, I had never heard of this.. it must be what they DON'T tell you on the baby shows on tv :) --- well, anyway, she gets sick for a few minutes... then her dr comes in and the nurse and the dr are kind of talking and they ask Sarah to lay on her side.. they are looking at something, but we all are not sure what... then they tell her that " the baby didn't like you sitting up like that for so long when you were sick, and her heartrate is down.." so they move her a bit from side to side, and finally find a side that normalizes baby.. they also put oxygen on Sarah... she got mad that the oxygen smelled like plastic, she said it was making her more nauseous.... when the nurse told her that the oxygen is for the baby and not for her, I never heard her complain again about it.. Maybe they should have told her about that from the start.... so now it's about 9:30 and baby is doing better, and they want to try some more pushing... there were a lot more pushes, but not a lot of progress, so they let Sarah rest again. I don't remember much from this time until about 12noon but basically it went... push until you can't handle it anymore, and then take a break cuz baby doesn't like the pushing, and then check again to see if the baby is down far enough, (it wasn't) and then try some more pushing... About noon Sarah's Dr came in and said that she was bringing a specialist in, because the baby keeps having times of stress, and is not down far enough for her regular doctor to just try to help get her out.. they would need a vaccuum to help, or forceps... we were all very worried at this point, as we could see that Sarah had been pushing at this point for 4 hours, probably 3 of it actually hard hard work, and some rest time in there... she was tired, but never really got short with anyone, and didn't show any signs of giving up... she knew the baby needed to come out now, and she was determined to make that happen... so about 12:40 the specialist comes in, and brings with her a team of people.. they all set up, and let Sarah know it is going to be forceps, and it's going to go like this... You push as hard as you ever will in your entire life, and I will pull at the same time, just as hard....
Now, this is the part where I think things were most intense... I knew forceps were used frequently, it wasn't a rare thing, but basically the Dr told Sarah, "I'm either getting her out with this pull, or you are going to have to have a c section.... " -- so we knew the time for "wait and see" was up now.... Once that team was in place and sterile, Sarah gave a huge push, the Dr braced herself against the bed and pulled like it looked like she was going to fly back across the room. At the same time, the dr yelled to the nurse haunched below her to "cut now" -- yup.. not only did Sarah give birth, but she go to get a ton of stitches afterward, while everyone else was getting to enjoy Payton. Payton was born at 12:49 PM Wednesday July 20th 2005 - She weighed 6lbs 7 ozs
I haven't ever been in the room when a baby was being born before. I think I felt things I have never felt before, and this was just my niece, not even my own baby... I have watched a ton of shows where they show you the mom giving birth, but until you are there, and actually see how warn out they are, and how they just keep going, and how Sarah hardly complained.. it was truly miraculous to me to be in that room, sometimes just watching, sometimes holding a leg while she pushed, trying to encourage to push harder keep going.. you can do it... -- I don't know how much of this experience minute by minute Sarah will remember, because she is in a whirlwind, now with a new baby to feed and care for and love at home, but I think I will remember it for the rest of my life. I really feel like I should thank Sarah for letting me be a part of such a personal, wonderful experience... I probably won't tell her though, cuz I'm the emotional gushy one, and she isn't -- so she'd prolly say I was being lame :) :) Gotta love sisters :)
For those playing at home, here are the characters in this story
The people who live in Sioux Falls,
Sarah S - My step sister ( Her mom is Cindy, and her dad is Steve (my step dad) )
Larry C - Sarah's boyfriend, Payton's Dad
Cindy S - Sarah's Mom
People that live in Sioux City,
Steve S - Sarah's Dad ( My step dad)
Gayla S - My mom (Sarah's step mom)
Me - New aunt to Payton :)
7/18/2005
Wrong again...
I was wrong. Sarah called. She's been busy, and sleeping a ton, and was calling my mom and giving her info cuz she knew that it isn't that good for me to watch a lot of baby shows etc.. so she figured that calling me and filling me in on every detail of her pregnancy wasn't good for me either... so once again, I get all paranoid and freaked out and upset, and it is nothing... well, in this case.. it was someone's attempt to help ME by not giving me the details...
anyway, we talked for almost 2 hrs, and I am all filled in ;) - I am still not sure what to get the little one, but we will think of something cool I am sure :)
It is nice here today..... yup, I said NICE... didn't even have to pull out the words like "hot as hell" or "muggy" or "wet" or ICK --- lol -- finally a cold front goes through and does what it should... cools us off!!!
Angel Chasse (again)
anyway, we talked for almost 2 hrs, and I am all filled in ;) - I am still not sure what to get the little one, but we will think of something cool I am sure :)
It is nice here today..... yup, I said NICE... didn't even have to pull out the words like "hot as hell" or "muggy" or "wet" or ICK --- lol -- finally a cold front goes through and does what it should... cools us off!!!
Angel Chasse (again)
7/17/2005
Guess what I did?
That's right..
*I* got to hold a newborn baby girl.. 3 days old :)
Our upstairs neighbor had her baby Wednesday. I held the little one, and she is very cute of course, and smelled like a baby :) -- and when I held her she stopped crying... (fluke I am sure, but I'll take it ) -- and then I fed her a bit of her bottle. What a sweety. Made my day really.
In other baby news, my step-sister is getting very close to having the baby. She is dialated to
3-4 cm, but not at the hospital.. they are giving her until Thursday, and if she hasn't started contracting more and such, they will induce her. I kind of hope they don' t have to give her the pitocin or anything, cuz I hear that can sometimes make the contractions much more painful. The lady upstairs got to the hospital and had the baby within an hour's time. She had the epidural, and said that nothing really hurt. I hope that things can go that well for Sarah :)
She has an infection a bit though, so she has to do some stuff with some antibiotics, to make sure that the baby has a safe clean place to land ;) lol
Again with my issues. My sister called Wednesday, said she would call back that night. She didn't call. She called my mom on like Thurs night.. gave my mom the lowdown. Again didn't call me. I called her a total of 8 times now, letting her know I was anxious to hear from her, and when I would be around etc. I know know know that she is busy, much busier than I am, and that she is preparing for the arrival of her baby... I get all of that.. but there is a part of me that definitely thinks that this is her way of paying me back because she is upset that we moved to Sioux City (85 miles south) right before she was going to have the baby. Initially I thought it sounded like she wasn't ever going to have me babysit anyway, cuz her so's side of the family is big, and in town, and her mom is in town.. so I figured she wouldn't have me watch the baby unless absolutely everyone was busy. (She is a bit.. well.. I don't know, snobby maybe?) -- so anyway, before we moved, I told her to bring the baby anytime, and she said ok... I didn't think anything of it. Well, when we decided we were moving down here for sure, and told her about it she was upset. So, I guess maybe we didn't know it but she had counted on us babysitting a lot more often.... so now I feel bad about that. And I do wish I was just a trip across town so that I would get to see my (probably) niece often... but you know, we have to do what is right for our family (me, jim, leo) -- so... anyway.. I wish if she WAS upset with me, she would just say it. Just come out and say. I was really counting on you, and now I am hurt that you moved away... but she would never just say that.. evidently she just won't talk to me anymore...?? -- anyway, I called her again today (this time from my moms cell - free minutes) - and she picked up -- and said she was really busy shopping and she would call me at home tonight... so again, I will wait for the phone to ring, so I can chalk it up to I overreacted, and she was very busy.. but I really really feel like she is upset that we moved, and this is how she is going to show it --- Which makes me very sad. I happen to think that I would make a great aunt. But, I guess time will tell.
Anyway, I think I am less cranky now, and I don't know what was up the last week or so. I just felt icky. Just kind of like I hated living in this town cuz Jim is always gone, so I either do nothing, or do things with my mom. Now, don't get me wrong, I love love love spending time with my mom, and would have no problem with doing that every day.. but she isn't the same as my husband, you know what I mean? Ok, I think this is getting too long now... but I just wanted to share all of that :)
Angel Chasse (again)
*I* got to hold a newborn baby girl.. 3 days old :)
Our upstairs neighbor had her baby Wednesday. I held the little one, and she is very cute of course, and smelled like a baby :) -- and when I held her she stopped crying... (fluke I am sure, but I'll take it ) -- and then I fed her a bit of her bottle. What a sweety. Made my day really.
