I have been thinking about this.... I don't really know what I want to be when I grow up, but I do know some of the characteristics I hope I have -- if not now, then before too long.
I want to be a kind person. To everyone, not just people I know, to people I don't know, and people that I really never thought of before. I want to learn to look at everyone as a whole, and not as the separate backgrounds or cultures they might have. I really want to become more diverse in the people that I know, and my "inner circle" of people
I want to be intelligent. I will probably end up back at college at some point, because it seems that to make it up the job ranks, you need a degree these days.. but more than that, I want to always be learning SOMETHING. I want to learn everything I can in my life. I know I have a facination with psychology and how the mind works, and how it affects behavior, so maybe I can run with that
I want to have control of my emotions. I know a lot of people that really can control how they react to what the world throws their way, and almost never come unglued. I don't want to be exactly that way, but my life would be much better all the way around if I didn't have such strong emotions, and if I had better control of them.
I want to have guts. I have lived this far in my life just going along most of the time with what others say is right and wrong, and being ok with that. But more and more I want to be a person that can weigh situations out for myself and develop my own opinions, and when I do get those opinions formed, I want to stick by them and not back down. I know for me that will be extremely different, but I really respect other people who can do this. So, if I respect it in others, I should probably try to make it happen for me.
I want to make a difference. I am not sure what my chosen path will be, but I want to be able to feel, and know, that I made a difference. In the world, on this planet, or maybe only in my own family. I am not sure how far is reaching too far in this arena.. I just would hate to leave this life and really have done no good.. made no difference..
I want to be a better wife. I want to work on the things that I can improve, and learn even more ways to be a good wife. Not any one area in particular.. just a better friend to my husband, better lover, better confidante, heck even better cook and bottlewasher ;) - Joking.. but really. I think that I can make a WONDERFUL wife to my husband, I just have to start today, and try to make every day better than the one before.. baby steps baby steps..
Some obstacles..
Laziness, Lack of energy, Lack of motivation, Mental illness and emotional intensity, Pride, Insecurity, Fear of abandonment, Fear itself, lack of assertiveness, I am sure for me, this list could be written on for days, but I guess I just wanted to write this down while I am thinking of it, so I can go back later and see if I have made any of these changes, if I have accomplished any of this. I don't seem to have that great of a memory, so writing it down is always good :) or at least it doesn't hurt.
Angel Chasse (again)
5/22/2005
Song Lyrics
I have never been a classical music fan. I think it is because I am always trying to hear the lyrics ... LOL .. seems funny, but it's true.. I like Garth Brooks. And I love his song "the storm" - It doesn't totally fit me, cuz I've not lost the "him" she is talking about there.. but I really feel these lyrics
She's drowning in emotions
And she cannot
Reach the shore
She's alive but
Can she survive the storm?
-"The Storm" Written by: Garth Brooks- Kim Williams- Kent Blazy
I always feel like I am drowning in emotions. I'm sure they have some technically correct name for it, but it FEELS like the words from that song. It's weird to me, what different people like in music. Some like the bass, and have to have it very loud.. no matter if you can tell what the person is saying or not.. and some want no lyrics, just the music.. different people, different things they want from their music. That is the cool thing, but it boggles my mind. I am definitely a lyrics gal myself.. doesn't really matter much to me WHO is singing the song, or how it it laid out, I will always go to the lyrics. And, to my dismay, I always take the words literally. I have had some friends that tell me that music is a form of art, and that it is not always literal. I can't get my mind to not think of it that way..
I also love this song by Eminem.. here are some of the lyrics I like... I guess it's all about what you think success is. They give him a lot of money yes, but it causes it's own set of new problems.. so no matter what, you're gonna have shit to deal with. You just are.. period.
But everybody just feels like they can relate
I guess words are a motherfucker, they can be great
Or they can be great, or even worse, they can teach hate
Its like kids hang on every single statement we make
Like they worship us, plus all the stores ship us platinum
Now how the fuck did this metamorphasis happen?
They say music can alter moods and talk to you
But can it load a gun for you and cock it too?
Well if it can, then the next time you assault a dude
Just tell the judge it was my fault, and i'll get sued
See what these kids do, is hear about us toting pistols
And they want to get one, cos they think the shit's cool
Not knowin' we're really just protectin' ourselves
We're entertainers, of course this shit's affecting our sales
You ignoramus. but music is reflection of self
We just explain it, and then we get our cheques in the mail
It's fucked up ain't it, how we can come from practically nothin'
To bein' able to have any fuckin' thing that we wanted
It's why we sing for these kids that don't have a thing
Except for a dream and a fucking rap magazine
Who post pinup pictures on their walls all day long
Idolise their favourite rappers and know all they songs
We're nothing to you, but we're the fuckin' shit in their eyes
From "sing for the moment" By Mashall Mathers III
So, hearing those lyrics, and assuming they are true, it ain't that easy being famous and popular either, so - for those that dream of that, they need to think about what they are taking on too. Paparazzi, and adoring mobs of fans, and being blamed for stuff, and having people look up to you. It doesn't seem like a walk in the park to me. And many have been there, and then walked away from it all because it was just too much. So there is all the proof that I need, that I would never want to be famous. I guess I better just start working on being a better me.. not really different, just better :)
Angel Chasse (again)
She's drowning in emotions
And she cannot
Reach the shore
She's alive but
Can she survive the storm?
-"The Storm" Written by: Garth Brooks- Kim Williams- Kent Blazy
I always feel like I am drowning in emotions. I'm sure they have some technically correct name for it, but it FEELS like the words from that song. It's weird to me, what different people like in music. Some like the bass, and have to have it very loud.. no matter if you can tell what the person is saying or not.. and some want no lyrics, just the music.. different people, different things they want from their music. That is the cool thing, but it boggles my mind. I am definitely a lyrics gal myself.. doesn't really matter much to me WHO is singing the song, or how it it laid out, I will always go to the lyrics. And, to my dismay, I always take the words literally. I have had some friends that tell me that music is a form of art, and that it is not always literal. I can't get my mind to not think of it that way..
I also love this song by Eminem.. here are some of the lyrics I like... I guess it's all about what you think success is. They give him a lot of money yes, but it causes it's own set of new problems.. so no matter what, you're gonna have shit to deal with. You just are.. period.
But everybody just feels like they can relate
I guess words are a motherfucker, they can be great
Or they can be great, or even worse, they can teach hate
Its like kids hang on every single statement we make
Like they worship us, plus all the stores ship us platinum
Now how the fuck did this metamorphasis happen?
They say music can alter moods and talk to you
But can it load a gun for you and cock it too?
Well if it can, then the next time you assault a dude
Just tell the judge it was my fault, and i'll get sued
See what these kids do, is hear about us toting pistols
And they want to get one, cos they think the shit's cool
Not knowin' we're really just protectin' ourselves
We're entertainers, of course this shit's affecting our sales
You ignoramus. but music is reflection of self
We just explain it, and then we get our cheques in the mail
It's fucked up ain't it, how we can come from practically nothin'
To bein' able to have any fuckin' thing that we wanted
It's why we sing for these kids that don't have a thing
Except for a dream and a fucking rap magazine
Who post pinup pictures on their walls all day long
Idolise their favourite rappers and know all they songs
We're nothing to you, but we're the fuckin' shit in their eyes
From "sing for the moment" By Mashall Mathers III
So, hearing those lyrics, and assuming they are true, it ain't that easy being famous and popular either, so - for those that dream of that, they need to think about what they are taking on too. Paparazzi, and adoring mobs of fans, and being blamed for stuff, and having people look up to you. It doesn't seem like a walk in the park to me. And many have been there, and then walked away from it all because it was just too much. So there is all the proof that I need, that I would never want to be famous. I guess I better just start working on being a better me.. not really different, just better :)
Angel Chasse (again)
5/20/2005
"This makes me happy"
Today, small pleasures... yellow...
Jim and I went to falls park, sat on a picnic table in the shade, and drank our sodas and ate our sunflower seed. We have done this TONS of time.. TONS.. but we are really into being outside there. Today was a bit different. We saw some prairie dogs, or gophers, or ground squirrels, whatever you want to call them....anyway..
They were running around playing, and I have always hated those little things, they make little holes in the ground, where they live.... I have the uncanny knack of putting my foot in those little holes, and almost breaking said foot every time I am outside :)
I got a different perspective today. They were playing and Jim started feeding them the sunflower seeds. They loved those. They loved them a lot. They came within reach-out-and-touch-them space. It was very cool, and we sat there and fed them and got entertained for the better part of an hour. It was great.. and my husband said very yellow words to me.. with a smile... "This makes me happy" - Made my day.. and the little critters did too :) I never would have thought I was going to start liking those little rascals
You learn something new every day.... so true so true :)
I think I love blogging :)
Jim and I went to falls park, sat on a picnic table in the shade, and drank our sodas and ate our sunflower seed. We have done this TONS of time.. TONS.. but we are really into being outside there. Today was a bit different. We saw some prairie dogs, or gophers, or ground squirrels, whatever you want to call them....anyway..
They were running around playing, and I have always hated those little things, they make little holes in the ground, where they live.... I have the uncanny knack of putting my foot in those little holes, and almost breaking said foot every time I am outside :)
I got a different perspective today. They were playing and Jim started feeding them the sunflower seeds. They loved those. They loved them a lot. They came within reach-out-and-touch-them space. It was very cool, and we sat there and fed them and got entertained for the better part of an hour. It was great.. and my husband said very yellow words to me.. with a smile... "This makes me happy" - Made my day.. and the little critters did too :) I never would have thought I was going to start liking those little rascals
You learn something new every day.... so true so true :)
I think I love blogging :)
5/18/2005
Just me rambling
I have no idea what to talk about. Not a lot going on here. Jim's out of school til fall, and we are getting ready to move. I hate moving. I like clearing out old junk we don't use anymore though :)
Got a parking ticket today while we were in talking to the "lady at the post office"
Ahhh, there's something I can write a bit about......
So last Friday, we took a load of boxes to Sioux City, and put them in the new apartment. It's easier for us this way as there is no Uhaul cost, and it's not so overwhelming to move like 1/3 at a time. So while we were there, we got a new post office box established (We like getting our mail there, safer) - anyway, the lady there asked if we were already in Sioux City. We told her no, we were going to receive mail in Sioux Falls (where I am now) until the 29th and then from that day forward, please forward mail from here to there... all seemed to be ok.
Forward to yesterday.. I go to check our mail here, and my key does not fit in the lock of our box... I was sure that we had just put the 2 new keys on my keyring. So sure, in fact, that I came home, told Jimbo that my key didn't work, he proceded to tell me I must have been checking the wrong box (lol@ me.. that could have been it) --So, I go back, and go up to the window and tell them my key is not working....
Angel: This is going to sound really dumb, but my key is not working in my box....
USPS Worker: Did you forget to pay your bill, (small laugh)
Angel: Nope, we are paid up until the end of June
USPS Worker: What is your box # - I will take a look...
Angel: 665 - do you need my ID (puts ID on counter
USPS Worker: Nope, I'll be right back
USPS Worker: Well, here is the card, saying you just rented this box Monday.....
Angel: I have had this box for over 3 years, and that isnt my name there....
USPS Worker: blahblahblah -- I cant keep writing this way, cuz I might misquote her..
LOL
but basically she told me 2 more times that my signature was on that paper - I pointed to my ID proving I was not that person.. then she goes to the computer (in a huff now) and procedes to tell me that they got a forwarding request from "someone" telling them to close this box, and that they had resold it to someone else that very day... I explain to her that we are moving.. but not until the 29th, and try to remain calm as she asks me if my husband might have closed the box without my knowing.. LOL - Ok, NOPE .. but I guess she wasn't listening to what I had just said.. so then she gives me the name of the guy who "runs the boxes area" and says that he is "the only one here who can help me" - tells me that he works from 4am to noon only, and I ask -- well, how am I going to get my mail for the next 13 days? She replies, I'm not sure, you'll have to ask Al (man who runs the boxes area) when you call him... and for one last zinger, repeats again that he only works from 4am to noon, so make sure I am up early enough to call him...... ***Side note here, thanks lady, for assuming that I would not get up before NOON to call someone****
Ok... so that is the lame story.. but here is my point. Why didn't she ever acknowledge that there COULD have been a problem on their end? Why didn't she ever say "I'm sorry that this has happened" - she did everything that she could to pin this problem on me. Now, it's sooooo NOT a huge deal... have me pick up our mail at the window - have all of it forwarded and waiting for me when I get there... I am not really freaking out about the actual mail.. but at the way that this lady treated the situation... THREE times she told me I signed the paper she put in front of me on the counter ..... and that was a male name, and it was not ME hello... and, when I asked if she could call the lady (at the USPS, same place she works for) and ask her what had went wrong, she said no. I have worked in customer service pretty solid since 1997, and I wasn't aware that "pin it on the customer at all costs and never admit a mistake" was part of the USPS or any other company's training policy... anyway... this has become a rant now, but GEESH, a simple... I'm sorry, and here's what we are going to do about it.. would have been GREAT! Phenomenal in fact!!!! -- On another note, when I called the post office in Sioux City where I am moving to, THEY apologized for the mistake, even though they really didnt make one... and they reassured me that they would hold all of my mail... REASSURED ... very nice... THANK YOU POST OFFICE # 2
When did treating a paying customer with even the least bit of respect become and exception, and not the rule? I am taking it out on the USPS because they are the most recent, but they are not the only ones who have treated me this way lately.. And, I do have to say that I am NOT an angry customer, it is not like I put people on the defensive.... I really mean that, I am usually as passive as they come.. to a fault really... URGH
Ok, off for some laughs with Kevin James and Leah Remini on King of Queens...
Enough complaining for today...
Angel Chasse (again)
Got a parking ticket today while we were in talking to the "lady at the post office"
Ahhh, there's something I can write a bit about......
So last Friday, we took a load of boxes to Sioux City, and put them in the new apartment. It's easier for us this way as there is no Uhaul cost, and it's not so overwhelming to move like 1/3 at a time. So while we were there, we got a new post office box established (We like getting our mail there, safer) - anyway, the lady there asked if we were already in Sioux City. We told her no, we were going to receive mail in Sioux Falls (where I am now) until the 29th and then from that day forward, please forward mail from here to there... all seemed to be ok.