In other baby news, my step-sister is getting very close to having the baby. She is dialated to
3-4 cm, but not at the hospital.. they are giving her until Thursday, and if she hasn't started contracting more and such, they will induce her. I kind of hope they don' t have to give her the pitocin or anything, cuz I hear that can sometimes make the contractions much more painful. The lady upstairs got to the hospital and had the baby within an hour's time. She had the epidural, and said that nothing really hurt. I hope that things can go that well for Sarah :)
She has an infection a bit though, so she has to do some stuff with some antibiotics, to make sure that the baby has a safe clean place to land ;) lol
Again with my issues. My sister called Wednesday, said she would call back that night. She didn't call. She called my mom on like Thurs night.. gave my mom the lowdown. Again didn't call me. I called her a total of 8 times now, letting her know I was anxious to hear from her, and when I would be around etc. I know know know that she is busy, much busier than I am, and that she is preparing for the arrival of her baby... I get all of that.. but there is a part of me that definitely thinks that this is her way of paying me back because she is upset that we moved to Sioux City (85 miles south) right before she was going to have the baby. Initially I thought it sounded like she wasn't ever going to have me babysit anyway, cuz her so's side of the family is big, and in town, and her mom is in town.. so I figured she wouldn't have me watch the baby unless absolutely everyone was busy. (She is a bit.. well.. I don't know, snobby maybe?) -- so anyway, before we moved, I told her to bring the baby anytime, and she said ok... I didn't think anything of it. Well, when we decided we were moving down here for sure, and told her about it she was upset. So, I guess maybe we didn't know it but she had counted on us babysitting a lot more often.... so now I feel bad about that. And I do wish I was just a trip across town so that I would get to see my (probably) niece often... but you know, we have to do what is right for our family (me, jim, leo) -- so... anyway.. I wish if she WAS upset with me, she would just say it. Just come out and say. I was really counting on you, and now I am hurt that you moved away... but she would never just say that.. evidently she just won't talk to me anymore...?? -- anyway, I called her again today (this time from my moms cell - free minutes) - and she picked up -- and said she was really busy shopping and she would call me at home tonight... so again, I will wait for the phone to ring, so I can chalk it up to I overreacted, and she was very busy.. but I really really feel like she is upset that we moved, and this is how she is going to show it --- Which makes me very sad. I happen to think that I would make a great aunt. But, I guess time will tell.
Anyway, I think I am less cranky now, and I don't know what was up the last week or so. I just felt icky. Just kind of like I hated living in this town cuz Jim is always gone, so I either do nothing, or do things with my mom. Now, don't get me wrong, I love love love spending time with my mom, and would have no problem with doing that every day.. but she isn't the same as my husband, you know what I mean? Ok, I think this is getting too long now... but I just wanted to share all of that :)
Angel Chasse (again)
7/14/2005
Nothing much...
I don't have a lot to say, I just want to make it a habit to keep this blog up. It seems if I don't blog for a week or more, I forget the things that I want to talk about... LOL ...
Sunburn is mostly over, except the part at the top of my arms, where the arms meet the torso. Graphic explanation I know.. lol.. but I sleep on my side... almost exclusively.. how do I know this? Because I can't hardly sleep now that I can't lay that way. Urgh.. Damn the sun Damn the sun!!
I have a ton of shows I love to watch now.
Strong Medicine ( Lifetime ) 3pm every day they just showed last year's season, and now they started over with the first season - so I will get to catch up ;)
The Nanny (Lifetime) 4-5pm and 11-12pm and 10am etc.. on all the time.. I never really liked this when it was on tv, but now that it is in reruns, I like it a lot.
Of course, I am addicted just like I always have been, to food tv .. Rachael Ray is my favorite :)
Let's see.. now I like the CSI's as well, and I love that House MD show on Fox
That about does it for tv shows I am wild about.. :):)
What else is going on with me? Not a lot. I am excited to see my new (probably) niece, or nephew.. Sarah is due at the end of this month. I am really excited, but at the same time, very nervous, cuz she doesn't call me (I blogged about this before..) - Well, I take that back, she did call yesterday and said she would call back last night. She hasn't called.. but I guess she is probably much more busy than I am. I guess that is something I need to get used to. That I am never really busy, and most everyone else I know is very busy.
I also need to get over being cranky. I know it is nothing that Jim is doing that is different than usual but lately, I just feel like I am so naggy, but I can't not be that way.. It is ticking me off to have to go around every day 2 or 3 times a day to pick up after him. It's little things, and I know that he works and I don't, so I should be doing it happily, but it's not really the picking up, its more that I feel like he doesn't have even enough respect for me to keep things nice, or that he only cares about being on his computer or ipaq, or working, and doesn't have the "time" to be picking stuff up. I mean, its just stuff, that needs to be cleaned, or done, or picked up off the floor.. or I don't know.. I just have issues. I keep thinking that he doesn't have to really "care" about housecleaning and crap, but he should care, that if he leaves wet towels around.. that they don't pick themselves up, that "I" have to do it.. again, not that big of a deal. Little stuff. But seeeeeee.... this all goes back to the thing that I have --- I take everything so personally. Like, it can't be that Jim doesn't care about how clean the house is... it has to be that he doesn't want to do it so that I will have to do it.. and that he doesn't care about what I do here when he is gone etc.... see see see... ISSUES..... so, again, I am not a freak about cleanliness, our house is picked up most times at best best best.... so.. it't not like that... but... I keep nagging him about it, and getting upset over little things.. ick ick ick ick ... I gotta get over this crapola!!!!!!!!
Angel Chasse (again)
Sunburn is mostly over, except the part at the top of my arms, where the arms meet the torso. Graphic explanation I know.. lol.. but I sleep on my side... almost exclusively.. how do I know this? Because I can't hardly sleep now that I can't lay that way. Urgh.. Damn the sun Damn the sun!!
I have a ton of shows I love to watch now.
Strong Medicine ( Lifetime ) 3pm every day they just showed last year's season, and now they started over with the first season - so I will get to catch up ;)
The Nanny (Lifetime) 4-5pm and 11-12pm and 10am etc.. on all the time.. I never really liked this when it was on tv, but now that it is in reruns, I like it a lot.
Of course, I am addicted just like I always have been, to food tv .. Rachael Ray is my favorite :)
Let's see.. now I like the CSI's as well, and I love that House MD show on Fox
That about does it for tv shows I am wild about.. :):)
What else is going on with me? Not a lot. I am excited to see my new (probably) niece, or nephew.. Sarah is due at the end of this month. I am really excited, but at the same time, very nervous, cuz she doesn't call me (I blogged about this before..) - Well, I take that back, she did call yesterday and said she would call back last night. She hasn't called.. but I guess she is probably much more busy than I am. I guess that is something I need to get used to. That I am never really busy, and most everyone else I know is very busy.
I also need to get over being cranky. I know it is nothing that Jim is doing that is different than usual but lately, I just feel like I am so naggy, but I can't not be that way.. It is ticking me off to have to go around every day 2 or 3 times a day to pick up after him. It's little things, and I know that he works and I don't, so I should be doing it happily, but it's not really the picking up, its more that I feel like he doesn't have even enough respect for me to keep things nice, or that he only cares about being on his computer or ipaq, or working, and doesn't have the "time" to be picking stuff up. I mean, its just stuff, that needs to be cleaned, or done, or picked up off the floor.. or I don't know.. I just have issues. I keep thinking that he doesn't have to really "care" about housecleaning and crap, but he should care, that if he leaves wet towels around.. that they don't pick themselves up, that "I" have to do it.. again, not that big of a deal. Little stuff. But seeeeeee.... this all goes back to the thing that I have --- I take everything so personally. Like, it can't be that Jim doesn't care about how clean the house is... it has to be that he doesn't want to do it so that I will have to do it.. and that he doesn't care about what I do here when he is gone etc.... see see see... ISSUES..... so, again, I am not a freak about cleanliness, our house is picked up most times at best best best.... so.. it't not like that... but... I keep nagging him about it, and getting upset over little things.. ick ick ick ick ... I gotta get over this crapola!!!!!!!!
Angel Chasse (again)
7/11/2005
Sunburned...again
I am not a sun lover. I am not a summer lover. I am a fall/winter girl.. I always look at it this way... It is easier for me to warm up with a blankie or hot drink than it is for me to cool down. There are only so many clothes that you can take off. Now, I am a big girl, to say the least, and I hate wearing shorts in public. I just do. This summer though, I have been wearing them a ton, cuz the A/C that we have in our house isn't powerful enough for the whole place, so it is always somewhat warm in here on the hot hot days *which have been many* -- so I threw " I look like a beached whale in shorts" aside, and have been wearing them all summer :)
Yesterday went to a car show with my mom.. I won't get into it much, other than to say that my mom's little truck won first in it's class, and I am badly sunburned. Jim told me.. that this would happen. But honestly, we would move into the shade whenever the shade moved, we moved.. but... towards the end of our day outside, there was no more shade.. so... not much sleep last night for me. I hate that. I need a lot of sleep. I just do. So for me getting like 2 hrs is like not having slept at all.. I have full faith that my very normal capable amazing husband can do life on 2 hrs sleep, but I can't. And I am sore... so I wanted to update my blog, and then I am going back to the chair that I have been in all day.
Our landlord came to put down some spray today for spiders and bugs in general, so the cat is locked in the bedroom, where the A/C is.. and will be that way for another hour.. but it is making the rest of the apartment hotter than usual. Plus, I am radiating a lot of heat myself, so that does not help much ;) " Is it me, or is it hot in here??" LOL
I am going to buy some Mary Kay lip gloss. Now, I am the least girly person anyone has probably ever met... but, I have convinced myself (I think) that if I do little things to dress up more, or feel "pretty" or what ever, that I wll feel good about myself. I don't know that it will work, and I don't like that there is shoping and buying things involved in it.. but we will see.. I can not wait til winter is here... We don't have a bathtub in this apt.. shower only, but my mom has a house with 3 bathrooms now, that means 3 tubs... and I will be taking baths over there, I have warned her of this already :) -- I love my mom, and I really love spending all the time with her that I have been spending.. but it doesn't make up for the fact that Jim has gone back to work, and I miss him a LOT when he is gone... don't know why I can't just get over that one.. but it is prolly cuz before when he worked full time, so did I.. so I didn't have as much time to miss him.... anyway this is getting long and rambly now, so I am going to go and find a movie or a show to watch :)
PS - My mom gave me a copy of tim mcgraw's "live like you were dying" cd. I like a lot of the songs on it. One thing I didn't know though, was that he doesn't write his own music.. that kind of bummed me out, but I still think he is a good singer I guess :)
Angel Chasse (again)
Yesterday went to a car show with my mom.. I won't get into it much, other than to say that my mom's little truck won first in it's class, and I am badly sunburned. Jim told me.. that this would happen. But honestly, we would move into the shade whenever the shade moved, we moved.. but... towards the end of our day outside, there was no more shade.. so... not much sleep last night for me. I hate that. I need a lot of sleep. I just do. So for me getting like 2 hrs is like not having slept at all.. I have full faith that my very normal capable amazing husband can do life on 2 hrs sleep, but I can't. And I am sore... so I wanted to update my blog, and then I am going back to the chair that I have been in all day.
Our landlord came to put down some spray today for spiders and bugs in general, so the cat is locked in the bedroom, where the A/C is.. and will be that way for another hour.. but it is making the rest of the apartment hotter than usual. Plus, I am radiating a lot of heat myself, so that does not help much ;) " Is it me, or is it hot in here??" LOL
I am going to buy some Mary Kay lip gloss. Now, I am the least girly person anyone has probably ever met... but, I have convinced myself (I think) that if I do little things to dress up more, or feel "pretty" or what ever, that I wll feel good about myself. I don't know that it will work, and I don't like that there is shoping and buying things involved in it.. but we will see.. I can not wait til winter is here... We don't have a bathtub in this apt.. shower only, but my mom has a house with 3 bathrooms now, that means 3 tubs... and I will be taking baths over there, I have warned her of this already :) -- I love my mom, and I really love spending all the time with her that I have been spending.. but it doesn't make up for the fact that Jim has gone back to work, and I miss him a LOT when he is gone... don't know why I can't just get over that one.. but it is prolly cuz before when he worked full time, so did I.. so I didn't have as much time to miss him.... anyway this is getting long and rambly now, so I am going to go and find a movie or a show to watch :)
PS - My mom gave me a copy of tim mcgraw's "live like you were dying" cd. I like a lot of the songs on it. One thing I didn't know though, was that he doesn't write his own music.. that kind of bummed me out, but I still think he is a good singer I guess :)
Angel Chasse (again)
7/07/2005
Terrorism
What is this world coming to? Waking up and turning on the news channel is not that great anymore. Not for me anyway. How do people hear all of this going on with the world and not feel overwhelmed with hopelessness and 'why why why'
I feel so bad for the people of London.. I mean holy cats, you are on the subway, or on a double decker bus, probably going to work for the day.. and whammo -- some extremist group somewhere trying to make their point blows you up.... what the heck is that? My prayers are with you.
Is there not any other way to get a point across, short of making sure some humans that share your planet with you are murdered? Is the world living with a fear in the back of their minds a GOOD thing to you people? I mean, holy crap. I know I have my issues, anyone who knows me knows the same, but how the heck do people rationalize killing other people for no other reason than to make a point, or to strike fear? I don't get it.
I also don't know what the correct balance is. Sometimes I think that I need to never ever watch the news again, and be ignorant to anything going on, because I get upset and have so many feelings about what I do hear and see is going on in the world. But, I can't seem to do that, because I don't want to be ignorant, or ignore things going on around me. But how do people continue to go on, day after day, when all that seems to be on the news is bad news, about people with evil in their hearts and minds... child abduction and abuses... terrorism... murder... corporate corruption.... war agreed to and allowed -- on a preface that we had facts.. when really we had lies, fabrications, and exaggerations... I don't know.. I am not a church going person, but I imagine (and the hubby even brought it up) that in these times, many Christian groups have to be thinking that the end times are coming.... geesh.... I know, I know.. I need to chill, and calm down, and focus on the positive......... I wish it was as easy as saying those words...
Take care everyone who might be reading this
Angel Chasse (again)
I feel so bad for the people of London.. I mean holy cats, you are on the subway, or on a double decker bus, probably going to work for the day.. and whammo -- some extremist group somewhere trying to make their point blows you up.... what the heck is that? My prayers are with you.
Is there not any other way to get a point across, short of making sure some humans that share your planet with you are murdered? Is the world living with a fear in the back of their minds a GOOD thing to you people? I mean, holy crap. I know I have my issues, anyone who knows me knows the same, but how the heck do people rationalize killing other people for no other reason than to make a point, or to strike fear? I don't get it.
I also don't know what the correct balance is. Sometimes I think that I need to never ever watch the news again, and be ignorant to anything going on, because I get upset and have so many feelings about what I do hear and see is going on in the world. But, I can't seem to do that, because I don't want to be ignorant, or ignore things going on around me. But how do people continue to go on, day after day, when all that seems to be on the news is bad news, about people with evil in their hearts and minds... child abduction and abuses... terrorism... murder... corporate corruption.... war agreed to and allowed -- on a preface that we had facts.. when really we had lies, fabrications, and exaggerations... I don't know.. I am not a church going person, but I imagine (and the hubby even brought it up) that in these times, many Christian groups have to be thinking that the end times are coming.... geesh.... I know, I know.. I need to chill, and calm down, and focus on the positive......... I wish it was as easy as saying those words...
Take care everyone who might be reading this
Angel Chasse (again)
7/06/2005
July 6th 2005....
Three things come to mind about today's date.
1. Tristan (Our Nephew) - It's his 12th birthday today
2. George W Bush - Tristan shares his birthday with our president.. Lucky him (/sarcasm)
3. Cruise day! Not Tommy... No, rfamily cruise starts soon!! :) Next year they are going up the west coast from Seattle (I think) and going through Alaska.. I hope that Rosie and her family and all of those cruisers have a WONDERFUL time... but something tells me that they will :)
Jim is gone all day today - 11am to 7pm. At the McJob - I McMiss him :)
I need to make some phone calls, my sister, and Tristan. I want to call my sister, and hope she is doing well, and everything is going along ok with the pregnancy. It won't be long til I have a new little nephew or niece. Which reminds me, we had better pick out a unique and cool baby gift. Anyone with ideas on baby gifts, you'll have to enlighten me ;) -- but here is my deal. I don't know WHY I have to be like this.. but I am ... now.. we don't have long distance on our phone. So we have to have a phone card to call anyone out of town. Not a big deal. But Sarah has really only called me once since I moved here more than a month ago. I know that she is probably way more busy than I am, so I get that. But, she does have free minutes on her cell phone every night, and every weekend, and I know that when she works, she used to call me cuz she would get bored. I wonder if she isn't a little mad at me since we moved here right before she is going to have the baby. But, we did have good reason to move here, for Jim's school. I guess I put off telling her cuz I knew that she would be upset and I was trying to avoid her getting upset with me... but anyway.. I wonder how much she would actually bring over the baby for me to babysit anyway.. I know in her mind, my things, and my life does not quite measure up to her standards. I need to stop letting stupid stuff like this get to me, but I sure can't.. urgh.. anyway, I love Sarah, and I will love my new nephew or niece more than you can probably imagine, and I will be there for her any time and any way that I can. I fool myself sometimes into thinking that I would be useful to other people. I don't know why I do that, because when it comes down to it, no one needs me or depends on me for anything... ok.. sounds dramatic. I know that Jim loves me, and he wants me in his life, and my family loves me too. But when it comes down to it, I don't do anything for them. You know, how in most families, you have one person that is always there for cooking, or the one who does baking, or the one who organizes all the family get togethers, or the one who keeps everyone informed, or the one who is the emotional support, or the one who is... well, I don't know how to say it.. but I am not any of those helper people to my family. I just show up, visit, eat, clean up, leave... I don't know. I suppose I am just complaining.