Forward to yesterday.. I go to check our mail here, and my key does not fit in the lock of our box... I was sure that we had just put the 2 new keys on my keyring. So sure, in fact, that I came home, told Jimbo that my key didn't work, he proceded to tell me I must have been checking the wrong box (lol@ me.. that could have been it) --So, I go back, and go up to the window and tell them my key is not working....
Angel: This is going to sound really dumb, but my key is not working in my box....
USPS Worker: Did you forget to pay your bill, (small laugh)
Angel: Nope, we are paid up until the end of June
USPS Worker: What is your box # - I will take a look...
Angel: 665 - do you need my ID (puts ID on counter
USPS Worker: Nope, I'll be right back
USPS Worker: Well, here is the card, saying you just rented this box Monday.....
Angel: I have had this box for over 3 years, and that isnt my name there....
USPS Worker: blahblahblah -- I cant keep writing this way, cuz I might misquote her..
LOL
but basically she told me 2 more times that my signature was on that paper - I pointed to my ID proving I was not that person.. then she goes to the computer (in a huff now) and procedes to tell me that they got a forwarding request from "someone" telling them to close this box, and that they had resold it to someone else that very day... I explain to her that we are moving.. but not until the 29th, and try to remain calm as she asks me if my husband might have closed the box without my knowing.. LOL - Ok, NOPE .. but I guess she wasn't listening to what I had just said.. so then she gives me the name of the guy who "runs the boxes area" and says that he is "the only one here who can help me" - tells me that he works from 4am to noon only, and I ask -- well, how am I going to get my mail for the next 13 days? She replies, I'm not sure, you'll have to ask Al (man who runs the boxes area) when you call him... and for one last zinger, repeats again that he only works from 4am to noon, so make sure I am up early enough to call him...... ***Side note here, thanks lady, for assuming that I would not get up before NOON to call someone****
Ok... so that is the lame story.. but here is my point. Why didn't she ever acknowledge that there COULD have been a problem on their end? Why didn't she ever say "I'm sorry that this has happened" - she did everything that she could to pin this problem on me. Now, it's sooooo NOT a huge deal... have me pick up our mail at the window - have all of it forwarded and waiting for me when I get there... I am not really freaking out about the actual mail.. but at the way that this lady treated the situation... THREE times she told me I signed the paper she put in front of me on the counter ..... and that was a male name, and it was not ME hello... and, when I asked if she could call the lady (at the USPS, same place she works for) and ask her what had went wrong, she said no. I have worked in customer service pretty solid since 1997, and I wasn't aware that "pin it on the customer at all costs and never admit a mistake" was part of the USPS or any other company's training policy... anyway... this has become a rant now, but GEESH, a simple... I'm sorry, and here's what we are going to do about it.. would have been GREAT! Phenomenal in fact!!!! -- On another note, when I called the post office in Sioux City where I am moving to, THEY apologized for the mistake, even though they really didnt make one... and they reassured me that they would hold all of my mail... REASSURED ... very nice... THANK YOU POST OFFICE # 2
When did treating a paying customer with even the least bit of respect become and exception, and not the rule? I am taking it out on the USPS because they are the most recent, but they are not the only ones who have treated me this way lately.. And, I do have to say that I am NOT an angry customer, it is not like I put people on the defensive.... I really mean that, I am usually as passive as they come.. to a fault really... URGH
Ok, off for some laughs with Kevin James and Leah Remini on King of Queens...
Enough complaining for today...
Angel Chasse (again)
5/17/2005
Writing a book...I'm not
I was thinking the other day, that I need to ask my mom a lot of questions, so that I know every detail of the time that she was growing up and stuff. I think I started to think about it when my husband asked me something about what hospital she was born in. I knew that she was born in Huntington Beach, but I didn't know what time, or what hospital. I mean, we are close, and I know a lot about when she was growing up, but I don't know all the specifics, like what age she moved where, and little stuff like that. Then I was thinking that if I asked her all of that, it would seem weird to her probably, maybe like I was writing a book to remember her by when she passes away (which as far as I know, and hope, is a long long time from now) - So I was thinking that would be weird. Then I read the little book put out by People that is biographical about Rosie Odonnell - I read that, and thought, holy crap not enough has happened in my 26 years to write a book about.. would I ever have enough to fill a book? Wow. One time I had to write my own autobiography for a therapy type class I was taking. Some people turned their's in with like 20+ typed pages.. Me? 2.5 pages... Just goes to show I am not a writer..
But..
There is all this blogging that I have been doing. I could print this out, and probably have a few pages or more. But, this is not a book. Not really a journal either. Well, I guess technically it is a WebLog...
I just wonder, how people sit down and write 2-4 hundred pages about their life. I mean, its great, and I have read some REALLY good biographies. I just wonder how everyone that has written them gets their story to be that many pages.. what to put in, what to leave out? I guess my role in life wasn't to ever be an author, but I think it is very cool. Very cool. Biographies are probably my favorite type of book, and if it is an autobiography, even better :):)
To all the writers out there, I tip my hat :) Good going..
PS:
I heard on the news yesterday that Bush has passed a new law called "real ID" - I was interested in it only because soon, when you go to renew your driver's license, you will need to provide your birth certificate, and your old ID, and social security card, and proof of address. (utility bill or something) - That just stood out for me, because though I have all those other pieces, I have been meaning to order a copy of my birth certificate for years.. Guess I had better get on that now.. especially if my driver's license is going to depend on it!!!!!!
But..
There is all this blogging that I have been doing. I could print this out, and probably have a few pages or more. But, this is not a book. Not really a journal either. Well, I guess technically it is a WebLog...
I just wonder, how people sit down and write 2-4 hundred pages about their life. I mean, its great, and I have read some REALLY good biographies. I just wonder how everyone that has written them gets their story to be that many pages.. what to put in, what to leave out? I guess my role in life wasn't to ever be an author, but I think it is very cool. Very cool. Biographies are probably my favorite type of book, and if it is an autobiography, even better :):)
To all the writers out there, I tip my hat :) Good going..
PS:
I heard on the news yesterday that Bush has passed a new law called "real ID" - I was interested in it only because soon, when you go to renew your driver's license, you will need to provide your birth certificate, and your old ID, and social security card, and proof of address. (utility bill or something) - That just stood out for me, because though I have all those other pieces, I have been meaning to order a copy of my birth certificate for years.. Guess I had better get on that now.. especially if my driver's license is going to depend on it!!!!!!
5/14/2005
How do you get that lonely?