Maybe it is this dumb summer chest cold. It feels like I have tiny little baby lungs, cuz when I take a big breath, it hurts like heck... It will go away soon :) And, Jim has the next 2 days off after today :) that is coooooool :) I guess I am done complaining for today. If you took the time to read this, here is some chocolate as payment :):):)
Angel Chasse (again)
1. Tristan (Our Nephew) - It's his 12th birthday today
2. George W Bush - Tristan shares his birthday with our president.. Lucky him (/sarcasm)
3. Cruise day! Not Tommy... No, rfamily cruise starts soon!! :) Next year they are going up the west coast from Seattle (I think) and going through Alaska.. I hope that Rosie and her family and all of those cruisers have a WONDERFUL time... but something tells me that they will :)
Jim is gone all day today - 11am to 7pm. At the McJob - I McMiss him :)
I need to make some phone calls, my sister, and Tristan. I want to call my sister, and hope she is doing well, and everything is going along ok with the pregnancy. It won't be long til I have a new little nephew or niece. Which reminds me, we had better pick out a unique and cool baby gift. Anyone with ideas on baby gifts, you'll have to enlighten me ;) -- but here is my deal. I don't know WHY I have to be like this.. but I am ... now.. we don't have long distance on our phone. So we have to have a phone card to call anyone out of town. Not a big deal. But Sarah has really only called me once since I moved here more than a month ago. I know that she is probably way more busy than I am, so I get that. But, she does have free minutes on her cell phone every night, and every weekend, and I know that when she works, she used to call me cuz she would get bored. I wonder if she isn't a little mad at me since we moved here right before she is going to have the baby. But, we did have good reason to move here, for Jim's school. I guess I put off telling her cuz I knew that she would be upset and I was trying to avoid her getting upset with me... but anyway.. I wonder how much she would actually bring over the baby for me to babysit anyway.. I know in her mind, my things, and my life does not quite measure up to her standards. I need to stop letting stupid stuff like this get to me, but I sure can't.. urgh.. anyway, I love Sarah, and I will love my new nephew or niece more than you can probably imagine, and I will be there for her any time and any way that I can. I fool myself sometimes into thinking that I would be useful to other people. I don't know why I do that, because when it comes down to it, no one needs me or depends on me for anything... ok.. sounds dramatic. I know that Jim loves me, and he wants me in his life, and my family loves me too. But when it comes down to it, I don't do anything for them. You know, how in most families, you have one person that is always there for cooking, or the one who does baking, or the one who organizes all the family get togethers, or the one who keeps everyone informed, or the one who is the emotional support, or the one who is... well, I don't know how to say it.. but I am not any of those helper people to my family. I just show up, visit, eat, clean up, leave... I don't know. I suppose I am just complaining.
Maybe it is this dumb summer chest cold. It feels like I have tiny little baby lungs, cuz when I take a big breath, it hurts like heck... It will go away soon :) And, Jim has the next 2 days off after today :) that is coooooool :) I guess I am done complaining for today. If you took the time to read this, here is some chocolate as payment :):):)
Angel Chasse (again)
7/03/2005
1000
I have had 1000 hits (according to my counter) on this blog. I wonder who is reading? I wonder what they call think? Hrm... then again, maybe I don't want to know what EVERYONE who reads thinks :) LOL - Just kiddin.. it's muggggggy here.. but what do I expect.. 3rd of July in Iowa... go figure...
I didn't have a lot to post about today, just watched the news a bit, and that was depressing.. so many people missing, killed, hurt, messed up.. Not a lot of good news on the news these days. I can't wait til Jimbo gets home tonight. I am not adjusted yet to him having a job, and being gone during the evenings. I got used to having him around all of the time..
On another subject, I have a summer cold. I hate those. I am a snot factory.. I know.. TMI TMI!!
I don't think we are doing anything for the 4th.. I have no energy, and Jim is going to fix a friend's computer, and then has to work from 5-10 again, so that pretty much covers 4th of July :)
I think it is naptime for me....
Angel Chasse (again)
I didn't have a lot to post about today, just watched the news a bit, and that was depressing.. so many people missing, killed, hurt, messed up.. Not a lot of good news on the news these days. I can't wait til Jimbo gets home tonight. I am not adjusted yet to him having a job, and being gone during the evenings. I got used to having him around all of the time..
On another subject, I have a summer cold. I hate those. I am a snot factory.. I know.. TMI TMI!!
I don't think we are doing anything for the 4th.. I have no energy, and Jim is going to fix a friend's computer, and then has to work from 5-10 again, so that pretty much covers 4th of July :)
I think it is naptime for me....
Angel Chasse (again)
7/02/2005
Deb is in heaven now....
My mom just called. Her best friend Deb passed away.
I am happy for Deb, cuz I know she was in a lot of pain, and very sick.
I feel sad for my mom, not only did she lose her best friend, but she also didn't get the phone message saying she passed away Friday June 24th, and so she didn't go to the funeral that was Monday, the 27th. I think it would have been good for my mom to get to say goodbye. I guess it's good in a way though, cuz my mom (like me) is very emotional, and it might have broken her heart to be there. Deb was looking down I am sure, and laughing it up about how my mom hates that cell phone "necessary evil" to her. Well, this "death watch" is over now, and though my mom missed the ceremony putting Deb to rest. I think that Deb understands. Maybe it is better this way anyway. Tears take a lot out of you.
This Wednesday my mom and dad went to a funeral. One of my dad's cousin's kids. He was 36 years old. Just dropped down to the floor with a massive heart attack. Reminds me that life is fragile, and no tomorrow is guaranteed. My mom said the worst thing ever was watching those two parents lay their child to rest before them. My mom " I just want to let you know, that we went to that funeral, and none of you guys (her kids) are allowed to die before me... I won't have it " --- see there, horrible thing to think about, but like my mom and I do, she tried to get her point across with laughter ;) -- So, I guess it is official. My mom's kids "are not allowed to die without permission" - LOL -- See, I am a freak. I can find humor in this situation, with my mom's help, but can't seem to cheer up from the littlest things sometimes. Anyway, I should prolly end this post now, and go do something constructive.. but if anyone out there is reading this, and if you pray, or anything like that, my Mom could use a few kind wishes. Thanks
Angel Chasse (again)
I am happy for Deb, cuz I know she was in a lot of pain, and very sick.
I feel sad for my mom, not only did she lose her best friend, but she also didn't get the phone message saying she passed away Friday June 24th, and so she didn't go to the funeral that was Monday, the 27th. I think it would have been good for my mom to get to say goodbye. I guess it's good in a way though, cuz my mom (like me) is very emotional, and it might have broken her heart to be there. Deb was looking down I am sure, and laughing it up about how my mom hates that cell phone "necessary evil" to her. Well, this "death watch" is over now, and though my mom missed the ceremony putting Deb to rest. I think that Deb understands. Maybe it is better this way anyway. Tears take a lot out of you.
This Wednesday my mom and dad went to a funeral. One of my dad's cousin's kids. He was 36 years old. Just dropped down to the floor with a massive heart attack. Reminds me that life is fragile, and no tomorrow is guaranteed. My mom said the worst thing ever was watching those two parents lay their child to rest before them. My mom " I just want to let you know, that we went to that funeral, and none of you guys (her kids) are allowed to die before me... I won't have it " --- see there, horrible thing to think about, but like my mom and I do, she tried to get her point across with laughter ;) -- So, I guess it is official. My mom's kids "are not allowed to die without permission" - LOL -- See, I am a freak. I can find humor in this situation, with my mom's help, but can't seem to cheer up from the littlest things sometimes. Anyway, I should prolly end this post now, and go do something constructive.. but if anyone out there is reading this, and if you pray, or anything like that, my Mom could use a few kind wishes. Thanks
Angel Chasse (again)
Happy Fourth Of July
I have always loved this song. I am not sure how to make it play on this blog, so I will have to settle for just posting the words. I hope that everyone reading this has a great 4th of July weekend, safe, and with friends and family. I just signed a note to our troops at http://americasupportsyou.mil -- If you have a moment, please go there and let the troops know we are all thinking of them as we give thanks for our freedom. Most anyone who knows me knows that I don't support GW Bush's lying to us about his reasons for this war, and I wish that all of our servicemen and women were home. But not supporting this president is NOT the same as not supporting our troops. I support them 110%, and I wish each and every one of them a safe return home to their friends and family. Thank you armed forces of America. I for one, sincerely appreciate the work you do. America's freedome is not free. Thanks again for all of the work you do!!!!!!!!!!
Here's that song... enjoy!
If tomorrow all the things were gone
I’d worked for all my life,
And I had to start again with just my children and my wife.
I’d thank my lucky stars to be living here today,
‘Cause the flag still stands for freedom and they can’t take that away.
And I’m proud to be an American where at least I know I’m free.
And I won’t forget the men who died, who gave that right to me.
And I’d gladly stand up next to you and defend her still today.
‘Cause there ain’t no doubt I love this land God bless the U.S.A.
From the lakes of Minnesota,
to the hills of Tennessee,
across the plains of Texas, from sea to shining sea,
From Detroit down to Houston and New York to LA,
Well, there’s pride in every American heart,
and it’s time to stand and say:
I’m proud to be an American where at least I know I’m free.
And I won’t forget the men who died,
who gave that right to me.
And I’d gladly stand up next to you and defend her still today.
‘Cause there ain’t no doubt I love this land God bless the U.S.A.
God Bless The U.S.A.
Words and Music by Lee Greenwood© Copyright 1984 by MUSIC CORPORATION OF AMERICA, INC. & SONGS OF POLYGRAM INTERNATIONAL, INC.All Rights Controlled and Administered by MUSIC CORPORATION OF AMERICA, INC.International Copyright Secured All Rights Reserved
Angel Chasse (again)
Here's that song... enjoy!
If tomorrow all the things were gone
I’d worked for all my life,
And I had to start again with just my children and my wife.
I’d thank my lucky stars to be living here today,
‘Cause the flag still stands for freedom and they can’t take that away.
And I’m proud to be an American where at least I know I’m free.
And I won’t forget the men who died, who gave that right to me.
And I’d gladly stand up next to you and defend her still today.
‘Cause there ain’t no doubt I love this land God bless the U.S.A.
From the lakes of Minnesota,
to the hills of Tennessee,
across the plains of Texas, from sea to shining sea,
From Detroit down to Houston and New York to LA,
Well, there’s pride in every American heart,
and it’s time to stand and say:
I’m proud to be an American where at least I know I’m free.