How do you get that lonely, how do you hurt that bad
To make you make the call, that havin' no life at all
Is better than the life that you had
How do you feel so empty, you want to let it all go
How do you get that lonely... and nobody know
--Blaine Lawson, From the song : How do you get that lonely
I heard this song in the truck with Jim and my sister yesterday, driving down to move some of our stuff. I hadn't heard it before that I remember. I used to be that person.. I had made that call. I realized when I heard that song, that I don't feel that way anymore. I still am depressed and have a lot of things (a lot) to work out.. but I guess that an option of ending my life seems so silly to me now.. but not that long ago, it wasn't that way. I know you can get that lonely. Not lonely like you don't have anyone necessarily, just so lonely that no one understood things or saw them the way I did. So dark, so overwhelming, so incredibly hard. That used to be my life. There are still many days when things get tough for me, and I think that " I would rather be dead, than to be doing this" but -- that doesn't fit into my plans anymore. I don't know why hearing that song made me realize this, but it did, and in a way it feels good. To know that I am going to fight and work towards feeling better, and to feel like there is a tiny light, even if it is a flickering one, at the end of my tunnel.. Things aren't great inside my head, not good, but they must be BETTER, cuz if they weren't, I would still be thinking of death as an option to solve all of my problems. And I don't. So that is good :)
Just felt like sharing that I guess... It might seem like a down and sad post, but really, its not :)
Angel Chasse (again)
PS - moving about 1/3 of our stuff yesterday really put me in some pain today.. I am a baby when it comes to pain :) LOL
To make you make the call, that havin' no life at all
Is better than the life that you had
How do you feel so empty, you want to let it all go
How do you get that lonely... and nobody know
--Blaine Lawson, From the song : How do you get that lonely
I heard this song in the truck with Jim and my sister yesterday, driving down to move some of our stuff. I hadn't heard it before that I remember. I used to be that person.. I had made that call. I realized when I heard that song, that I don't feel that way anymore. I still am depressed and have a lot of things (a lot) to work out.. but I guess that an option of ending my life seems so silly to me now.. but not that long ago, it wasn't that way. I know you can get that lonely. Not lonely like you don't have anyone necessarily, just so lonely that no one understood things or saw them the way I did. So dark, so overwhelming, so incredibly hard. That used to be my life. There are still many days when things get tough for me, and I think that " I would rather be dead, than to be doing this" but -- that doesn't fit into my plans anymore. I don't know why hearing that song made me realize this, but it did, and in a way it feels good. To know that I am going to fight and work towards feeling better, and to feel like there is a tiny light, even if it is a flickering one, at the end of my tunnel.. Things aren't great inside my head, not good, but they must be BETTER, cuz if they weren't, I would still be thinking of death as an option to solve all of my problems. And I don't. So that is good :)
Just felt like sharing that I guess... It might seem like a down and sad post, but really, its not :)
Angel Chasse (again)
PS - moving about 1/3 of our stuff yesterday really put me in some pain today.. I am a baby when it comes to pain :) LOL
5/13/2005
It's Friday The 13th
Happy Friday the 13th to everyone.
I am not really superstitious, so it is just another day for me.
We are moving a truckload of our stuff today, so I will be on later to post..
Hopefully by then I can come up with something intelligent to say :) Cross your fingers :) LOL
I'll be back, if moving these boxes doesn't kill me... lol
Angel Chasse
I am not really superstitious, so it is just another day for me.
We are moving a truckload of our stuff today, so I will be on later to post..
Hopefully by then I can come up with something intelligent to say :) Cross your fingers :) LOL
I'll be back, if moving these boxes doesn't kill me... lol
Angel Chasse
5/11/2005
Moving.. and arguing.. both covered here
Has anyone seen Jim's backpack? We might have already packed the backpack.... -- how funny is that.. he needs the backpack that we packed... lol Ok.. Onward and upward
It was brought to my attention today that I have a problem. (no shocker there)
I confuse "discussion" with "argument" -- like, I never like to discuss anything where the person I am talking to and I have very different opinions/ideas about the topic... there is really nothing wrong with a good debate, a good discussion, and I know that, but... I guess it came from my childhood. I guess it is part of my personality now. I avoid confrontation of any kind as if it is the plague. I am not 100% certain why I run from it so, but I really need to work on getting over that.
I don't like to argue, and I don't like it when anyone around me argues.. Husband says though (and he is right) that any time someone doesn't agree with my stand on something we are talking about, I get scared that they are "arguing" with me and want it to stop.
Not a lot else going on here. I miss responding to Rosie's posts on her blog.. but I was thinking.. that is pretty selfish. I mean, how good is it of me to feel like I need to comment to her on what she writes? How valuable do I think my opinion is anyway.. geesh... conceit.. I can only imagine how long it took her to read those comments, she prolly has a lot more free time now :):) - Tomorrow we are going to spend the entire day packing stuff up. I really detest the moving process.. packing, carrying boxes, then carrying them into the new place, and then unpacking.. ick ick.. but I am happy as I will be living in the same city as my mom, dad and brother, as well as a good friend :) Nothing will get me into shape like my mom.. I'm not kidding you :) she can be persistent!!!!!!!
Take care all, and if you have Lilacs near you, smell some :) I love the scent of lilacs and the scent of Jasmine :) :) Good stuff..
Angel Chasse (again)
It was brought to my attention today that I have a problem. (no shocker there)
I confuse "discussion" with "argument" -- like, I never like to discuss anything where the person I am talking to and I have very different opinions/ideas about the topic... there is really nothing wrong with a good debate, a good discussion, and I know that, but... I guess it came from my childhood. I guess it is part of my personality now. I avoid confrontation of any kind as if it is the plague. I am not 100% certain why I run from it so, but I really need to work on getting over that.
I don't like to argue, and I don't like it when anyone around me argues.. Husband says though (and he is right) that any time someone doesn't agree with my stand on something we are talking about, I get scared that they are "arguing" with me and want it to stop.
Not a lot else going on here. I miss responding to Rosie's posts on her blog.. but I was thinking.. that is pretty selfish. I mean, how good is it of me to feel like I need to comment to her on what she writes? How valuable do I think my opinion is anyway.. geesh... conceit.. I can only imagine how long it took her to read those comments, she prolly has a lot more free time now :):) - Tomorrow we are going to spend the entire day packing stuff up. I really detest the moving process.. packing, carrying boxes, then carrying them into the new place, and then unpacking.. ick ick.. but I am happy as I will be living in the same city as my mom, dad and brother, as well as a good friend :) Nothing will get me into shape like my mom.. I'm not kidding you :) she can be persistent!!!!!!!
Take care all, and if you have Lilacs near you, smell some :) I love the scent of lilacs and the scent of Jasmine :) :) Good stuff..
Angel Chasse (again)
5/10/2005
What to blog about today?
Let's see.. I am presently upset with Gevalia coffee company. They billed me for and shipped some coffee, when I emailed them my request to cancel the program about - well, 20 weeks ago. Evidently they didn't get that, or didn't care or whatever... so they billed for 30 dollar's worth of coffee.. urgh.. That makes me think of something... To us (Jim and I) 30 dollars right now is a big enough amount to make us think " sure don't like losing that money" and thinking of things for our move that we might have to wait to buy.. a few mini blinds or shades perhaps.. So, because I am me, and that is messed up at the moment, I got all upset when I saw that draft on my bank statment online thing... I was all mad at myself for not checking up on it, and mad at them for making it easy to join the program (over the phone) and hard to get out of it ( you must notify us in writing.. blah blah) -- I freaked out, then I told Jim. Up to that point he was having a good day. He even asked me if I had any bad news, cuz seems to be lately, that if one of us has a great day, the next day has some bad news in it... anyway, enough about that .. except to say that when Jim is done with school, and I am feelilng better and back at work... I can't wait until 30 dollars is nice, but losing it doesn't cause me to get mad and shed a tear... One man's 30 is another man's 300 or 3000 I guess... ah well...
So, now I am sitting here wondering if I can get into trouble for mentioning Gevalia by name.. but you know what? I promised myself that if I started this blog, I would not obsess over spelling and content... that I would write in it, and then click publish, and that would be the end of each post.. so I am going to stick to that plan, for my sanitly's sake...
Today is my Mom and Step-Dad's 14th wedding anniversary. I was 12 when they got married.. that was tough. Getting a new dad at any age is tough I am sure, but man were there a lot of slammed doors and shouting matches and hurt feelings and all that kind of stuff back then. Wow, I have been married to Jim 7 years, so half of the time my parents have been married... I guess you could say I have grown up a lot from 14 years ago, and I feel a bit more knowledgeable about life, but I know I am still quite naive and childlike. I still have a LOT to work on and a lot to learn!!!!!! I used to think I would never ever ever respect Steve (stepdad) and I would never see things from his point of view.. but now I have relatives with kids, and I see how him being tough on my brother and I was really the right thing to do.. I mean sure it went too far sometimes. .. but such is life.. being grounded for 2 weeks isnt the worst thing that can happen to you in your life :) and come to think of it, neither is losing 29 dollars of too expensive coffee...
Ok, again, long and rambling... seems that is what I do best.... thanks for readin :)
Angel Chasse (again)
PS here is a picture of my mom and dad
So, now I am sitting here wondering if I can get into trouble for mentioning Gevalia by name.. but you know what? I promised myself that if I started this blog, I would not obsess over spelling and content... that I would write in it, and then click publish, and that would be the end of each post.. so I am going to stick to that plan, for my sanitly's sake...
Today is my Mom and Step-Dad's 14th wedding anniversary. I was 12 when they got married.. that was tough. Getting a new dad at any age is tough I am sure, but man were there a lot of slammed doors and shouting matches and hurt feelings and all that kind of stuff back then. Wow, I have been married to Jim 7 years, so half of the time my parents have been married... I guess you could say I have grown up a lot from 14 years ago, and I feel a bit more knowledgeable about life, but I know I am still quite naive and childlike. I still have a LOT to work on and a lot to learn!!!!!! I used to think I would never ever ever respect Steve (stepdad) and I would never see things from his point of view.. but now I have relatives with kids, and I see how him being tough on my brother and I was really the right thing to do.. I mean sure it went too far sometimes. .. but such is life.. being grounded for 2 weeks isnt the worst thing that can happen to you in your life :) and come to think of it, neither is losing 29 dollars of too expensive coffee...
Ok, again, long and rambling... seems that is what I do best.... thanks for readin :)
Angel Chasse (again)
PS here is a picture of my mom and dad
5/09/2005
Rosie O, Rosie O, Where R U?
Hi,
Happy Monday... blech... nasty spitting rain weather here in Sioux Falls SD USA
Rosie posted yesterday that the comments section of her blog would be turned off for the time being. I am not sure why, but heck, I told my husband that if even ONE person was mean to me in the comments on my blog, I would be a blubbering mess. I hope that she continues to blog
I really like to read what she has to say, and she inspires me to keep my own "therapy blog" active.. :)
- I bet people don't even realize sometimes that they are making a difference in someone else's life. I suppose that is why you should tell anyone that affects you, that they do.
I think my husband knows he does, and most of my family and closer friends, but I wanted to send a note out to anyone who reads this blog, and especially if they care to leave a commment, that I do read them, and I do take them to heart, and I really think that reading others' blogs and keeping my own going has been like therapy for me..
Like my husband says.. self-actualization ... the knowledge that you are not really that different from everyone else, that you are not a "special case" -- I think I have learned that more than anything else through this blog and reading others....
I mean.. Rosie O'donnell is living a totally different life than I am, but at the same time, when I read what she writes, I see a little bit of me in her writings every time.. and I see a LOT of me in some of them too :)
Some of the blogs I read/have read are by people that are old enough to be my mom, but still I relate to the day to day with them... aches pains, longings, hopes for self, hopes for family, hopes for the world and the future...
I started reading this person named Jessi's blog, and really got into how she thinks .. then one day her blog was gone.. it was as if for me at least, she didn't exist in a tangible form anymore.. but the thoughts that her writings provoked will be with me forever.. I can tell you that.
I guess this has gotten long, and rambling, but I really just wanted to say -- we really aren't that different from each other...
I also wanted to get this off of my chest... Call me naive, call me whatever, but I really dont get why anyone would go to Rosie's comments on her blog and say mean hurtful things, just to say them.. I mean, if you dont like her, fine, then post a comment with some meat to it, so that she knows how you feel about what she said.. then leave it at that.. but what kind of feelings do you have to have in your heart to take time out of your day, with the only purpose of that time being to purposefully hurt someone else.. - I mean, don't get my wrong, I can be just as cruel as the next guy .. I'm not saying that I'm anywhere near perfect, but GEESH .. to go out of your way to be hurtful. Just seems a little bit ridiculous to me... If you don't like Rosie O. Then don't stop in and read her blog.. or if you don't agree with the posts that you do read that she makes, then offer your opinion, and call it a day... man, people need not be as mean as possible on purpose... I can't speak for anyone but me.. and I don't even know if it bothers Rosie that much, or if she has become immune to it somehow.. but I know that that is not how *I* would like to be treated.. and I don't think it is how ANYONE *deserves* to be treated.... I'll get off the soapbox now, just had to get that nagging thought out there....
My religion is simple, my religion is kindness. --Dalai Llama
Peace,
Angel Chasse (again)
Happy Monday... blech... nasty spitting rain weather here in Sioux Falls SD USA
Rosie posted yesterday that the comments section of her blog would be turned off for the time being. I am not sure why, but heck, I told my husband that if even ONE person was mean to me in the comments on my blog, I would be a blubbering mess. I hope that she continues to blog
I really like to read what she has to say, and she inspires me to keep my own "therapy blog" active.. :)
- I bet people don't even realize sometimes that they are making a difference in someone else's life. I suppose that is why you should tell anyone that affects you, that they do.
I think my husband knows he does, and most of my family and closer friends, but I wanted to send a note out to anyone who reads this blog, and especially if they care to leave a commment, that I do read them, and I do take them to heart, and I really think that reading others' blogs and keeping my own going has been like therapy for me..
Like my husband says.. self-actualization ... the knowledge that you are not really that different from everyone else, that you are not a "special case" -- I think I have learned that more than anything else through this blog and reading others....
I mean.. Rosie O'donnell is living a totally different life than I am, but at the same time, when I read what she writes, I see a little bit of me in her writings every time.. and I see a LOT of me in some of them too :)
Some of the blogs I read/have read are by people that are old enough to be my mom, but still I relate to the day to day with them... aches pains, longings, hopes for self, hopes for family, hopes for the world and the future...
I started reading this person named Jessi's blog, and really got into how she thinks .. then one day her blog was gone.. it was as if for me at least, she didn't exist in a tangible form anymore.. but the thoughts that her writings provoked will be with me forever.. I can tell you that.
I guess this has gotten long, and rambling, but I really just wanted to say -- we really aren't that different from each other...