And I won’t forget the men who died,
who gave that right to me.
And I’d gladly stand up next to you and defend her still today.
‘Cause there ain’t no doubt I love this land God bless the U.S.A.
God Bless The U.S.A.
Words and Music by Lee Greenwood© Copyright 1984 by MUSIC CORPORATION OF AMERICA, INC. & SONGS OF POLYGRAM INTERNATIONAL, INC.All Rights Controlled and Administered by MUSIC CORPORATION OF AMERICA, INC.International Copyright Secured All Rights Reserved
Angel Chasse (again)
7/01/2005
My Husband, Jim
Jim
He's strong. He's steadfast. He's a genius, even if he didn't know it.
31 years old. Nontraditional college student (3.25 GPA) - wow - good job
He loves me. With his whole heart. And his soul. Loves me when I am happy, when I am sad, when I am screaming at him, when I am freaking out. He just loves me all the time. He is better to me and for me than I deserve. I am all emotion. He knows how to keep his in check. He takes care of me. He never really asks for anything. He always looks for little ways to light up my life. We have known each other since Jan 6th 1997 ( I was 18 he was 23) - Married on Jan 6th 1998 - I don't know how he does it. I don't know how he puts up with me. His spirit is strong, and good, and happy. My spirit is damaged, and at best good. He loves me on the good days, and on the bad days, and even when there are no good days, it's all bad ones strung together. He is my rock. I am not that for him. I don't know how he holds himself up, but he does :)
I just wanted to share with the world of bloggers that my husband is perfect for me, and he is the best thing that has ever happened in my life. I love him very much, and I am not sure why, but he loves me back :):) It's always good when they love you back..
Handsome
Kind
Strong
Faithful
Loving
Caring
Compassionate
Empathetic
Intelligent
Adventurous
Grounding
Wise
Loveable
Positive
Capable
Geeky like me :):)
Amazing
Handsome
Gifted
Talented
(In no particular order)
I love you Jim. I will love you for ever.
Thank you for loving me.
Angel Chasse
He's strong. He's steadfast. He's a genius, even if he didn't know it.
31 years old. Nontraditional college student (3.25 GPA) - wow - good job
He loves me. With his whole heart. And his soul. Loves me when I am happy, when I am sad, when I am screaming at him, when I am freaking out. He just loves me all the time. He is better to me and for me than I deserve. I am all emotion. He knows how to keep his in check. He takes care of me. He never really asks for anything. He always looks for little ways to light up my life. We have known each other since Jan 6th 1997 ( I was 18 he was 23) - Married on Jan 6th 1998 - I don't know how he does it. I don't know how he puts up with me. His spirit is strong, and good, and happy. My spirit is damaged, and at best good. He loves me on the good days, and on the bad days, and even when there are no good days, it's all bad ones strung together. He is my rock. I am not that for him. I don't know how he holds himself up, but he does :)
I just wanted to share with the world of bloggers that my husband is perfect for me, and he is the best thing that has ever happened in my life. I love him very much, and I am not sure why, but he loves me back :):) It's always good when they love you back..
Handsome
Kind
Strong
Faithful
Loving
Caring
Compassionate
Empathetic
Intelligent
Adventurous
Grounding
Wise
Loveable
Positive
Capable
Geeky like me :):)
Amazing
Handsome
Gifted
Talented
(In no particular order)
I love you Jim. I will love you for ever.
Thank you for loving me.
Angel Chasse
6/29/2005
Not much...
Not much going on around here. Jim starts work tomorrow, so I will be home by myself a lot more. Probably equates to more blogging :) - I listened to the president's speech half-heartedly last night. I support the troops, but I do NOT support the president that put them there and is keeping them there. I am tired, and I have a sore throat. What is that thing called where your nose drips stuff into the back of your throat (and thus makes it sore) -- what ever that is called, that is what I have :) - yuck I know. So this coming monday is the 4th of July. I almost wish it was the 4th of september, so that it would be COOLER outside. It seems that the last 2+ weeks it has been 90 and humid every darn day.. I love winter, I can always warm up. It is much harder for me to cool down. Not sure what is up with people who are summer lovers.. I mean, its great cuz you can be outside more, but I am not much of a being out in the hot kind of person. I think I will try to upload some more pictures to my Flickr today. We'll see. I neeed need need to do laundry, but I hate laundry. But, if I go and do it, then its done, and maybe I can go over to Becky's and swim. -- again, as you can prolly tell if you are reading this.. I have not got a lot going on right now :)
Angel Chasse (again)
Angel Chasse (again)
6/27/2005
Ton Cruise Interview - Text
Lauer: Katie has mentioned that she is embracing, or at least exposing herself and opening herself up to, Scientology. At this stage in your life, could you be with someone who doesn't have an interest?
Cruise: You know, Scientology is something that you don't understand. It's like, you could be a Christian and be a Scientologist, okay. Scientology is something—
Lauer: So, it doesn't replace religion.
Cruise: It is a religion. Because it's dealing with the spirit. You as a spiritual being. It gives you tools you can use to apply to your life.
We asked Cruise to explain his recent comments regarding Brooke Shields. Cruise created a firestorm when he criticized Shields for revealing that she went into therapy and took antidepressants to deal with her postpartum depression. Cruise has said that, as a Scientologist, he doesn't believe in psychiatric medicine.
Cruise: I've never agreed with psychiatry, ever. Before I was a Scientologist I never agreed with psychiatry. And when I started studying the history of psychiatry, I understood more and more why I didn't believe in psychology.
And as far as the Brooke Shields thing, look, you got to understand, I really care about Brooke Shields. I think, here's a wonderful and talented woman. And I want to see her do well. And I know that psychiatry is a pseudo science.
Lauer: But Tom, if she said that this particular thing helped her feel better, whether it was the antidepressants or going to a counselor or psychiatrist, isn't that enough?
Cruise: Matt, you have to understand this. Here we are today, where I talk out against drugs and psychiatric abuses of electric shocking people, okay, against their will, of drugging children with them not knowing the effects of these drugs. Do you know what Aderol is? Do you know Ritalin? Do you know now that Ritalin is a street drug? Do you understand that?
Lauer: The difference is —
Cruise: No, no, Matt.
Lauer: This wasn't against her will, though.
Cruise: Matt, Matt, Matt, Matt —
Lauer: But this wasn't against her will.
Cruise: Matt, I'm asking you a question.
Lauer: I understand there's abuse of all of these things.
Cruise: No, you see. Here's the problem. You don't know the history of psychiatry. I do.
Lauer: Aren't there examples, and might not Brooke Shields be an example, of someone who benefited from one of those drugs?
Cruise: All it does is mask the problem, Matt. And if you understand the history of it, it masks the problem. That's what it does. That's all it does. You're not getting to the reason why. There is no such thing as a chemical imbalance.
Lauer: So, postpartum depression to you is kind of a little psychological gobbledygook —
Cruise: No. I did not say that.
Lauer: I'm just asking what you, what would you call it?
Cruise: No. No. Abso— Matt, now you're talking about two different things.
Lauer: But that's what she went on the antidepressant for.
Cruise: But what happens, the antidepressant, all it does is mask the problem. There's ways, [with] vitamins and through exercise and various things... I'm not saying that that isn't real. That's not what I'm saying. That's an alteration of what I'm saying. I'm saying that drugs aren't the answer, these drugs are very dangerous. They're mind-altering, antipsychotic drugs. And there are ways of doing it without that so that we don't end up in a brave new world. The thing that I'm saying about Brooke is that there's misinformation, okay. And she doesn't understand the history of psychiatry. She doesn't understand in the same way that you don't understand it, Matt.
Lauer: But a little bit of what you're saying Tom is, you say you want people to do well. But you want them do to well by taking the road that you approve of, as opposed to a road that may work for them.
(Aside from me.... Good point Matt!!!!!!)
Cruise: No, no, I'm not.
Lauer: Well, if antidepressants work for Brooke Shields, why isn't that okay?
Cruise: I disagree with it. And I think that there's a higher and better quality of life. And I think that, promoting — for me personally, see, you're saying what, I can't discuss what I wanna discuss?
Lauer: No. You absolutely can.
Cruise: I know. But Matt, you're going in and saying that, that I can't discuss this.
Lauer: I'm only asking, isn't there a possibility that — do you examine the possibility that these things do work for some people? That yes, there are abuses. And yes, maybe they've gone too far in certain areas. Maybe there are too many kids on Ritalin. Maybe electric shock —
Cruise: Too many kids on Ritalin? Matt.
Lauer: I'm just saying. But aren't there examples where it works?
Cruise: Matt. Matt, Matt, you don't even — you're glib. You don't even know what Ritalin is. If you start talking about chemical imbalance, you have to evaluate and read the research papers on how they came up with these theories, Matt, okay? That's what I've done. Then you go and you say where's the medical test? Where's the blood test that says how much Ritalin you're supposed to get?
Lauer: It's very impressive to listen to you. Because clearly, you've done the homework. And you know the subject.
Cruise: And you should. And you should do that also. Because just knowing people who are on Ritalin isn't enough. You should be a little bit more responsible in knowing really —
Lauer: I'm not prescribing Ritalin, Tom. And I'm not asking anyone else to do it. I'm simply saying, I know some people who seem to have been helped by it.