I also wanted to get this off of my chest... Call me naive, call me whatever, but I really dont get why anyone would go to Rosie's comments on her blog and say mean hurtful things, just to say them.. I mean, if you dont like her, fine, then post a comment with some meat to it, so that she knows how you feel about what she said.. then leave it at that.. but what kind of feelings do you have to have in your heart to take time out of your day, with the only purpose of that time being to purposefully hurt someone else.. - I mean, don't get my wrong, I can be just as cruel as the next guy .. I'm not saying that I'm anywhere near perfect, but GEESH .. to go out of your way to be hurtful. Just seems a little bit ridiculous to me... If you don't like Rosie O. Then don't stop in and read her blog.. or if you don't agree with the posts that you do read that she makes, then offer your opinion, and call it a day... man, people need not be as mean as possible on purpose... I can't speak for anyone but me.. and I don't even know if it bothers Rosie that much, or if she has become immune to it somehow.. but I know that that is not how *I* would like to be treated.. and I don't think it is how ANYONE *deserves* to be treated.... I'll get off the soapbox now, just had to get that nagging thought out there....
My religion is simple, my religion is kindness. --Dalai Llama
Peace,
Angel Chasse (again)
5/07/2005
My Mom
My Mom - By Angel Chasse 
My mom had me young... she is still young now (45)
My mom taught me everything I needed to know.. I had crossed eyes when I was born, and some other motor skills problems, I was a preemie.. she had me tying my shoes and counting and knowing my colors and starting to write my name before Head Start. She took the time with me to show me how to do those things... to this day, she is still my greatest teacher...
Times were tight with us, we didnt have every new toy to come out or every new designer lable of clothes, but my mom taught us to APPRECIATE the things that we did have. I think kids today could learn a lot more in that department
My mom always worked, most of the time I can remember anyway.. she worked hard, physical jobs. I never understood just how hard she worked until I tried a job that was even remotely like hers. I can't handle that kind of work, but she did it and never complained. Every day in the packing house, just to make the money to put food on the table and give us clothes and a roof. Thanks for that Mom, I know I never said it enough... Still don't
My mom taught me so many things, she taught me to love with my whole heart (we both still cry at any sad movie) -- she taught me that an honest admission of what I did wrong was always better than a lie that she found out about... it's simple with my mom.. Don't lie, don't cheat, never intentionally hurt another person, be kind to animals, do what you elders ask of you without complaining.. work hard and be proud of what you have accomplished. Very simple really, but in today's world, I see so many even in my own family that have let some of these things go by the wayside. Not my Mom, she's still the same great woman today that she was when she gave birth to me.
My mom has had to put up with so much. I quit college, then fell in love and got married at 19... she would rather I wait.. My brother got into some minor trouble when he was younger, but now doesn't seem to like to keep a job or pay bills. It almost killed her to tell him that he couldn't keep moving back in to her house, but how else would he learn to be an independent man? After all, he is a MAN now.. going to be 23 this June.. She has done what she can, and now it is up to him to use the skills and values she has taught him, to make a go of it. I understand that. Some Don't. Ahh well.
You know, it is great knowing that there is one person in the world that won't let you slip, won't let you get away with things that you don't really want to get away with anyway.. My mom and I have not always seen eye to eye, and I don't pretend to think that she is perfect. But you know what, she has taught me more in my 26 years than any college in the world could ever teach me. She taught me how to BE.. how to LIVE, she taught me RESPECT, and HONESTY, and most of all she showed me LOVE, and taught me how to love ..... and isn't that what it is all about anyway?
I guess I didn't go as eloquent or wordy with this as my mom probably deserves, but I think she would get it. She is a lot like me -- strike that.. shouldn't that be "I am a lot like her" ? Anyway, I know I have my struggles in life, but I really think I owe all of the good things I am today to my Mom.. She never gave up on me or my brother, and she always kept us accountable for the things we said and did .... I am eternally greatful...
I love you mom... you are truly the best. Maybe next year I will find a way to tell you that is better than this, and worthy of you :) But for now, this is what I've got :)
Kleenex please....... lol... told ya.. I inherited that from my MOM too :)
Someday I hope that I get the chance to be one- tenth of the Mom that you are to me today.
Love,
Angel
My mom had me young... she is still young now (45)
My mom taught me everything I needed to know.. I had crossed eyes when I was born, and some other motor skills problems, I was a preemie.. she had me tying my shoes and counting and knowing my colors and starting to write my name before Head Start. She took the time with me to show me how to do those things... to this day, she is still my greatest teacher...
Times were tight with us, we didnt have every new toy to come out or every new designer lable of clothes, but my mom taught us to APPRECIATE the things that we did have. I think kids today could learn a lot more in that department
My mom always worked, most of the time I can remember anyway.. she worked hard, physical jobs. I never understood just how hard she worked until I tried a job that was even remotely like hers. I can't handle that kind of work, but she did it and never complained. Every day in the packing house, just to make the money to put food on the table and give us clothes and a roof. Thanks for that Mom, I know I never said it enough... Still don't
My mom taught me so many things, she taught me to love with my whole heart (we both still cry at any sad movie) -- she taught me that an honest admission of what I did wrong was always better than a lie that she found out about... it's simple with my mom.. Don't lie, don't cheat, never intentionally hurt another person, be kind to animals, do what you elders ask of you without complaining.. work hard and be proud of what you have accomplished. Very simple really, but in today's world, I see so many even in my own family that have let some of these things go by the wayside. Not my Mom, she's still the same great woman today that she was when she gave birth to me.
My mom has had to put up with so much. I quit college, then fell in love and got married at 19... she would rather I wait.. My brother got into some minor trouble when he was younger, but now doesn't seem to like to keep a job or pay bills. It almost killed her to tell him that he couldn't keep moving back in to her house, but how else would he learn to be an independent man? After all, he is a MAN now.. going to be 23 this June.. She has done what she can, and now it is up to him to use the skills and values she has taught him, to make a go of it. I understand that. Some Don't. Ahh well.
You know, it is great knowing that there is one person in the world that won't let you slip, won't let you get away with things that you don't really want to get away with anyway.. My mom and I have not always seen eye to eye, and I don't pretend to think that she is perfect. But you know what, she has taught me more in my 26 years than any college in the world could ever teach me. She taught me how to BE.. how to LIVE, she taught me RESPECT, and HONESTY, and most of all she showed me LOVE, and taught me how to love ..... and isn't that what it is all about anyway?
I guess I didn't go as eloquent or wordy with this as my mom probably deserves, but I think she would get it. She is a lot like me -- strike that.. shouldn't that be "I am a lot like her" ? Anyway, I know I have my struggles in life, but I really think I owe all of the good things I am today to my Mom.. She never gave up on me or my brother, and she always kept us accountable for the things we said and did .... I am eternally greatful...
I love you mom... you are truly the best. Maybe next year I will find a way to tell you that is better than this, and worthy of you :) But for now, this is what I've got :)
Kleenex please....... lol... told ya.. I inherited that from my MOM too :)
Someday I hope that I get the chance to be one- tenth of the Mom that you are to me today.
Love,
Angel
5/06/2005
To All The Mothers Out There
Happy Mother's Day, Moms!!!
I made this card.. I really think it is the best Mother's Day Card I have come across. I know it's a bit early, but I didn't want to forget to post it. Enjoy!!
http://www.care2.com/ecards/p/7125-2711-12312-3663
I am putting a picture of my mom on my Flickr. She really is the best Mom!!!
I hope you enjoy this card as much as I did.
Ok, more later.. Just had to share that.. Enjoy MOMS :)
Angel Chasse
I made this card.. I really think it is the best Mother's Day Card I have come across. I know it's a bit early, but I didn't want to forget to post it. Enjoy!!
http://www.care2.com/ecards/p/7125-2711-12312-3663
I am putting a picture of my mom on my Flickr. She really is the best Mom!!!
I hope you enjoy this card as much as I did.
Ok, more later.. Just had to share that.. Enjoy MOMS :)
Angel Chasse
5/05/2005
01061997
Somewhere there's someone who dreams of your smile,
and finds in your presence that life is worth while.
So when you are lonely, remember it's true
Somebody somewhere is thinking of you.
- K. Blackburn -
I think that little poem or whatever you call it, says it all. Even on my worst days, if I can keep that little poem in mind, I will be fine. Now, just to always remember that!!!! That will be the tough part... and to remember the past won't ever change.. it is what it is.. but the future, I have control (somewhat at least) over that - how I react to things, and how hard I work to make my dreams come true...
Sometimes, I think, we need do-overs though :)
Sometimes I wonder.. is it a good thing to like TV shows, and to get all into them and lose yourself in them for that hour or so, or is it just a way of avoiding real life? Can it be both? Silly thoughts..see what goes through my head all the time.. lol...
Angel Chasse (again)
01061997 - The day my whole life changed.. the day I met my husband.. my lover, my friend, my confidant, my doctor, my therapist, my everything!!!! We've been married 7 years - I am hoping for 70 more :)
and finds in your presence that life is worth while.
So when you are lonely, remember it's true
Somebody somewhere is thinking of you.
- K. Blackburn -
I think that little poem or whatever you call it, says it all. Even on my worst days, if I can keep that little poem in mind, I will be fine. Now, just to always remember that!!!! That will be the tough part... and to remember the past won't ever change.. it is what it is.. but the future, I have control (somewhat at least) over that - how I react to things, and how hard I work to make my dreams come true...
Sometimes, I think, we need do-overs though :)
Sometimes I wonder.. is it a good thing to like TV shows, and to get all into them and lose yourself in them for that hour or so, or is it just a way of avoiding real life? Can it be both? Silly thoughts..see what goes through my head all the time.. lol...
Angel Chasse (again)
01061997 - The day my whole life changed.. the day I met my husband.. my lover, my friend, my confidant, my doctor, my therapist, my everything!!!! We've been married 7 years - I am hoping for 70 more :)
5/04/2005
What REALLY Matters...To me
First, thanks for all who view this page, and all those who take the time to comment. I think I have learned a lot by looking at your comments left here, and then jumping to your blogs, and seeing things from your point of view :)
What really matters.. To me
Love... having it - giving it fully- knowing it is absolute - discovering there is no limit to it
Kindness.. practicing it like it is your religion - sharing kindness to everyone you come across (hard, but I am working on it) - considering it your "job" to be kind to everyone - being the better person when someone is not being kind to you, meaning you are kind to even those who are jerks (again, I'm still working on that one)
Family..... My husband, mother, brother, friends, acquaintances, all of them.. I consider them all part of my "family" - I am always looking to add new people.. From the "meet the parents" movie, my "circle of trust" - Family... can't turn your back on them, can't ever give up on them.. gotta keep reaching out.. trying to help.. trying to comfort, trying to make things better in the lives of your family...
Fun... seems that it might not make the list of things that really matter, but as a person who is/has been depressed, some times it just comes down to putting EVERYTHING else aside, and doing what is fun for you.. maybe not get out the legos and build something fun, but maybe.. take some time for you.. bubble bath, trip to the coffee shop, reading a magazine, whatever it is that you consider fun. Seems like good medicine to me...
Children... they are our future.. cliche' I know.. but think about it.. they will carry this world on, when we are long gone.. we have to make sure they have love, and inteligent leaders and guides...
off the soapbox for now.. have a great evening all :)
Angel Chasse (again)
What really matters.. To me
Love... having it - giving it fully- knowing it is absolute - discovering there is no limit to it
Kindness.. practicing it like it is your religion - sharing kindness to everyone you come across (hard, but I am working on it) - considering it your "job" to be kind to everyone - being the better person when someone is not being kind to you, meaning you are kind to even those who are jerks (again, I'm still working on that one)
Family..... My husband, mother, brother, friends, acquaintances, all of them.. I consider them all part of my "family" - I am always looking to add new people.. From the "meet the parents" movie, my "circle of trust" - Family... can't turn your back on them, can't ever give up on them.. gotta keep reaching out.. trying to help.. trying to comfort, trying to make things better in the lives of your family...
Fun... seems that it might not make the list of things that really matter, but as a person who is/has been depressed, some times it just comes down to putting EVERYTHING else aside, and doing what is fun for you.. maybe not get out the legos and build something fun, but maybe.. take some time for you.. bubble bath, trip to the coffee shop, reading a magazine, whatever it is that you consider fun. Seems like good medicine to me...
Children... they are our future.. cliche' I know.. but think about it.. they will carry this world on, when we are long gone.. we have to make sure they have love, and inteligent leaders and guides...
off the soapbox for now.. have a great evening all :)
Angel Chasse (again)
5/03/2005
When will I know?
I often wonder when...
I wonder when I will feel better
I wonder then how I will know I am feeling better
I wonder when my life's purpose will show itself to me
I wonder when, if ever, I will become someone's Mom
I wonder when my own Mom will believe that I am sick, well, my brain is, and I can't just "take a walk" to cure my mental illness(es)
I wonder when I will ever make a difference in someone else's life
I wonder how..
I wonder how my husband can see the light at the end of this tunnel I am in..how does he do that?
I wonder how I have let myself change this much.. once lively, outgoing, now.. not much
I wonder how I messed up so bad when I was a kid, that I turned out like this, and feeling like this..
I wonder how this God, in the bible that everyone seems to believe in, can be omnipotent, all seeing, all knowing, and let things happen .. how could he sit up there, and let all of these things go on? Oh, I forgot, he gave us free will, so I suppose he washed his hands of most of this long ago... if that bible is what you believe I guess...
I wonder how *I* can go on sometimes. I wonder if there is a point?
I wonder how other people see me, and what thoughts go through their heads about me
I wonder why,
I wonder why I hate going to therapy and talking, but when its cancelled for 3 weeks I freak out?
I wonder why I know that medicine helps a bit, but get scared to take it after a while, afraid I wont be "me" anymore....
I wonder why I have to react so emotionally to tiny things, and those around me seem to be able to keep it together under any circumstances
I wonder why I dont have a true sense of who I am yet, and I am 26???
I wonder why I care so much about what other people think of me?
A whole new thought here... cuz it weighs on me every day now it seems...