Cruise: But you're saying this is a very important issue.
Lauer: I couldn't agree more.
Cruise: It's very — and you know what? You're here on the "Today" show.
Lauer: Right.
Cruise: And to talk about it in a way of saying, "Well, isn't it okay," and being reasonable about it when you don't know and I do, I think that you should be a little bit more responsible in knowing what it is.
Lauer: But —
Cruise: Because you communicate to people.
Lauer: But you're now telling me that your experiences with the people I know, which are zero, are more important than my experiences.
Cruise: What do you mean by that?
Lauer: You're telling me what's worked for people I know or hasn't worked for people I know. I'm telling you, I’ve lived with these people and they're better.
Cruise: So, you're advocating it.
Lauer: I am not. I'm telling you in their case, in their individual case, it worked. I am not gonna go out and say, "Get your kids on Ritalin. It's the cure-all and the end-all."
Cruise: Matt, but here's the point. What is the ideal scene for life? Okay. The ideal scene is someone not having to take antipsychotic drugs.
Lauer: I would agree.
Cruise: Okay. So, now you look at a departure from that ideal scene, is someone taking drugs, okay. And then you go, okay. What is the theory and the science behind that, that justifies that?
Lauer: Let me take this more general, because I think you and I can go around in circles on this for awhile. And I respect your opinion. Do you want more people to understand Scientology? Would that be a goal of yours?
Cruise: You know what? Absolutely. Of course, you know.
Lauer: How do you go about that?
Cruise: You just communicate about it. And the important thing is, like you and I talk about it, whether it's okay, if I want to know something, I go and find out. Because I don't talk about things that I don't understand. I'll say, you know what? I'm not so sure about that. I'll go find more information about it so I can come to an opinion based on the information that I have.
Lauer: You're so passionate about it.
Cruise: I'm passionate about learning. I'm passionate about life, Matt.
© 2005 MSNBC Interactive
Cruise: You know, Scientology is something that you don't understand. It's like, you could be a Christian and be a Scientologist, okay. Scientology is something—
Lauer: So, it doesn't replace religion.
Cruise: It is a religion. Because it's dealing with the spirit. You as a spiritual being. It gives you tools you can use to apply to your life.
We asked Cruise to explain his recent comments regarding Brooke Shields. Cruise created a firestorm when he criticized Shields for revealing that she went into therapy and took antidepressants to deal with her postpartum depression. Cruise has said that, as a Scientologist, he doesn't believe in psychiatric medicine.
Cruise: I've never agreed with psychiatry, ever. Before I was a Scientologist I never agreed with psychiatry. And when I started studying the history of psychiatry, I understood more and more why I didn't believe in psychology.
And as far as the Brooke Shields thing, look, you got to understand, I really care about Brooke Shields. I think, here's a wonderful and talented woman. And I want to see her do well. And I know that psychiatry is a pseudo science.
Lauer: But Tom, if she said that this particular thing helped her feel better, whether it was the antidepressants or going to a counselor or psychiatrist, isn't that enough?
Cruise: Matt, you have to understand this. Here we are today, where I talk out against drugs and psychiatric abuses of electric shocking people, okay, against their will, of drugging children with them not knowing the effects of these drugs. Do you know what Aderol is? Do you know Ritalin? Do you know now that Ritalin is a street drug? Do you understand that?
Lauer: The difference is —
Cruise: No, no, Matt.
Lauer: This wasn't against her will, though.
Cruise: Matt, Matt, Matt, Matt —
Lauer: But this wasn't against her will.
Cruise: Matt, I'm asking you a question.
Lauer: I understand there's abuse of all of these things.
Cruise: No, you see. Here's the problem. You don't know the history of psychiatry. I do.
Lauer: Aren't there examples, and might not Brooke Shields be an example, of someone who benefited from one of those drugs?
Cruise: All it does is mask the problem, Matt. And if you understand the history of it, it masks the problem. That's what it does. That's all it does. You're not getting to the reason why. There is no such thing as a chemical imbalance.
Lauer: So, postpartum depression to you is kind of a little psychological gobbledygook —
Cruise: No. I did not say that.
Lauer: I'm just asking what you, what would you call it?
Cruise: No. No. Abso— Matt, now you're talking about two different things.
Lauer: But that's what she went on the antidepressant for.
Cruise: But what happens, the antidepressant, all it does is mask the problem. There's ways, [with] vitamins and through exercise and various things... I'm not saying that that isn't real. That's not what I'm saying. That's an alteration of what I'm saying. I'm saying that drugs aren't the answer, these drugs are very dangerous. They're mind-altering, antipsychotic drugs. And there are ways of doing it without that so that we don't end up in a brave new world. The thing that I'm saying about Brooke is that there's misinformation, okay. And she doesn't understand the history of psychiatry. She doesn't understand in the same way that you don't understand it, Matt.
Lauer: But a little bit of what you're saying Tom is, you say you want people to do well. But you want them do to well by taking the road that you approve of, as opposed to a road that may work for them.
(Aside from me.... Good point Matt!!!!!!)
Cruise: No, no, I'm not.
Lauer: Well, if antidepressants work for Brooke Shields, why isn't that okay?
Cruise: I disagree with it. And I think that there's a higher and better quality of life. And I think that, promoting — for me personally, see, you're saying what, I can't discuss what I wanna discuss?
Lauer: No. You absolutely can.
Cruise: I know. But Matt, you're going in and saying that, that I can't discuss this.
Lauer: I'm only asking, isn't there a possibility that — do you examine the possibility that these things do work for some people? That yes, there are abuses. And yes, maybe they've gone too far in certain areas. Maybe there are too many kids on Ritalin. Maybe electric shock —
Cruise: Too many kids on Ritalin? Matt.
Lauer: I'm just saying. But aren't there examples where it works?
Cruise: Matt. Matt, Matt, you don't even — you're glib. You don't even know what Ritalin is. If you start talking about chemical imbalance, you have to evaluate and read the research papers on how they came up with these theories, Matt, okay? That's what I've done. Then you go and you say where's the medical test? Where's the blood test that says how much Ritalin you're supposed to get?
Lauer: It's very impressive to listen to you. Because clearly, you've done the homework. And you know the subject.
Cruise: And you should. And you should do that also. Because just knowing people who are on Ritalin isn't enough. You should be a little bit more responsible in knowing really —
Lauer: I'm not prescribing Ritalin, Tom. And I'm not asking anyone else to do it. I'm simply saying, I know some people who seem to have been helped by it.
Cruise: But you're saying this is a very important issue.
Lauer: I couldn't agree more.
Cruise: It's very — and you know what? You're here on the "Today" show.
Lauer: Right.
Cruise: And to talk about it in a way of saying, "Well, isn't it okay," and being reasonable about it when you don't know and I do, I think that you should be a little bit more responsible in knowing what it is.
Lauer: But —
Cruise: Because you communicate to people.
Lauer: But you're now telling me that your experiences with the people I know, which are zero, are more important than my experiences.
Cruise: What do you mean by that?
Lauer: You're telling me what's worked for people I know or hasn't worked for people I know. I'm telling you, I’ve lived with these people and they're better.
Cruise: So, you're advocating it.
Lauer: I am not. I'm telling you in their case, in their individual case, it worked. I am not gonna go out and say, "Get your kids on Ritalin. It's the cure-all and the end-all."
Cruise: Matt, but here's the point. What is the ideal scene for life? Okay. The ideal scene is someone not having to take antipsychotic drugs.
Lauer: I would agree.
Cruise: Okay. So, now you look at a departure from that ideal scene, is someone taking drugs, okay. And then you go, okay. What is the theory and the science behind that, that justifies that?
Lauer: Let me take this more general, because I think you and I can go around in circles on this for awhile. And I respect your opinion. Do you want more people to understand Scientology? Would that be a goal of yours?
Cruise: You know what? Absolutely. Of course, you know.
Lauer: How do you go about that?
Cruise: You just communicate about it. And the important thing is, like you and I talk about it, whether it's okay, if I want to know something, I go and find out. Because I don't talk about things that I don't understand. I'll say, you know what? I'm not so sure about that. I'll go find more information about it so I can come to an opinion based on the information that I have.
Lauer: You're so passionate about it.
Cruise: I'm passionate about learning. I'm passionate about life, Matt.