I wonder... if life can be complete.. without a baby, without a child for Jim and I
I wonder if it is selfish for me to even want a baby, when I have so many problems. I wonder if my wanting to have someone that we created, someone to love, someone to teach, someone to take care of, someone to guide.. I wonder if that is selfish? Why do people want children really? I guess I havent asked anyone that, so I dont know why other people chose to have children. For me, I guess it comes down to wanting to pass on parts of Jim, and parts of me, to someone else, someone who will be here long after we are gone.. someone to carry on... to carry on.. It doesn't have to be a baby from my body, I would love them just the same...we would be connnected at the soul.. and the soul is where the real connection is.. the soul is directly connected to the heart you know.. Jim and I are already connected that way... so .. I am left to wonder.. I have Jim, should that be enough? Am I selfish to want even more? and aside from being selfish, can a life be COMPLETE and FULFILLING witout children in it? I guess I dont really know who I can ask about that, most everyone I know has a child now ...
Ok, in case you couldn't tell by the mood of this post, I am feeling a bit sad, and yuck today.. but, tomorrow is another day, and I will try to make that one better...
Song in my head today is :
Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
A fool of everyone
A fool of everyone
"Look what you've done, by JET"
Angel Chasse (again)
I wonder when I will feel better
I wonder then how I will know I am feeling better
I wonder when my life's purpose will show itself to me
I wonder when, if ever, I will become someone's Mom
I wonder when my own Mom will believe that I am sick, well, my brain is, and I can't just "take a walk" to cure my mental illness(es)
I wonder when I will ever make a difference in someone else's life
I wonder how..
I wonder how my husband can see the light at the end of this tunnel I am in..how does he do that?
I wonder how I have let myself change this much.. once lively, outgoing, now.. not much
I wonder how I messed up so bad when I was a kid, that I turned out like this, and feeling like this..
I wonder how this God, in the bible that everyone seems to believe in, can be omnipotent, all seeing, all knowing, and let things happen .. how could he sit up there, and let all of these things go on? Oh, I forgot, he gave us free will, so I suppose he washed his hands of most of this long ago... if that bible is what you believe I guess...
I wonder how *I* can go on sometimes. I wonder if there is a point?
I wonder how other people see me, and what thoughts go through their heads about me
I wonder why,
I wonder why I hate going to therapy and talking, but when its cancelled for 3 weeks I freak out?
I wonder why I know that medicine helps a bit, but get scared to take it after a while, afraid I wont be "me" anymore....
I wonder why I have to react so emotionally to tiny things, and those around me seem to be able to keep it together under any circumstances
I wonder why I dont have a true sense of who I am yet, and I am 26???
I wonder why I care so much about what other people think of me?
A whole new thought here... cuz it weighs on me every day now it seems...
I wonder... if life can be complete.. without a baby, without a child for Jim and I
I wonder if it is selfish for me to even want a baby, when I have so many problems. I wonder if my wanting to have someone that we created, someone to love, someone to teach, someone to take care of, someone to guide.. I wonder if that is selfish? Why do people want children really? I guess I havent asked anyone that, so I dont know why other people chose to have children. For me, I guess it comes down to wanting to pass on parts of Jim, and parts of me, to someone else, someone who will be here long after we are gone.. someone to carry on... to carry on.. It doesn't have to be a baby from my body, I would love them just the same...we would be connnected at the soul.. and the soul is where the real connection is.. the soul is directly connected to the heart you know.. Jim and I are already connected that way... so .. I am left to wonder.. I have Jim, should that be enough? Am I selfish to want even more? and aside from being selfish, can a life be COMPLETE and FULFILLING witout children in it? I guess I dont really know who I can ask about that, most everyone I know has a child now ...
Ok, in case you couldn't tell by the mood of this post, I am feeling a bit sad, and yuck today.. but, tomorrow is another day, and I will try to make that one better...
Song in my head today is :
Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
A fool of everyone
A fool of everyone
"Look what you've done, by JET"
Angel Chasse (again)
5/02/2005
To Rosie.. And Everyone...
Valuable....
I watched Rosie's movie "Riding The Bus With My Sister" last night..... some thoughts... I loved the movie, I think it touched on every part of my heart. Good Job Rosie.. I think you made Beth real, and believable, and "care aboutable" :)
But, got me thinking about a lot.. some of it was like this...
What makes someone Valuable?
Their IQ score?
Their education level?
The amount of money they have?
The JOB they have?
What level of conversation they can have with you?
The amount of tact they have?
How "appropriate" they are?
Their home, where it is and how they keep it?
Their circle of friends?
See, the way *I* see it? People are people, and all deserving of love, respect, and at the very least, for me to be kind to them. We all are on different levels of all of the above. We ALL need to understand that, and take it to heart the next time we catch ourselves looking DOWN on someone...
I wasn't going to post this, but I changed my mind...
Would you ride the bus with ME?
If you knew I was getting disability benefits from the state for a mental condition?
If you knew I didn't have a job?
If you knew that I tried to kill myself several times?
If you knew that I have a husband, but once had a lover that was female?
If you knew that I panic in Wal-Mart if there are too many people there?
If you knew that I avoid as many public situations as possible?
If you knew I wanted to help the world is some way, but am too scared to do so?
If you knew I failed out of college the first semester?
If you knew I was poor?
If you saw the tiny bumps all over my body?
If you saw that I was obese?
If you saw that one of my eyes wander?
I am sure if you are being completely honest, that some of you wouldn't want to ride the bus with me, knowing those things, but you know what? My husband, and some of my good friends, know ALL of those things about me, and they still "ride the bus with me" every day :) so.... I think I have it pretty good.
Thanks for the movie Rosie (and the tears too)
Angel Chasse (again)
I watched Rosie's movie "Riding The Bus With My Sister" last night..... some thoughts... I loved the movie, I think it touched on every part of my heart. Good Job Rosie.. I think you made Beth real, and believable, and "care aboutable" :)
But, got me thinking about a lot.. some of it was like this...
What makes someone Valuable?
Their IQ score?
Their education level?
The amount of money they have?
The JOB they have?
What level of conversation they can have with you?
The amount of tact they have?
How "appropriate" they are?
Their home, where it is and how they keep it?
Their circle of friends?
See, the way *I* see it? People are people, and all deserving of love, respect, and at the very least, for me to be kind to them. We all are on different levels of all of the above. We ALL need to understand that, and take it to heart the next time we catch ourselves looking DOWN on someone...
I wasn't going to post this, but I changed my mind...
Would you ride the bus with ME?
If you knew I was getting disability benefits from the state for a mental condition?
If you knew I didn't have a job?
If you knew that I tried to kill myself several times?
If you knew that I have a husband, but once had a lover that was female?
If you knew that I panic in Wal-Mart if there are too many people there?
If you knew that I avoid as many public situations as possible?
If you knew I wanted to help the world is some way, but am too scared to do so?
If you knew I failed out of college the first semester?
If you knew I was poor?
If you saw the tiny bumps all over my body?
If you saw that I was obese?
If you saw that one of my eyes wander?
I am sure if you are being completely honest, that some of you wouldn't want to ride the bus with me, knowing those things, but you know what? My husband, and some of my good friends, know ALL of those things about me, and they still "ride the bus with me" every day :) so.... I think I have it pretty good.
Thanks for the movie Rosie (and the tears too)
Angel Chasse (again)
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