© 2005 MSNBC Interactive
Tom Cruise
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/8343367/
Check out that site. Today Show interview between Tom Cruise and Matt Lauer... Ok, I am trying to find a site that has that interview all typed up nicely, cuz I would like to paste it here at my blog, so I don't misquote, and can show you the exact things that were said (by Tom) - He said... Psychiatry is a Pseudo-Science .... that "he has researched the subject" and that "he knows, and Matt doesn't" -- well. I thought that Tommy boy had kind of changed, had really "come out of his shell" or something now that he is dating Katie Holmes. I was happy for him. I like it when others are happy (LOL Tom said that in the interview too) -- but holy crap. He's an actor. I know he has opinions, but wow, I thought him very rude to Matt Lauer - what I got out of it was Matt was saying.. "Tom, is it for you to say that the entire of psychiatry is made up and useless, if it helps someone else be happier, why can't that be good enough for you" -- It was weird to me, because he is a scientologist. He also said that you can be a christian, and be a scientologist as well. I guess I need to do my research on scientology, but heck, I think that he treated Matt very rudely, and I expected better manners from him. I am not sure what is up with him lately. It is not that I want to have movie stars with no opinions, and no strong ones, I love love love love Rosie O'donnell, and she has VERY strong opinions and is not afraid to voice them. I am all for using your "fame" to champion a cause and get a lot done as just one person with that cause, but holy heck, Tom, why did you have to be so rude. Have you been restraining yourself for many years, and now you just opened up the floodgates, or what? That is a pretty big leap, saying psychiatry is not a science and that there is no such thing as a chemical imbalance. I guess there is nothing going on up in my head... lol -- Well, that is enough ranting about that. I DO want Tom Cruise to be happy in his life... I DO NOT want him to share his opinions by being rude, and condescending to others, and I DONT believe he could possibly know enough about Psychiatry (med school? Residency? etc) to know that is is a quack science..... ------- psych drugs wrong for a LOT of the population that is taking them? I bet you are right... but not necessary for ANYONE..... Might want to rethink that point.... whew.... More in a moment, need some ice water, its hot in here :):)
Angel Chasse (again)
Check out that site. Today Show interview between Tom Cruise and Matt Lauer... Ok, I am trying to find a site that has that interview all typed up nicely, cuz I would like to paste it here at my blog, so I don't misquote, and can show you the exact things that were said (by Tom) - He said... Psychiatry is a Pseudo-Science .... that "he has researched the subject" and that "he knows, and Matt doesn't" -- well. I thought that Tommy boy had kind of changed, had really "come out of his shell" or something now that he is dating Katie Holmes. I was happy for him. I like it when others are happy (LOL Tom said that in the interview too) -- but holy crap. He's an actor. I know he has opinions, but wow, I thought him very rude to Matt Lauer - what I got out of it was Matt was saying.. "Tom, is it for you to say that the entire of psychiatry is made up and useless, if it helps someone else be happier, why can't that be good enough for you" -- It was weird to me, because he is a scientologist. He also said that you can be a christian, and be a scientologist as well. I guess I need to do my research on scientology, but heck, I think that he treated Matt very rudely, and I expected better manners from him. I am not sure what is up with him lately. It is not that I want to have movie stars with no opinions, and no strong ones, I love love love love Rosie O'donnell, and she has VERY strong opinions and is not afraid to voice them. I am all for using your "fame" to champion a cause and get a lot done as just one person with that cause, but holy heck, Tom, why did you have to be so rude. Have you been restraining yourself for many years, and now you just opened up the floodgates, or what? That is a pretty big leap, saying psychiatry is not a science and that there is no such thing as a chemical imbalance. I guess there is nothing going on up in my head... lol -- Well, that is enough ranting about that. I DO want Tom Cruise to be happy in his life... I DO NOT want him to share his opinions by being rude, and condescending to others, and I DONT believe he could possibly know enough about Psychiatry (med school? Residency? etc) to know that is is a quack science..... ------- psych drugs wrong for a LOT of the population that is taking them? I bet you are right... but not necessary for ANYONE..... Might want to rethink that point.... whew.... More in a moment, need some ice water, its hot in here :):)
Angel Chasse (again)
6/22/2005
Is there anything worse?
Death watch.. that is what I am calling it.. yesterday my mom and I went to see her friend who has cancer everywhere, and is nearing the end of her life. Very soon. We went in, there were 2 people (friends and family) sitting in the kitchen. Deb (my mom's best friend) was in the living room, in hospital bed, mostly out of it from all the pain meds. They were filling us in in the kitchen... no food for 16 days now, only sips of iced tea, pain meds, etc etc.. they said that hospice came in and said life is white and dead is black, and Deb is in dark grey.....
WHAT?
How does this become routine to them. I am thankful for them, at the same time I am sooooo glad I don't have that job. I prayed last night that she just go... no more pain, no more suffering, no more deathwatch for family members and friends.
My mom says no more close friends for her ever. Can't say I blame her.
This whole thing got me thinking (of course) -- Deb is 50, my mom is 45 - I can't lose my mom, cant do it. I just pray she lives to be an old old woman. I will love to see how my mom is when she is old. She is so honest.. sometimes a bit brutal to listen to :) she is so spunky. That is what drew her to Deb and Deb to her I am sure of it... both of them quick with a jab or a joke, all in good fun, drinking coffee for hours together.. the number of times they had each other crying over laughing so hard.. wow too many times to count. I love my mom so much, and hate this for her. Wish I could be the parent, and put a bandaid on and say "all better" and it would all go away for her.. can't do that, I am learning... gotta take life as it comes.. but let me tell ya, sometimes it SUCKS!! BAD!!
Gotta hold on to the little things that make me happy.. Husband... family... and little tiny thing, but COLD STONE CREAMERY ICE CREAM!!! Love it... indulged tonight.. shouldn't have, can't afford it at the moment, but .. gotta drink in the good stuff.... I love you Jim
Angel Chasse (again)
WHAT?
How does this become routine to them. I am thankful for them, at the same time I am sooooo glad I don't have that job. I prayed last night that she just go... no more pain, no more suffering, no more deathwatch for family members and friends.
My mom says no more close friends for her ever. Can't say I blame her.
This whole thing got me thinking (of course) -- Deb is 50, my mom is 45 - I can't lose my mom, cant do it. I just pray she lives to be an old old woman. I will love to see how my mom is when she is old. She is so honest.. sometimes a bit brutal to listen to :) she is so spunky. That is what drew her to Deb and Deb to her I am sure of it... both of them quick with a jab or a joke, all in good fun, drinking coffee for hours together.. the number of times they had each other crying over laughing so hard.. wow too many times to count. I love my mom so much, and hate this for her. Wish I could be the parent, and put a bandaid on and say "all better" and it would all go away for her.. can't do that, I am learning... gotta take life as it comes.. but let me tell ya, sometimes it SUCKS!! BAD!!
Gotta hold on to the little things that make me happy.. Husband... family... and little tiny thing, but COLD STONE CREAMERY ICE CREAM!!! Love it... indulged tonight.. shouldn't have, can't afford it at the moment, but .. gotta drink in the good stuff.... I love you Jim
Angel Chasse (again)
6/20/2005
Painting, the weekend really
Saturday Jim and I painted a room in my mom's basement. Seems easy, and really it was, but I am still sore in my hand and my neck. Wuss. I am a big wuss. Anyway, I never rolled on primer before. I didn't know that the sheetrock and wall essentially could suck up that much primer. I guess I have only painted a few times before and it was on walls that had already been primed and painted before. So we went through a lot of primer, and then 2 coats of paint, and the room still doesn't really look great. I did my best, and that is all I can do. I would really have liked it to look professional though! So we painted, and then my dad decided on a whim pretty much to rent a sod cutter to cut up the sod of their front yard, and Jim went outside in the hot and helped him roll up all the sod and get it ready to go in the dumptruck. My brother's roommate's little 2 year old came over and my mom watched her overnight. She is very cute. She doesn't talk very much on her own, but she will repeat anything you say, and when she saw my brother's picture on the wall, she went nuts.
"Sammy, Sammy, Sammy" ( I take it that she likes my lil bro :) ) So then my mom grilled us T-Bone steaks, and that was great. We sat out on their deck and enjoyed the evening. There was a nice cool breeze so I loved that :) -- then we went home all sore and dirty, and went back over there on Sunday for Father's Day. My dad, Jim, Sam, and Sarah's boyfriend Larry all went to the pool hall, so my Dad prolly had a pretty good day that way :) -- Other than that, still sore from all the painting. Again, I say, I am the world's biggest wimp!!!!!! And it is only 11:30 and it is already hottttt - so someone can take this heat off of my hands ;)
Angel Chasse (again)
"Sammy, Sammy, Sammy" ( I take it that she likes my lil bro :) ) So then my mom grilled us T-Bone steaks, and that was great. We sat out on their deck and enjoyed the evening. There was a nice cool breeze so I loved that :) -- then we went home all sore and dirty, and went back over there on Sunday for Father's Day. My dad, Jim, Sam, and Sarah's boyfriend Larry all went to the pool hall, so my Dad prolly had a pretty good day that way :) -- Other than that, still sore from all the painting. Again, I say, I am the world's biggest wimp!!!!!! And it is only 11:30 and it is already hottttt - so someone can take this heat off of my hands ;)
Angel Chasse (again)
6/19/2005
Everyone has to die sometime.....
That is what I keep hearing from most male people I know. Weird, it's been the males, not that they don't have emotions or anything, but so far I have only heard it from them. My mom got the call Saturday that her best friend Deb doesn't have long. The cancer is everywhere, and she doesn't want to eat or drink. I think they are medicating her to keep her more comfortable.. My mom and I will go and see her tomorrow. I want to go, both to see her and to support my mom. I don't want to go because she knows she is dying, and we know she is dying, and well, that sucks for me. I know.. me me me -- it's not about me, and I know that, but I am just afraid I will say the wrong thing, and not even be any use to my mom. I really love my mom and I hate that her new thought is that after Deb is gone, she does not want to ever have a close friend again, she only wants to have casual friends... so as not to get attached. I wonder if that is the right way to go. Then again, I am sure that the majority of my mental problems have to do with the fact that I get too emotional..too attached.. take things too personally. So, then is is really a bad plan? And just because my mom is getting older (though she is only 45) - should she/will she ever be ok with the people around her dying? Wow.. I don't think I will ever be ok with it. I don't know. I am a bit confused about how people can just say " Everyone has to die sometime, and you just need to get used to that idea" - Seems crude, and a bit cold to me. But really, is that just the way it is and I need to learn to deal with it? I don't think it ever gets easier though, I have a hard time believing that one.
Angel Chasse (again)
Angel Chasse (again)
6/15/2005
Unfair
Unfair
We went to see my mom's best friend Deb.
Her son was graduating from High School
We went because of that, but we went to see her.
Sick, she was sick. Been in pain and unable to do
anything for a month now.
Off Chemo for a month.. after the last 9 months on.
How is it fair for one person to get cancer 3 separate times in their life?
Who makes these rules? Who lets this happen..
Deb jokes... that she did some bad stuff in her life, so she can understand once...
and then she says.. ok.. twice maybe... but 3 times?
First brain tumor, then double mastectomy, now lymph nodes...
My dad says that at least she has been around to get all the kids off to their own lives
he says hopefully she can make it til whenever he gets married. She already has some grandkids - he says "her main jobs will be done" -- but... but but
Why is that good enough? Why doesn't she get to stay around until she is old and grey and get great grandkids, and go on trips and start her life as an "empty nester" over.. my parents are somewhat doing that now.. me 26 married, brother 22 and out of the house.. they can take cool vacations now, and do stuff.. with no kids dragging along... who decided that Deb doesn't get to do that?
I know, she is still here, and I am thankful for that.. I am.. but in her eyes you can see that she is tired.. tired of all of this.. the pain, the illness, the not getting to do stuff. She couldn't even leave the house to go to the graduation ceremony.. so she got it on videotape... it's not the same.. but it is what she has... and she doesn't really even complain either.. I don't know how she does it. I don't know.. if it were me I would be angry.. I am sure it would not help, but I would be PISSED....
Again.. I don't understand what kind of world we live in that this could happen, and to me, a God that is just would not let this happen. I guess that has always been my problem with the bible and how most people in organized religion are willing to just say that everything that is not perfect in this world is becuase of God giving us free will to make our own choices... I just don't buy into a school of thought that there is someone (god) that is all knowing, and all seeing, and created this world, and because he gave us free will, he can take a hands off aproach when bad things happen...but who is it that people go to and give all the praise when something goes RIGHT???? -- I have to remember that people might read this.. but in the end, it is my blog, and I promised myself when I started it, that I would not censor it or do spellcheck or any of that.. so there it is.. I do not participate in religion because I can't wrap my head around why bad things happen. After all, if god was all knowing, all seeing, and he created this world and all of us who are in it, then he has the POWER to make things right.. and chooses not to. Free will... urgh....
Angel Chasse (again)
We went to see my mom's best friend Deb.
Her son was graduating from High School
We went because of that, but we went to see her.
Sick, she was sick. Been in pain and unable to do
anything for a month now.
Off Chemo for a month.. after the last 9 months on.
How is it fair for one person to get cancer 3 separate times in their life?
Who makes these rules? Who lets this happen..
Deb jokes... that she did some bad stuff in her life, so she can understand once...
and then she says.. ok.. twice maybe... but 3 times?
First brain tumor, then double mastectomy, now lymph nodes...
My dad says that at least she has been around to get all the kids off to their own lives
he says hopefully she can make it til whenever he gets married. She already has some grandkids - he says "her main jobs will be done" -- but... but but
Why is that good enough? Why doesn't she get to stay around until she is old and grey and get great grandkids, and go on trips and start her life as an "empty nester" over.. my parents are somewhat doing that now.. me 26 married, brother 22 and out of the house.. they can take cool vacations now, and do stuff.. with no kids dragging along... who decided that Deb doesn't get to do that?
I know, she is still here, and I am thankful for that.. I am.. but in her eyes you can see that she is tired.. tired of all of this.. the pain, the illness, the not getting to do stuff. She couldn't even leave the house to go to the graduation ceremony.. so she got it on videotape... it's not the same.. but it is what she has... and she doesn't really even complain either.. I don't know how she does it. I don't know.. if it were me I would be angry.. I am sure it would not help, but I would be PISSED....
Again.. I don't understand what kind of world we live in that this could happen, and to me, a God that is just would not let this happen. I guess that has always been my problem with the bible and how most people in organized religion are willing to just say that everything that is not perfect in this world is becuase of God giving us free will to make our own choices... I just don't buy into a school of thought that there is someone (god) that is all knowing, and all seeing, and created this world, and because he gave us free will, he can take a hands off aproach when bad things happen...but who is it that people go to and give all the praise when something goes RIGHT???? -- I have to remember that people might read this.. but in the end, it is my blog, and I promised myself when I started it, that I would not censor it or do spellcheck or any of that.. so there it is.. I do not participate in religion because I can't wrap my head around why bad things happen. After all, if god was all knowing, all seeing, and he created this world and all of us who are in it, then he has the POWER to make things right.. and chooses not to. Free will... urgh....
Angel Chasse (again)
6/13/2005
What?
First off... wow Michael Jackson.. Not guilty on all counts. I am not sure what kind of world he lives in, but if I am parked without money in the meter for one second, I get a parking ticket. I guess those jurors are not me, and I am not them. But I think he did those things (wasn't there, don't know) -- but if he did, and he got a not guilty verdict... isn't that just like the world telling him that the way he has been living and the things he has been doing around/to children is all ok? I just don't know if the woman that brought this case against him can be trusted.... on the other hand, I can safely tell you that no child of MINE will ever be anywhere near Michael Jackson or his associates at that ranch of his. Too scary for me. I think he has lost his touch with reality. I really think I understand that, cuz sometimes I lose mine. I am depressed all the time, and sometimes am nervous about nothing - everything - my depression even takes on the symptom of me hearing someone "in my head" yelling at me and putting me down and telling me to kill myself all of the time. So I guess I am not the worlds most sane person all of the time. But I can say one thing with 110% certainty. I would never hurt anyone else intentionally, and NEVER EVER EVER a child. They are the one group on our planet that truly don't have a voice, and people need to look out for them first, and most. - Ok off the soapbox for now. Having some problems with internet, so we will see if this post makes it to my blog :) I hope so. Do you think that this world will ever get BETTER every day for children, or will it always continue to become more dangerous? I don't really know. I hope that there is something that I can do to help make it better. I will find my something.. I will find it...
Angel Chasse (again)
Angel Chasse (again)
6/08/2005
I'm Baaaack!
The move is done, settling in to the new apartment. It's HOT here.. and the tiny air conditioner is not cutting it. Mostly, it's the glassy sun porch that is the culprit, but what can ya do? We need it for space (it's where the computer is) - other than that, nice apartment, bad neighborhood :) -- Good thing I have big Jim to protect me :)
I saw Rosie on the View yesterday. I think she was great. I think that that show, even more than some others, should have different viewpoints. I mean, come on, wasn't the idea for that whole show from Barbara Walters? Cmon.. it's gotta be fair and good if she is involved :)
Not a lot else going on here. Looking for blinds or some such items to block out the most light and heat. White they say, cuz it reflects the light.. so we will figure it out. I've been having a great time hanging out with my Mom, and my brother stopped over the other day, which wasn't half bad either :) - Jim has to start looking for a summer job now, and that sucks, because then I will be here alone a lot while he is working. Not looking forward to that. I have gotten very used to him being around me :) :) But, the extra money will be nice as well :) You know, I don't have cable at the moment, so I guess it is good that i missed lots of stuff on tv this last season cuz it looks like they really replay all of it for the summer :)
I started browsing a college textbook on sociology. I find it very interesting. To me, not quite as interesting as psychology, but close :) I'm off now to read a bit more of it. I will have a lot of catching up to do when I am next on, blogs to read.. blogs to read :):)
Angel Chasse (again)
I saw Rosie on the View yesterday. I think she was great. I think that that show, even more than some others, should have different viewpoints. I mean, come on, wasn't the idea for that whole show from Barbara Walters? Cmon.. it's gotta be fair and good if she is involved :)
Not a lot else going on here. Looking for blinds or some such items to block out the most light and heat. White they say, cuz it reflects the light.. so we will figure it out. I've been having a great time hanging out with my Mom, and my brother stopped over the other day, which wasn't half bad either :) - Jim has to start looking for a summer job now, and that sucks, because then I will be here alone a lot while he is working. Not looking forward to that. I have gotten very used to him being around me :) :) But, the extra money will be nice as well :) You know, I don't have cable at the moment, so I guess it is good that i missed lots of stuff on tv this last season cuz it looks like they really replay all of it for the summer :)
I started browsing a college textbook on sociology. I find it very interesting. To me, not quite as interesting as psychology, but close :) I'm off now to read a bit more of it. I will have a lot of catching up to do when I am next on, blogs to read.. blogs to read :):)
Angel Chasse (again)
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